Steve Martin credited as playing...
Roger Cobb
- Edwina Cutwater: What is so important about sex?
- Roger Cobb: What's so important about sex? That's like "What's important about laughing?" Or," "Duke Ellington" or the "World Series"? It's one of those things that makes you feel like you're really - living, Iike you're glad to be alive!
- Edwina Cutwater: I am already glad to be alive. I don't need to play 'tonsil hockey' with some English tart to feel good. I already feel good. I feel wonderful In fact, I feel - quite tingly!
- Roger Cobb: Yeah, that's right. Those are my tingles you're feeling.
- Edwina Cutwater: What do you mean?
- Roger Cobb: It's called "sexual - excitement".
- Edwina Cutwater: It is?
- Roger Cobb: Yes. If you think this feels good, wait'll you feel what hot, passionate boffing feels like.
- Edwina Cutwater: And what happens? Bigger tingles?
- Roger Cobb: Oh! Major tingles.
- Edwina Cutwater: But, will she still respect us tomorrow?
- Roger Cobb: She doesn't respect us now!
- Edwina Cutwater: Let's boff.
- Roger: Just because my grandfather didn't rape the environment and exploit the workers doesn't make me a peasant. And it's not that he didn't want to rape the environment and exploit the workers, I'm sure he did. It's just that as a barber, he didn't have that much opportunity.
- Roger: You'll have to do it.
- Edwina Cutwater: Do what?
- Roger: You know, take it out.
- Edwina Cutwater: Take what out?
- Roger: The little fireman.
- Edwina Cutwater: The little fireman?
- Roger: You know, my penis.
- Edwina Cutwater: How dare you say penis to a dead person.
- Edwina Cutwater: Well I don't see why you're getting so upset about all this.
- Roger: Because I want my body back. And I want my freedom and my privacy. And most of all, I'd like to be able to take a leak without being fondled.
- Edwina Cutwater: You may find this hard to believe, but 'fondling you' while you make pee-pee is not my idea of a good time.
- Edwina Cutwater: Hmm, we seem to have mutual control over our body.
- Roger: OUR body? This is my body! I'm not sharing my body with anyone!
- Hardhat: [overhears] Everybody's gonna be real disappointed.
- Terry Hoskins: [Roger and Terry start to have sex and she lowers his underwear] Roger, what's wrong?
- Roger: What?
- Terry Hoskins: Don't I excite you?
- Roger: Edwina, what are you doing?
- Edwina Cutwater: I'm thinking of very old nuns.
- Roger: Please don't do this to me!
- Terry Hoskins: Roger, don't you want me?
- Roger: [Bolts from the bed] Oh, God! Now she's thinking of dead kittens!
- Edwina Cutwater: Guess what I'm going to do?
- Roger: What?
- Edwina Cutwater: I'm going to come back from the dead.
- Roger: Aaahhhh. And what makes you think you can do that?
- Edwina Cutwater: Because I'm rich.
- Edwina Cutwater: You know, you don't have to speak out loud. I can hear your thoughts.
- Roger: Great, just what I've always wanted.
- Peggy Schuyler: By the way, I never liked your dog. And I think jazz is stupid! And I faked all of those orgasms. 'Ah! Ah! Oh! Yes!' Sound familiar?
- Roger: Yeah? Well I faked mine too!
- Roger Cobb: I've been thinking. Remember that thing you used to want to talk about? And we never did? You know, the M-word? Well, I think maybe it's time that we did the M-word.
- Peggy Schuyler: Roger, I don't think you're ready to do the M-word.
- Roger Cobb: Yeah, I am. Honest. Peggy, I want to get - M'd.
- Peggy Schuyler: Roger, if you can't say the M-word, then you're not ready to do the M-word.
- Peggy Schuyler: Roger, you go to court tomorrow, we're through.
- Roger: If I don't, your father will have my balls.
- Peggy Schuyler: Then it's me or your balls, Roger. You can't have both.
- Roger: You're like an energy vampire. You suck the life out of people and take the fun out of being a lawyer.
- Terry Hoskins: If Miss Cutwater really is inside you, he will help her Ieave your body and enter mine.
- Roger Cobb: I think I envy her.
- Edwina Cutwater: You have no idea what it's like to be inside a healthy body!
- Roger Cobb: I tried to find out last night!
- Edwina Cutwater: Just tell him what happened. I'm sure he'll believe you.
- Roger: (thinks) What, are you kidding? I don't even believe it. If I tell him, he'll definitely have me put away.
- Roger Cobb: This is really good! No more being looked down upon by people that think they're better than I am because they're rich. From now on I'm gonna be respected - by people who think they're better than I am because they're rich.