Don't Open Till Christmas

It's refreshing to know that Americans aren't the only ones who can turn out crappy slasher movies. The same British team that did this one also made one of the more idiotic American slasher movies of the 1980's ("Slaughter High"), but here they abandon the stateside setting and the faux American accents to embrace their inherent Britishness while still making a movie that is every bit as inept and pathetic as their "American" effort.

In the seedier parts of London a mad killer is slashing men dressed as Santa Clause. Why? Believe me, you don't want to know, but never has there been a greater collection of drunken, lecherous reprobates than the Santa victims in this movie (Don't they screen their prospective Santa Claus candidates in London?). Between the drunks, potential child molesters, and garden-variety creeps, there isn't a unworthy victim among them. And if there is a mad Santa killer on the loose, why do they all insist on going everywhere dressed in their Santa duds? One sap even wears his costume into a peep show where (in a scene that, I think, is meant to be funny) he tells the stripper that he's not "the real one." Then there is nude fashion model who takes a guy out in the alley for a quickie dressed only in a Santa coat, and of course, meets the killer who luridly runs his knife down her nude body. (I'd complain about the gratuitous misogyny here, but it's one of the best scenes in the movie). On the gore side, we have an grossly overweight pervert Santa who is castrated in a urinal (a metaphor for the movie as a whole perhaps?)

Aside from the aforementioned gore and crumpet, this movie is mostly just boring. I'd term it as a London-based X-mas version of "The New York Ripper", but it's much more dull than tasteless. The only good thing I can say about it is I don't regret having watched it (mostly because it came as part of a dirt cheap 50-movie DVD compilation I recently bought). Don't go too far out of your way for this one though.

A very British entry into the 1980's slasher cannon. It feels as if the EastEnders writers thought that they'd give jumping on the slasher bandwagon a go, but lacking any real insight into the genre they get it a bit wrong at most turns!

Lacking the perkiness of most of its American cousins and the style of the Italian gialli, the film is nevertheless more aligned to the giallo in terms of structure and plot, police procedural action and a whodunit angle with numerous characters.

It gets pluses for the mask, a variety of amusing kills, the London Dungeon scene and the sheer curiosity factor given that UK slashers of this era are relatively rare. There is a bargain basement TV actors look and feel throughout, like a fairly straight BBC version of a slasher film. London looks suitably gross, seedy and grotty. A few off the wall moments keep it fairly enjoyable and worth a look for fans of sleazy, cult, obscure trash.

I knew from previous reviews that "Don't Open Till Christmas" would be bad, but I didn't realise just HOW bad! But perhaps that's just as well. The 'story' is so sleazy and mean-spirited that the film would be deeply nasty if it were well-made. As it is, it is just laughable.

Even on the most basic levels, "Don't Open Till Christmas" fails to work. The various murders, though gory, are suspenseless. We know nothing of the victims, we know when the killer's about to strike (so there is no surprise) and the direction is hamfisted. The giallo elements fall flat because neither we nor the police are given any clues and indeed the police investigation never really comes to a conclusion.

Parts of the film simply don't make any sense. The timeframe is all to hell, for one thing. Early on, a newspaper headline reads "Only three killing days left to Christmas", but then four or five days pass and we're only at Christmas Eve! Lines like "Is there a pattern here?", after 3 Santas have been gorily dispatched, beggar belief. It also seems unlikely that people would still be happily wandering around London in Santa costumes if a psychopathic Claus-slayer WERE on the loose!

The direction is inept, the dialogue ludicrous and the acting desperately flat. And why does Mark Jones, as one of the police investigators, dress like a Twenties matinee idol? Perhaps his flamboyant costumes are an effort by the makers to disguise attention from the threadbare sets!

