James Bolam credited as playing...
Trevor Chaplin
- [over school dinner, discussing the attempts to frighten them]
- Trevor Chaplin: I still think it's a lot of fuss about a dead cat.
- Jill Swinburne: *You* wouldn't have liked it.
- Trevor Chaplin: I had a noose and I didn't scream.
- Jill Swinburne: You big brave macho incredible hulk, you.
- Trevor Chaplin: I just got up on the desk and took it down.
- [Trevor chuckles]
- Trevor Chaplin: As my mother used to say, "no noose is good noose".
- Jill Swinburne: Gordon Bennett!
- Trevor Chaplin: You don't even like cats.
- Jill Swinburne: It's not the cat. It's the death aspect.
- Trevor Chaplin: I wonder if they killed it specially, or just found it somewhere.
- Jill Swinburne: Ooh, that's awful.
- Trevor Chaplin: I'm just making a rational analysis of the situation.
- Jill Swinburne: I think it's the same sort of dead cat as they use in that.
- [Jill looks at Trevor's dinner; Trevor pushes his plate away in revulsion]
- Jill Swinburne: I think somebody is trying to frighten us. Successfully.
- Trevor Chaplin: Mmm-hmm!
- Jill Swinburne: You're frightened?
- Trevor Chaplin: Oh yes. I only *pretend* to be brave.
- Jill Swinburne: I think I might need somebody to give me cuddle tonight.
- Trevor Chaplin: Me too.
- Jill Swinburne: See Mrs Swinburne in her classroom after school.
- Trevor Chaplin: You what? I'm not going in *her* classroom - it's full of dead cats!
- Jill Swinburne: I don't find that funny, Trevor.
- Trevor Chaplin: No. I don't suppose it was a barrel of laughs for the cat, either.
- Trevor Chaplin: Did the earth move, Darling?
- Jill Swinburne: No, but the dressing table twitched a few times.
- Trevor Chaplin: It's two years exactly...
- Jill Swinburne: Two years exactly since I dragged you into bed for the first time and slaked my lust on your body.
- Mr Carter: Education is wonderful, isn't it?
- Jill Swinburne: Yes. I wonder why we're all teachers - seems such a waste.
- Trevor Chaplin: [reads from instruction manual] "Applicate the component A to bracket B with appropriate screwing." Have you tried that?
- Mr Carter: I daren't - not in front of the children.
- [rehearsing Jill's election address over the tannoy]
- Trevor Chaplin: My friends, vote for Jill Swinburne. A vote for Swinburne is a vote for freedom... what's more, she's terrific in bed!
- Jill Swinburne: Give me that, you stupid pillock.
- Trevor Chaplin: Shh. The neighbours might hear.
- Jill Swinburne: How do you switch it off?
- Trevor Chaplin: You switch the switch marked "switch".
- Jill Swinburne: You've probably lost me the election.
- Trevor Chaplin: I might have *won* you the election!
- Jill Swinburne: D'you fancy going out tonight? Belated anniversary celebration.
- Trevor Chaplin: What is it? "Save the whale" or "single-parent families"?
- Jill Swinburne: I've got no kids - I can't be a single-parent family.
- Trevor Chaplin: Have you considered fostering a blue whale? Solve two problems.
- [Sergeant Hobson has warned Big Al that using the church crypt as a warehouse contravenes planning regulations]
- Big Al: The town planners have moved in like a wolf on the fold.
- Trevor Chaplin: I believe they tend to do that.
- Big Al: If we don't get all that gear out of the church basement by the weekend, we're all pencilled-in for deportation, solitary confinement, loss of privileges, discharge with ignominy, boiling in oil... or a small fine.
- Trevor Chaplin: All that for breaking the town planning regulations?
- Big Al: I think you get a choice - I haven't studied the small-print.
- [Helen has invited Trevor for lunch to meet her parents]
- Helen: Mother's been up half the night with her stroganoff.
- Trevor Chaplin: [flippantly] Well, what use is money if you haven't got your health?