Horror House on Highway Five

I've read many, many lengthy, compelling reviews of HORROR HOUSE ON HIGHWAY FIVE. Every single one of them ripped this little straight-to-video obscurity to shreds. None of these reviews even hinted that the film could be considered at least slightly amusing, if even for camp value. It was because of this type of incessant, brutal criticism the movie has received by the few people who have actually seen it that I decided to seek it out and give it a go. When I finally saw it, I was stunned. No review, no plot summary, or no inane message-board-horror-freak banter could have prepared me for the experience.

HORROR HOUSE ON HIGHWAY FIVE has an approximate running time of 90 minutes, but to me, it was all a blur. I popped in the tape and was immediately bombarded with a barrage of surreal, incoherent images and eerily funny yet nonsensical lines of dialogue. For the first time in years, I was glued to my television set. There was really no plot per se, but rather a constant stream of cinematic insanity involving a man in a Nixon mask, two Nazi brothers, pot smoking hippies, dead cats, homemade explosives, dancing, chloroform hijinx, and a disturbingly unfitting, genre-defiant soundtrack.

Now, mind you, I am no stranger to the vast world of bizarre movies. I thoroughly enjoy flicks such as ERASERHEAD, SWEET MOVIE, BEGOTTEN, UN CHIEN ANDALOU, and EL TOPO. But for whatever reason, this movie affected me on a level that no other has, and I'm having a hard time pinpointing why. Perhaps it's because films like the ones I just listed knew exactly what they were doing. They were meant to be disturbing, bizarre, and confusing, thus making their weirdness easier to accept. But I'm not so sure HHOH5 even realizes just how strange it really is. I'm sure its intent was simply to spook and shock its viewers, but instead it comes across as some kind of completely accidental minimalist/surrealist/faux-arthouse pic. Imagine blending the works of Nick Zedd, Ed Wood, and Salvador Dali. Yes, it's just that weird.

So did I like this movie? I honestly don't know. For once in my life a movie has sent my emotions into a whirlwind, and trying to determine my feelings about it is nothing short of impossible. It's almost as if HHOH5 has caused some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain. I will say this, though: it was definitely entertaining, but don't know if I could ever prepare myself to endure its lunacy a second time.

What can I say? This is the absolute WORST movie EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER made. And that's a HUGE UNDERSTATEMENT! There is no plot, no acting, no direction, no anything! It's worse than "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" only it takes itself seriously! Now granted it is funny to see Richard Nixon killing people, the death scenes suck. I am also not surprised to see that EVERY actor/actress in this movie have this film as their only credit on the IMDb. Skip this trash unless you absolutely do not believe me. I will give it this: there is definitely nothing else remotely like it! And it had a cool tagline: "They were young and in love. He was crazy. She was dead." Funny stuff.

I only hope my VCR can recover. Lets rate the individual parts shall we:

Acting - BAD Story Line - BAD Dialoge - BAD Cinematography - BAD Effects - BAD

Well, you get the picture. No, don't get the picture. This movie was surprisingly made in 1985. It looks more like an early 70's movie. You would hope at least their would be some gratuitous nudity or some gory killing. But no. The killing scenes are comical and the women remain annoyingly unexposed. The Nixon mask thing could have been more comical if the directors and producers had any clue but alas, they do not.

This forgotten 80s slasher is truly one that has to be seen to be believed. Its got a killer in a Richard Nixon mask, a couple of Nazi brothers, a girl getting her chest ironed (!), invisible whipping weapons (think Phantasm but on a much lower budget), a teleporting disemboweled cat, brain-eating maggots, surf-rock music, and more! None of it makes any sense and by no means is it a good movie but its so bizarre you just cant take your eyes off it! Love the scene where a chick throws herself into a glass coffee table...to get away from the killer! The DVD is the quality of a VHS transfer but, in this case, it actually kinda helps the film by giving it the grainy picture effect that works well for a film of this "so bad it's almost good" caliber.

Um...wow. I don't think anything could have possibly prepared me for this one...it couldn't have been any weirder if the actors walked backwards and talked like Popeye.

A confounding amateur freak-out which sails straight through the roof of conventional exposition, HORROR HOUSE ON HIGHWAY FIVE involves two maniac brothers and their female captive, some kids stranded in the middle of nowhere with a broken-down van, and a vicious killer creeping about in a rubber Nixon mask. Additionally, the film get an injection of undefined supernatural hooey, with the matters at hand awkwardly italicized by inappropriate avant-gard musical sweeps.

When a movie turns out this strange, it becomes rather difficult to criticize. Regardless of your conclusive feelings toward HORROR HOUSE, there's no denying that it's an experience entirely unlike any other. When you consider lengths to which many recognized "great" directors have gone in hopes of achieving this very distinction, the oddly wavering characteristics of this film must be called into question.

...well...sort of.

4/10