Chevy Chase credited as playing...
Clark Griswold
- Clark Griswold: There's Buckingham Palace, kids. That's where the Queen lives and works.
- Audrey Griswold: Works? What does she do, Dad?
- Clark Griswold: She queens... and vacuums.
- [in Germany, Clark peers down at a village in the hills and tears come to his eyes]
- Clark Griswold: There it is, kids. My motherland.
- Rusty Griswold: Dad, Grandma's from Chicago.
- Clark Griswold: Shut up, Russ.
- [In England]
- Ellen Griswold: Clark, you're driving on the wrong side of the road!
- Clark Griswold: I realize that honey. I'm also on the wrong side of the car.
- Kent Winkdale, host of 'Pig in a Poke': What are the pyramidal tracks?
- Clark Griswold: [thinking] ... Kent, I believe the pyramidal tracks are housing development outside of Cairo.
- Stewardess: Do you want something to drink?
- Clark Griswold: [to Ellen] Honey, you want something?
- Ellen Griswold: No thank you.
- Clark Griswold: [to the Stewardess] I'll have a Coke.
- Stewardess: Do you want that in the can?
- Clark Griswold: [Clark turns and looks at the bathroom, then turns back at the Stewardess] No, I'll have it right here.
- Rusty Griswold: [watching the romantic couple make out at the table] Dad he's grabbing her tits right there at the table!
- Clark Griswold: Just eat your breakfast, Russ.
- Rusty Griswold: [Rusty still watching the couple] ... Dad, I think he's gonna pork her.
- Clark Griswold: He's not gonna pork her, Russ.
- Rusty Griswold: I think he's gonna.
- Clark Griswold: He may pork her, finish your breakfast.
- Clark Griswold: [in Clark's dream, in the Alps, twirling and singing] The hills are alive, With the sound of Griswalds, This shit's been around for a very long time, I'm feeling so high, I just can't stand it, It's as if I've been here for at least a week...
- Clark Griswold: [Clark is driving around Lambeth Bridge Roundabout in London, England, and is unable to turn to the left] Hey look kids, there's Big Ben, and there's Parliament... again.
- [In England, Rusty sees a young man with a punk Mohawk haircut]
- Rusty Griswold: That's it! That's it! That's the way I want my haircut, Dad!
- Clark Griswold: Rusty, you don't want to look like a rooster do you?
- Rusty Griswold: Who was it that said when in Rome do as the Romans do?
- Clark Griswold: That was Rome not Paris. This is Paris and you're drunk.
- Ellen Griswold: Look back there!
- Clark Griswold: Yeah, it's just a hooker. They're all over the place.
- Ellen Griswold: Look who she's with!
- [Clark looks back, and sees that Rusty is with the hooker]
- Ellen Griswold: Clark, why don't we just forget the "Pig-in-a-Poke" itinerary, and just play it by ear, like normal people?
- Clark Griswold: Honey, we're not normal people. We're the Griswolds.
- Ellen Griswold: [In their hotel room in England, Ellen opens a door, only to find a closet, and discovering there is no bathroom] Clark, there's no bathroom.
- Clark Griswold: Of course there's a bathroom. Europeans go to the bathroom, don't they?
- [Clark opens the door to his left to find another closet with a mattress inside]
- Clark Griswold: Maybe they don't.
- Clark Griswold: Ah, Gay Paris. The City of Lights. This is the famous Left Bank, kids. Russ, I bet you can't guess what's on the other side.
- Rusty Griswold: The Bank of America.
- [Rusty and his California Girl join the rest of the family as they chase Ellen's kidnapper]
- Clark Griswold: Get in.
- Rusty Griswold: What Happened?
- Audrey Griswold: Oh, not much. Mom's been kidnapped.
- [Somewhere Germany, Clark is looking for their relatives house]
- Clark Griswold: What are we looking for?
- Audrey Griswold: Sechs, Daddy.
- Clark Griswold: That'll do, Audrey.
- Rusty Griswold: Dad, it's German for six.
- Ellen Griswold: I felt like staying in. I thought it would be really nice to be alone.
- Clark Griswold: Honey, I could never go anywhere without you.
- Clark Griswold: Uh, guten tag, my family and I are looking for sechs
- [pronounced sex]
- German Man: Schweinhund!
- [slams door]
- Clark Griswold: Alright, now, everybody, let's listen up here. Let's take a look at the map, go over our schedule here. Okay? Now, the plane is gonna fly us from Chicago to London.
- Rusty Griswold: That's Madrid, Dad.
- Clark Griswold: I think you're right, Russ. This must be one of those old medieval maps.