Michael Douglas credited as playing...
Jack Colton
- Jack Colton: What did you do, wake up this morning and say, "Today, I'm going to ruin a man's life"?
- Joan Wilder: What is all this?
- Jack Colton: All this? About five to life in the States, a couple of centuries down here.
- Joan Wilder: Oh, marijuana.
- Jack Colton: Oh, you smoke it?
- Joan Wilder: [defensively] I went to college.
- Jack Colton: My minimum price for taking a stranded lady to a telephone is 400 dollars.
- Joan Wilder: Will you take 375 in traveler's checks?
- Jack Colton: American Express?
- Joan Wilder: Of course.
- Jack Colton: You've got a deal.
- Joan Wilder: Excuse me, mister. Can you tell where can I get to a telephone?
- Jack Colton: No, lady. I don't have any idea. I'm sorry.
- Joan Wilder: But it's very important that I get to one.
- Jack Colton: Well, we've all got our problems today. Don't we?
- Joan Wilder: Can you tell me where the nearest town is?
- Jack Colton: English speaking? How about Miami?
- Joan Wilder: Will there be another bus?
- Jack Colton: Another bus? This is it.
- [looks around a deserted, dirt mountain road]
- Jack Colton: You've got rush hour.
- Joan Wilder: I need to get to Cartagena.
- Jack Colton: Cartagena? Angel, you are hell and gone from Cartagena. Cartagena's over there on the coast.
- Joan Wilder: But they told me this bus...
- Jack Colton: Who told you that? Who told you this bus was going to Cartagena?
- Joan Wilder: That man...
- Jack Colton: That nice man who pulled a gun on you? What else did he tell you?
- Jack Colton: Goddamn it, I knew I should've listened to my mother. I could've been a cosmetic surgeon, five hundred thou a year, up to my neck in tits and ass.
- Jack Colton: [Jack and Joan find the stone in a cave] Jesus Christ, we're in a lot of trouble.
- Ralph: [surprising them, holding a gun] Understatement of the year, asshole.
- Jack Colton: [to Joan] Is there anybody who *isn't* following you?
- Ralph: Put the goods in the bag.
- [Jack surrenders the stone]
- Ralph: Now move it, before Batman comes home.
- Jack Colton: I understand you have a car. We would like to buy it or rent it, we need to get to a town.
- Juan: What do you call this I'm living in, a pigsty?
- Jack Colton: Oh, no this is great...
- Juan: Hit the road.
- Jack Colton: No, senor, see we...
- Juan: Hit-the-road.
- Jack Colton: But we...
- Juan: [points a gun at him] Vaya con dios, gringo.
- Jack Colton: [Jack and Joan back off and turn around, to find that all of Juan's men have pulled guns on them too] Okay, Joan Wilder, write us out of this one.
- Juan: Joan Wilder... Joan Wilder? *The* Joan Wilder?
- [lowering gun, opening door and walking out]
- Juan: You are Joan Wilder, the novelist?
- Joan Wilder: Well, yes, I am.
- Juan: I read your books! I read all your books!
- [turning to his men, in Spanish]
- Juan: This is Joan Wilder, who writes the books I read to you on Saturdays!
- Bad Hombre: [awestruck] Juanita... Juanita, it's Juanita!
- [all the men put away their guns and wave enthusiastically]
- [last lines]
- [Jack shows off his new crocodile skin boots made from the crocodile he has killed]
- Joan Wilder: I like your boots.
- Jack Colton: Yup, that poor old yellow-tailed guy... developed a fatal case of indigestion. He died right in my arms.
- Joan Wilder: I can't blame him. If I were to die, there's nowhere on earth I'd rather be.
- Jack Colton: I couldn't stop thinking about you. I even read one of your books.
- Joan Wilder: Then you know how they all end.
- Jack Colton: Yeah. Hi.
- Joan Wilder: Hi.
- [they kiss passionately]
- Joan Wilder: You're leaving? You're leaving me?
- Jack Colton: You're gonna be all right, Joan Wilder.
- [they kiss]
- Jack Colton: You always were.
- Jack Colton: [picking up a magazine] Dammit man, the Doobie Brothers broke up! Shit! When did that happen?
- Joan Wilder: How long have you been down here?
- Jack Colton: Forever.
- Jack Colton: [looking at a photo of his dream yacht whilst lying in bed with Joan] Someday if I had the money, I'd take you... we'd sail away... around the world and back again. I promise you. I promise you we'll do that.
- [they kiss and Joan holds Jack more tightly]
- Joan Wilder: Why haven't you taken the map away from me?
- Jack Colton: What are you talking about?
- Joan Wilder: I saw that tree today, the Devil's Fork, it's on the map. You know how close we are?
- Jack Colton: Yeah sure I do. What's that got to do with it?
- Joan Wilder: I was thinking about something you said... about having more to bargain with.
- Jack Colton: Yeah. The best way to help your sister is to get that treasure and if you waltz into Cartagena you're holding all the cards.
- Joan Wilder: [looks at the picture of the yacht, then back at Jack] I'd love to see you on that boat. But Jack if we have to give it up... to save Elaine?
- Jack Colton: Then we give it up. I mean it's your sister. Hell yeah. Of course we give it up. That's the point. At least we've got the leverage to do it.
- Joan Wilder: [looks at the picture of the yacht again, then back at Jack] OK. OK. Let's got for it.
- [they kiss]
- Joan Wilder: What about the bridge?
- Jack Colton: That ain't a bridge. That's goddamned pre-Columbian art!
- Jack Colton: Wait a minute, he's after you. Who the hell are you?
- Joan Wilder: Well, I'm a romance novelist.
- Jack Colton: You're what? What are you doing here?
- Joan Wilder: I told you, my sister's life depends on me.
- Jack Colton: Ah, don't give me that shit. I thought you were donating a kidney or something.
- Joan Wilder: You're a mondo dismo!
- Jack Colton: I'm... what am I? I'm what?
- Joan Wilder: You're a man who takes money from stranded women!
- Jack Colton: [ducking bullets behind a boulder] The cops? What do they want? I haven't done anything lately!