Danny DeVito credited as playing...
Ralph
- Ralph: [to Jack] You're all I thought about for six months! They threw me in a jail filled with rejects from the communicable disease ward. Every wacko, drippy, open-sored low-life was in that joint... all of them wanting to hire on as my proctologist!
- Jack T. Colton: What the hell are you talkin' about? I don't even know who the hell you are!
- Tarak: You must come with me to help find the Jewel.
- Ralph: [face lights up] Jewel? What jewel?
- Tarak: The Jewel of the Nile. Our most pricess Jewel. Omar stole my people's Jewel. Omar is a very bad man.
- Ralph: Yeah, that scum, I spit on him! Jack... buddy? Let's help this nice man get his jewel back.
- Tarak: Yes... yes?
- Jack T. Colton: Here, I don't know where you're from or what you're on, but I'm sailing my boat tonight.
- Tarak: No! You must come to help find the Jewel now! Before Omar kill many people! As long as Omar have the Jewel... nothing can stop him.
- Jack T. Colton: Look, I'm going on the boat. You guys can do what you want.
- [behind Jack, his sailboat blows up; Jack slowly turns around looking stunned while both Tarak and Ralph are stunned as well]
- Ralph: The boat blew up.
- Jack T. Colton: My boat blew up?
- Ralph: The boat blew up!
- Jack T. Colton: Everything's gone.
- Ralph: Who are you? The prince of darkness? Don't you got any friends?
- Tarak: Your woman is in danger too. I will take you to him.
- Ralph: I'm comin' too!
- Jack T. Colton: The hell you are!
- Ralph: Look, you owe me Colton. So, where ever you're going, I'm going. Where we going?
- [the captive Ralph is being dragged across the desert floor by the Sufis]
- Ralph: [to himself] Oh, please. Let me get out of this alive. I swear to God, I'll be a good boy from tomorrow on.
- [Ralph and the rest of the Sufis see the smoke in the distance from the burning F-16 which was stolen by Jack]
- Ralph: But tonight, I gotta kill Colton!
- Jack T. Colton: I'm sorry you had such a tough time. Ah, how 'bout a hundred bucks?
- Ralph: A hundred bucks? I'll give you a one-way ticket to harp land. No more jokes! What'd you do with it?
- Jack T. Colton: What are you talkin' about?
- Ralph: The stone, moron!
- Ralph: Ah, what's that I hear? A heart breaking? You sap! Better keep your mind on business, Romeo, you'll wind up gettin' yourself killed over some broad who dumped you.
- Ralph: You hook up with a bunch of juju beads, you see what happens?
- Jack T. Colton: Just take you're lead from me and you'll be fine.
- Ralph: What are we going to do? Walk right through the center of town?
- Jack T. Colton: I'm going to put you up a camel's ass - for openers.
- Ralph: I think I might like it.
- [Ralph comes face-to-face with Omar]
- Omar: Who are you?
- Ralph: Where's Al Jewelhala buried?
- Omar: I said, who the hell are you?
- Ralph: Hey, don't provoke me, pal! I've had a tough day here! You know how hot it is around here? It's 120 degrees in the shade! I'm like this with Weinberger! We'll be all over you like a cheap suit!
- Ralph: [after Ralph walks out of the catacombs into the riot taking place] Looks like Our Lady of Mount Carmel school yard.