The Seven Magnificent Gladiators

Nothing on television again and man this is on. Lou (Hulk) in this and man this is so bad that it hurts to watch but I am anyways just to laugh at it. How can the Director and Producers even think that this is something someone would love to watch? So many bad movies that get rated higher.

Not this movie being rated higher but there are. This one is just nothing to praise for it but the acting and playing too much instead of being a serious movie. Who ever likes this has to be completely nuts. No way someone could like it. Lou is terrible actor and okay body builder.

Oh well, they just keep showing bad movies on television. Just like America 3000 is bad too.

I had the misfortune of seeing this movie at the theater as a kid. We did not come to see this movie, but rather the science fiction film "Dreamscape". Unfortunately, for whatever reason that movie was taken out and this one inserted in its place. Whatever you may think of that movie it was certainly better than this one which seems to be some sort of gladiator version of "The Seven Samurai". Well it is not, it is not even in the caliber of a Conan movie, it is not even in league with the Marc Singer film "Beastmaster". The film just plays out in the most absurd possible way, I saw this under the title "The Seven Magnificent Gladiators" and let me just say that there just not seven gladiators for very long in this film. They drop like flies in this movie with only Lou Ferrigno being a sure survivor. Poor Lou, I am guessing he was hoping he could have a career in acting other than being the powerful Hulk. He just never became the big star Arnold was and you have to feel a bit sorry for him as he was deaf and that impeded his ability to act. Still, I enjoyed his brief performance in "The Incredible Hulk" movie and I hear he did the voice of the Hulk and he did a good job with that as well. Hear, he is dubbed and the movie is just laughable. I laughed at the theater when that one woman gave that one guy the magical sword and he died and the lady who gave him the sword did not really seem that concerned.

Not all of them can be winners, even Buñuel and Fernando de Fuentes had their own lower tier films, while this isn't exactly on the same level as La hija del engaño (1951) or something like that it's still a very tepid entry for Mattei, devoid of life and stimulating ideas, it never rises above being a slightly above average peplum/Conan rehash/parody. Mattei and Fragasso only made one of these after all.

Bruno, predictably, has zero interest in this story and directs a lot of the action sequences with laziness and carelessness, which sort of works considering the style of his oeuvre as in that the parodic elements and complete degradation of the genres and subjects he touches can easily flourish even on auto-pilot but this outing lacks compelling images, expressive touches and a cohesive sense of direction that typically unites all of the elements of a good film, things we usually find on Mattei films but not here, making it one of his least interesting ones.

The first person sequence with Sybil Danning and a couple of the delirious scenes kind of bring this one up a notch but the poor budget restricts much of it. With the classically mostly static camera, the kitschy outfits and the abundant wide shots that capture the fights, one can understand that it's totally a peplum send up, after all, it's on Italy's DNA regardless of whether or not they try to rip-off Conan. As its own peplum tribute/parody it works just fine even in its poor condition.

The problem with this movie is not that it rehashes the plot of "The Magnificent Seven"; after all, even that movie was a remake of something else ("The Seven Samurai", which I have not seen yet). The problem is that it rehashes it in a plodding and unimaginative fashion. The main difference between the two movies (besides the obviously lower production quality, of course) is that "The Magnificent Seven" were interesting, intelligent and articulate characters; "The Seven Magnificent Gladiators" are 5 primitive muscleheads, a rookie, and a warrior woman (Sybil Danning). The fight scenes are mostly Bud-Spencer-and-Terence-Hill-do-sword-and-sorcery-style. And being this a PG film, it completely lacks any of the blood and nudity usually found in the genre. A sensuous (but brief) female bikini wrestling match is as risqué, and as thrilling, as it gets here, folks (and no, Sybil is not featured in it). (**)

Move over Kurosawa and Sturges, Bruno "SS Girls" Mattei has got this. Basically the old Seven Samurai plot reworked for ancient Roman times. A demigod douchebag is terrorizing frightened villagers. So some of the village women go and get a magic sword that only one man can wield (heard that before?). Then they recruit Lou Ferrigno, Brad Harris, sexy Sybil Danning, and a few forgettable types to help fight the villain.

Reunites the stars of Cannon's Hercules movie, released the same year. It's directed with what can only honestly be called a complete absence of talent. Badly acted, badly dubbed, with stunt choreography that appears to have been made up on the spot not unlike my brother & I play fighting as kids using sticks as swords. Filmed in Italy and utilizing actual ruins as sets, this should have at least had some local flavor or scenic appeal going for it. But nope. I wanted to like it in spite of itself, but it's just not that much fun.