Hell Squad

My review was written in March 1986 after watching the movie on MGM/UA video cassette.

"Hell Squad" is a laughable action picture about Las Vegas showgirls who become instant commandos. Made circa 1983, pic was released theatrically overseas last year but domestic distrib Cannon sent the film directly to home video stores (via its MGM/UA deal) domestically.

Bainbridge Scott is a pretty blonde who toplines as Jan, a manager of Vegas showgirls enlisted by her former boyfriend Jim (Walter Cox) to help him rescue a diplomat's son Glen Hartford who's been kidnapped by Arabs demanding the secret of a neutron bomb weapon.

Nearly 20 statuesque girls go through a week's crash training course, after which nine are chosen (including Jan, the only one with previous fighting skills) to mount a commando raid in the Middle East. Typical of the film's carelessness, only eight girls are identified in the poolside selection scene, yet a squad of nine carries on for the rest of the picture.

Poor action scene ensue, revolving around the running gag of the gals repeatedly returning to their hotel suite and together hopping into a big, communal bathtub, due to a local water shortage. Reversing the usual pecking order of exploitation films, only leading player Jan has nude scenes, while the other girls manage to remain covered up.

Filmmaker Ken Hartford is known for buying and selling features "by the pound" for international distribution, but he seems to have short-changed the viewer here. Filmed out west, picture includes unconvincing stock footage to represent the Middle East, plus cheap sets and a library music-type score. Level of humor is evidenced by an end credit that thanks: "42 members of PLO who played themselves as terrorists".

I honestly wish I could say that I invited the juicy catchphrase of my review's subject line myself, but alas, I blatantly stole it from the back of the cover of the original Belgian VHS-release. Roughly translated the brief plot description on the box of the old video cassette that I own says: "This battalion of incredibly hot girls is on a top-secret and ultra-dangerous mission that will bring them BEHIND enemy lines and BETWEEN enemy sheets!". As a sucker for 80s trash/exploitation I simply had to see this film. Now, I personally think that the clichéd expression "so-bad-it's-good" is very much overused, but it is definitely the most apt description of Kenneth Hartford's "Hell Squad". The son of an American ambassador in the Middle-East is kidnapped by terrorists and they demand nuclear weapons in exchange for his release. Instead of looking for any kind of alternatives, the ambassador's personal assistant travels to Las Vegas all by himself and recruits a bunch of buxom strip dancers for a secret mission. Without knowing what purpose they'll serve, the girls follow an intense 10-day military training and then they are subsequently dropped in the desert. This really could have worked very efficiently as a sexploitation-spoof (or even a porn movie, perhaps) but the problem is that this film, and its entire cast and crew alike, take itself so damn seriously! Besides, the glorious description about the sheet and all isn't even true. The action sequences in "Hell Squad" are as follows: the women storm into a random enemy camp or underground lair, blow away all the evil Arabs and subsequently return to their luxurious hotel room where they all sit and relax in the jacuzzi together. Yes, apparently hotels in the Middle-East standard offer gigantic hot tubs in each room. You guessed it; a truly bad but unique film-experience!

"Hell squad hell squad we're the best, don't ever put us to the test. We're a helluva of a fighting machine, we are tough and goddamn mean. The hell squad girls gotta lot of sass, if you mess with us we'll kick your ass." Uh, sure anytime.

You can actually start anywhere in the movie and start watching. I picked this point where they where matching and all had matching short-shorts with some type of beret and chanting the above ditty. After a few weeks each one is commando trained and an expert in their field, according to the recruiter.

The filmmakers had a great time making this thing. The only thing that it lacks was a group shower scene. Lots of Hollywood bunny "actors" from small town Idaho and New Jersey (probably). After trekking out with jeeps they kill a group of Arab soldiers, who can't fight, then they go back to the hotel and take another group bath. On and on it just never ends. Don't think we'll get a blue ray anytime soon.

I couldn't believe how bad this was.

Still I was entertained.

Why? Those ladies, despite their obvious 'talent', (hehheh) were GORGEOUS.

This was stock footage surrounded by a two set filming. The lack of real cast was desperately covered up.

So many missions that we never saw. Then the ladies come home in their military/fetish unis and lounge in provocative positions.

One reason to see this film...you're drunk and love to see ladies in hotpants. (Ok, two reasons.)

From the cheesy dialog to the no-talent 'actresses', there is not one redeeming quality about this 'film'!

About the point these commando bikini-models were putting on their flippers and snorkel gear to swim across a lake in a middle of a desert to a stock photograph of a castle in the European mountains I lost my lunch.

The biggest laugh of the movie was the reveal of 'Ann' as 'Andy' when a halloween budget mask was pulled off of Ann/Andy. Couldn't help but think of Austin Powers, "That's a MAN, man!"

So bad it's laughable! If there was a ZERO STAR rating this movie would have it!