Nevertheless, "Don't Open Till Christmas" does have a certain historical interest as the very last gasp of the low-budget British horror film. The involvement of Derek Ford gives it a tenuous link to the gory glory days of Compton and Tigon. And it's amazing to think that it was made in 1984, the time when Goldcrest were at their height. What a contrast between such genteel efforts as "Chariots of Fire" and "The Dresser" and this sadistic little affair!

This movie is pretty lame, but not unwatchable. The acting is cheesy and the killing scenes are ultra cheese, but I did like the killer, his face (mask) was cool and when he talked to the girl he chained up his voice was great. It was an interesting concept but the makers didn't maake it solid enougth, a lot of loose ends, and holes in the plot. The story is Somebody with very little Christmas spirit is killing anyone in a Santa suit one London holiday season, and Scotland Yard has to stop him before he makes his exploits an annual tradition. It's a very cheesy flick, special effects arn't great but a good watch if you like 80's slashers.

This is a slasher that has no qualms about mimicking others, employing abundant tropes, or being extra ham-handed or even cartoonish. The very premise is rather outrageous, as no few lines of dialogue portend each on their own: "He was the victim of another Santa murder." Make no mistake, 'Don't open till Christmas' fits neatly within the genre - so neatly that one quickly wonders if "movie by numbers" isn't an apt description. For what it's worth, though, it at least demonstrates higher production values and more restraint than some of its brethren (contemporary, or modern for that matter), and is mildly entertaining.

However, as the saying goes, the devil is in the details.

This isn't the type of slasher with substantial carefulness in its craft. Plot development is slow, and like the curious scene writing feels almost haphazard at points. Sequencing and editing at large are direly inelegant, and direction is more than a little slipshod, with some shots and scenes very notably suffering from a less than graceful hand. To be fair - I gather this production experienced no few problems, and changed hands multiple times, before it ever saw the light of day, so perhaps the indelicacies can be chalked up at least in part to "too many cooks." Still, even the core narrative is a pure contrivance of cheeky horror storytelling. Connective threads between scenes and story beats are deeply questionable, and the killer's motivations seem specious. 'Don't open till Christmas' is certainly a case in which death scenes were prioritized over writing - and pretty much all else, really.

There's broadly nothing remarkable about the performances here - though the fact of the cast in and of itself is a small bit of fun. Alan Lake's is a very recognizable name - and Caroline Munro's, too. Her appearance in yet another British genre film of the 70s or 80s is no real surprise, but a delight all the same. On the other hand, it's low-key astonishing that Belinda Mayne has such a substantial part; while she clearly has no few credits, she isn't someone who has ever been particularly prominent in cinema at large, so her involvement here is a joy. Des Dolan's score seems a little at odds at points - occasionally reflecting other horror themes, sometimes sounding out of place with synth-driven chords that would feel more at home in a sci-fi flick - but is enjoyable nonetheless. The blood and gore is definitely over the top, but looks decent enough.

This is an oddity, and a little bit all over the board. Some scenes are written and executed reasonably well, including the climax; others far less so - and most poorly rendered of all is the reveal, paired with the climax, that would hope to explain the killing motive. So it is for almost everything about the feature, a mixed bag of minor quality and major deficiency. And still, the most significant unifying factor is that both the storytelling and film-making that would connect all the dots are terribly weak, resulting in a story and a picture that often feels disjointed, with at most a very tenuous and at times nigh invisible through line from one scene to the next. It's as though the screenplay were founded on "Santa murders," but the writers struggled from there on to build their work, and after a point the directors just couldn't be bothered.

On the one hand I think I'm being too kind in my assessment - but then again, maybe I'm being too harsh. For all the clumsiness in its construction, 'Don't open till Christmas' still manages to be passably entertaining. I just rather wish it were approached with more thoughtful attention; a smidgen more diligence would have gone a long way. No matter how you look at it, this is far from solid - but if you're looking for a slasher no matter the quality, and a holiday-themed one at that, I suppose it's serviceable. Just don't go out of your way for it.

Recommended for fans of the cast and anyone who has a grudge against Santa.