Nigel Hawthorne credited as playing...
Sir Humphrey Appleby
- James Hacker: I know exactly who reads the papers. The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country. The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country. The Times is read by people who actually do run the country. The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country. The Financial Times is read by people who own the country. The Morning Star is read by the people who think the country should be run by another country. And the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: Prime Minister, what about the people who read the Sun?
- Bernard Woolley: The Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.
- [Sir Humphrey demonstrates how public surveys can reach opposite conclusions]
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: Mr. Woolley, are you worried about the rise in crime among teenagers?
- Bernard Woolley: Yes.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: Do you think there is lack of discipline and vigorous training in our Comprehensive Schools?
- Bernard Woolley: Yes.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: Do you think young people welcome some structure and leadership in their lives?
- Bernard Woolley: Yes.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: Do they respond to a challenge?
- Bernard Woolley: Yes.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: Might you be in favour of reintroducing National Service?
- Bernard Woolley: Er, I might be.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: Yes or no?
- Bernard Woolley: Yes.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: Of course, after all you've said you can't say no to that. On the other hand, the surveys can reach opposite conclusions.
- [survey two]
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: Mr. Woolley, are you worried about the danger of war?
- Bernard Woolley: Yes.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: Are you unhappy about the growth of armaments?
- Bernard Woolley: Yes.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: Do you think there's a danger in giving young people guns and teaching them how to kill?
- Bernard Woolley: Yes.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: Do you think it's wrong to force people to take arms against their will?
- Bernard Woolley: Yes.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: Would you oppose the reintroduction of conscription?
- Bernard Woolley: Yes.
- [does a double-take]
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: There you are, Bernard. The perfectly balanced sample.