Kathleen Turner: Joan

The Jewel of the Nile

Joan

Joan Wilder: My heart just isn't in it. I mean, romance just doesn't seem real to me anymore.
Gloria: Real? You don't write real - you write about people that sail off into the god damn sunset.
Joan Wilder: Well, what about the next day, when the sun comes up?
Gloria: There is no next day! That's why it's a romance. You've got to stop confusing real life with a romantic novel!

[the Jewel is woken up by Joan chipping away at the bars of their cell with a two-by-four plank]
Jewel: What are you doing?
Joan Wilder: In my last novel, 'Angelina and the Savage Secret' Angelina used a nail file to chip away at the bars of her cell to remove them and escape to freedom.
Jewel: How long did this take?
Joan Wilder: Two pages.

Jack T. Colton: I thought you said you wanted to sail around the world with me?
Joan Wilder: Well, I do, but, but not all of it this week. I mean, Jack, this is just becoming a blur. Exotic ports. And great parties. And spectacular sunsets. It's not enough.

[Omar has put Jack and Joan in a deathtrap copied from one of Joan's own books]
Jack Colton: So how'd they get out?
Joan Wilder: What?
Jack Colton: In "The Savage Secret".
Joan Wilder: Oh. Um... Jesse had a knife hidden in his boot. You wouldn't happen to have a knife, would you?
Jack Colton: I'm not even wearing underwear.

Joan Wilder: I read about you.
Omar: Yes. I know, Time magazine. Well, I'm afraid the western press cannot understand the spirit of my vision. You are a writer. You can understand.

[Jack, Joan and the Jewel are under fire from Omar's soldiers]
Jack Colton: Okay, now let's go.
Joan Wilder: [refering to the Jewel] Wait a minute, Jack. He's coming with us.
Jack Colton: Don't start with me, Joan! I've come halfway across Africa to rescue you!
Joan Wilder: Rescue me? I was doing fine without you!
Jewel: [to Jack] Please, I am guide. I can help you.
Jack Colton: I don't need a guide! I need a miracle!

Jack Colton: Why does everything got to be your way?
Joan Wilder: My way? It wasn't my idea to take off and sail around the world with you on your boat for the last six months!
Jewel: I like this. You talk to each other like this often?
Jack Colton: [to the Jewel] Well, let me tell you what I had to put up. Three months ago, we're moored off the Canary Islands, midnight, sound asleep. A boat of three crazed Joan Wilder fans decide that they want the anchor of the Angeline for a souvenir! We were drifting for days!
Joan Wilder: Well, do you remember the incident at Gibraltar, Jack?
Jack Colton: Oh, come on. Not that again.
Joan Wilder: He has to meet me at the governor's mansion for a formal dinner, and you show up with the entire Italian National League Basketball team!
Jack Colton: Hey, they were hungry.

Joan Wilder: If you don't tell me what the hell is going on around here, I am going to be on the first plane back to New York!
Omar: It's impossible. Tomorrow we journey to Kadhir where the following night I will proclaim myself Emperor of the Nile. You must be there with me. It will be your most important chapter.
Joan Wilder: I can't write this book if you keep secrets from me.
Omar: What secrets?
Joan Wilder: Al Jewelhala.
[Omar suddenly flinches and faces Joan]
Omar: [alarmed tone] Where did you hear that?
Joan Wilder: Never mind. What is the Jewel?
Omar: [resumes speaking in a pleasant tone] The Jewel is a legend. I am real. Do not be distracted from your mission, Joan Wilder. Relax. Make yourself comfortable. You stay here with me until our book is done.
Joan Wilder: [incredulous] What? You have no right to keep me here against my will!
Omar: Then go. You're free to leave. Should you leave, I will not stop you... but I will not provide transportation to any airport, train station or port for you. Besides, only the worst kind of fool will attempt to cross our desert alone.