Peter O'Toole: Dr. Harry Wolper

Creator

Dr. Harry Wolper

Boris: You know, Harry, I'm still trying to find the big picture but I keep missing it because I am so in love with Barbara that nothing else matters.
Dr Harry Wolper: What makes you think you are missing it?

Dr Harry Wolper: I tell you Sid, that one of these days we'll look in to our microscope and find ourselves staring right into God's eyes, and the first one who blinks is going to lose his testicles.

Dr Harry Wolper: Any news on that student assistant I want?
Mrs Pruitt: Oh, yes. Mrs Gonzalez from the registrar's office called with regard to your request for another slave, and wanted me to remind you that she is still waiting to hear why exactly it is that you permitted Dennis Goffman to submit the Bible for his dissertation. Quote, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I subject another graduate student to the kind of zoo that - " and then she started speaking in Spanish.

Meli: [in the buffet line at a formal party] I really mean it, Dr Wolper. I want us to get married.
Dr Harry Wolper: Meli! You still call me "Dr Wolper".
Meli: So? What's that supposed to mean? When I met you, you were Dr Wolper, and that's the way I got to know you. So don't go making any big goddam deal outta that, too. I'm just a formal-type person. If I were sleeping with the king of France I'd say, "That was very nice sex, Your Highness. Thank you for banging me, Your Majesty."
[pause]
Paul: Now that's what I call respect, fellas.
[chuckles all round]

Boris: Harry, how did you know you were in love? I mean with you and Lucy. How'd you know it wasn't just infatuation?
Dr Harry Wolper: Scientifically, of COURSE. By using The Love Formula.
Boris: The what?
Dr Harry Wolper: Love Formula. Add up the number of times that you think about the lady each day. Subtract from the total the number of times you think about yourself each day. If the remainder is more lady, and less yourself, then it's love.
Boris: Oh, I've been thinking about Barbara a lot lately.
Dr Harry Wolper: What's so very neat about this particular formula, is that "a lot" plugs into it beautifully. Boris, would you and the subject of your computations care to join me at the beach house for the weekend?

Dr Harry Wolper: Another of the dilemmas "in which we are all", Pavlo, is that there are too many damn machines around here. We're all missing The Big Picture.

Boris: That's it? One course in "The Big Picture". 12 credits.
Dr Harry Wolper: It's very big. 12 credits probably isn't enough, it's so big.
Boris: I think I'll go back down to registration.
Dr Harry Wolper: There are no exams. Grades are based on interest and participation.
Boris: It's ok with me, I like exams.
Dr Harry Wolper: MY assistantships pay $3,500.
Boris: So do everybody else's.
Dr Harry Wolper: Also, I know the name of the girl you followed into the lab.
[pause]
Boris: I need to think.
Dr Harry Wolper: Think there.

Dr Harry Wolper: Look! First day of classes. Undergraduate female bottoms as far as the eye can see. In two weeks time, all the really choice bottoms will be in the hands, so to speak, of the varsity athletes.

Boris: Love is dead, Harry.
Dr Harry Wolper: How depressing. Never mind, Boris. Women's liberation will run its course and we will prevail.

Dr Harry Wolper: An institute for advanced research with no funds for research. It's a provocative concept.

Professor Brauer: I hope you'll accept this advice, as the word of a scholar and a lover of truth.
Dr Harry Wolper: Absolutely.
Professor Brauer: Whatever you do Harry, don't use your own money.

Dr Harry Wolper: [to the Site Review committee] As you know, our research here relates to the biochemical mechanisms of disease. And I am pleased to announce this morning that God has agreed to provide us with all the answers we need for just under $800,000.

Dr Harry Wolper: (to patient) Well now, haven't you put yourself into a pretty old pickle?
Boris: Harry.
Dr Harry Wolper: Eh heh?
Boris: Harry, she's in a coma.
Dr Harry Wolper: Comas confuse me. She's not asleep. She is not dead. She must be alive, don't you think?
Boris: Yes.
Dr Harry Wolper: But what we need round here is some consciousness.

Dr Harry Wolper: Does it check?
Boris: Yes it checks. They all check. They're coming out just the way they did when Sid ordered them. You're right, he does good work.
Dr Harry Wolper: Mmm. Also, he is an asshole.

Dr Harry Wolper: Paul, I don't think I would want to be God. Not that I'm turning down any recent offers, but there are four thousand million humans on this earth and yet I still feel alone. I can't imagine how it must feel to be One God.

Boris: [the doctors have removed Barbara's ventilator and are reading her vitals] Barbara! You did great!
[kisses her hand, then her forehead]
Boris: Now, don't go anywhere! I'm gonna go get your parents, and I'm gonna tell Harry! Ok? Oh, Barbara! I love you! She's alive!
[Boris hugs Cid]
Boris: Barabara's alive!
[Boris hugs a nurse walking past the ICU]
Boris: Barbara's alive!
[Boris leaps over the nurse's station and kisses the nurse]
Boris: I gotta go tell everybody!
[Boris runs out towards the entrance]
Dr Harry Wolper: [Harry is sitting on the bench outside the entrance to the lab, reading a newspaper and waiting for news on Barbara]
Boris: [races out of the lab and looks around wildly. He sees Harry sitting on the bench, who has seen Boris run out, putting down his paper] SON OF A BITCH!
[Boris screams this, throwing his hands up in the air]
Dr Harry Wolper: [Harry stands, drops the paper and closing his eyes, holds out his arms as Boris comes running to him and throws his arms around Harry. The two embrace, and Boris begins crying tears of happiness and relief into Harry's shoulder]

Dr Harry Wolper: You know, Boris, when science finally peers over the crest of the mountain, it will find that religion has been sitting there all along.

Dr Harry Wolper: Sequencer? Sid doesn't need a sequencer, Pavlo.... And he doesn't have the room for it anyway.
Pavlo: Oh, he put all of his animals in my lab.
[pause]
Dr Harry Wolper: Sid may have the only biology lab in the world that has nothing alive in it.