Alfonso Arau credited as playing...
Juan
- Jack Colton: I understand you have a car. We would like to buy it or rent it, we need to get to a town.
- Juan: What do you call this I'm living in, a pigsty?
- Jack Colton: Oh, no this is great...
- Juan: Hit the road.
- Jack Colton: No, senor, see we...
- Juan: Hit-the-road.
- Jack Colton: But we...
- Juan: [points a gun at him] Vaya con dios, gringo.
- Jack Colton: [Jack and Joan back off and turn around, to find that all of Juan's men have pulled guns on them too] Okay, Joan Wilder, write us out of this one.
- Juan: Joan Wilder... Joan Wilder? *The* Joan Wilder?
- [lowering gun, opening door and walking out]
- Juan: You are Joan Wilder, the novelist?
- Joan Wilder: Well, yes, I am.
- Juan: I read your books! I read all your books!
- [turning to his men, in Spanish]
- Juan: This is Joan Wilder, who writes the books I read to you on Saturdays!
- Bad Hombre: [awestruck] Juanita... Juanita, it's Juanita!
- [all the men put away their guns and wave enthusiastically]
- Joan Wilder: Can we get there in your car?
- Juan: Who told you I had a car?
- Joan Wilder: The men in the village.
- Juan: They told you I had a car? They are such comedians. They meant my little mule: Pepe.
- Joan Wilder: What I would really like - would be a phone.
- Juan: No. No. No. No. No phones. No phones. I hate phones. I don't have a phone. But, have a drink! Let's hang out!
- Juan: See that river?
- Jack Colton: What, the one without the bridge?
- Juan: This river is the main water supply for many villages.
- Joan Wilder: What do you mean the one without the bridge?
- Juan: It feeds right into the Amazon.
- Jack Colton: The one without the bridge! Where the hell are you going?
- Juan: To Lupe's Escape. I used it many times in the past.
- [taking out a remote control and pressing a button, a bridge raises and the jeep jumps over the river]
- Juan: Joan Wilder, oh! I've been reading your books all these years. I'm so honored to have you here, I can't believe it. Welcome to my humble house!
- [Opens the door to reveal the courtyard of a large hacienda]