Tony Roberts: Maxwell

A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy

Maxwell

Andrew: Dulcy's cute, Maxwell. What is she? Twelve years old? Thirteen? What?
Maxwell: She's twice that, Andrew! She's very experienced. She couldn't keep her hands off of me on the way up here.
Andrew: Oh, Jesus, when are you gonna grow up? You're like one of those creatures in Greek mythology who's half-goat.
Maxwell: You only live once, Andrew, you know that.

Andrew: You never have any interests in getting married? Right?
Maxwell: I don't stick around long enough to fall in love, Andrew. You know what I'm like. Marriage for me is the death of hope.

Maxwell: So, how did you and Leopold meet?
Ariel: We were both tourists at St. Peter's in Rome.
Maxwell: You picked her up at the Vatican, Leopold?
Ariel: My whole life I wanted to see the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Leopold: I met her in the Basilica before one of the lesser Madonnas. I couldn't resist the impulse to speak with this heavenly creature.

Carstairs: [kiss] Oh, Maxwell.
[kiss]
Carstairs: Mmm.
[kiss]
Carstairs: Sweetheart, listen.
[kiss]
Carstairs: We can't go on like this.
Maxwell: Why not?
[kiss]
Carstairs: Mmm. Because my husband is beginning to realize there's nothing wrong with me.
[kiss]
Maxwell: It's medically sound to have periodic checkups.
[kiss]
Carstairs: Yes, but, not so many! The President doesn't have this kind of healthcare.
[puts back on her dress]

Maxwell: Come with me, we'll have a fabulous weekend. We'll sun and swim and drink beer. Naturally, I'll make sure we have separate rooms.
Dulcy: We don't need separate rooms.

Dulcy: [showing off her swimsuit] Do you like it?
Maxwell: No, No. Not a bit. You know, my blood pressure is always 90 over 680.
Dulcy: It drives them wild at Coney Island. But, if we're going to be in a country stream, why do I have to wear anything at all?

Maxwell: Blue Moon Glow.
Ariel: That's exactly right! I'm amazed! I didn't think they sold it in this country.
Maxwell: Well, an old love of mine wore it - a ballerina from Spain.
Ariel: And the scent you're wearing, is that Bay Rum?
Maxwell: Yes! That's exactly right. From the - straight from the corner drug store. Well, we recognize each other's smells. In the Animal Kingdom, we'd be married.

Andrew: You just lust after her, that's all. You're not in love with her. You want to sleep with her.
Maxwell: How could anyone just want to sleep with such a dream? Not that I don't. She's hot! She's very hot.
Andrew: I know.
Maxwell: You know, the ones that are incredible in bed are ones that are raised in a convent.
Andrew: Maxwell, do me a favor. Go play with your butterfly net.

Maxwell: How can you resist? The moon is full. You're about to be married forever. This is your last free night. Spend it with me. Not all of it. Ten minutes, just talking. I know if you knew me better, you'd like me. You don't want to get married with a nagging thought, "Maybe I should have, after all, it wasn't such a poker. Maybe if I'd given him ten minutes, against all odds, he would have changed my mind. Now, it's too late. Here, I am, the Professor's wife. Secure, it's true; yet, something's missing. Maybe if I'd acted." Regrets couldn't haunt you.

Maxwell: I guess if marriage is the death of hope; then, the night before marriage, there's still hope.