Tou qing ke

Now this is my kind of crap! I'm saving this one for my kids, Godfrey Ho Jnr and Ninja Master Gordon Jnr! This may or may not be a Godfrey Ho film, but when you see a guy playing pool while hanging from a ceiling, you may start to think that Godfrey isn't a person, but a state of mind.

This one involves some white guy in Hong Kong in 1944 being chased by four ninjas (who can teleport etc). The white guy has a necklace which he gives to some local lad. After a confusing sequence where we see the same guy fighting the ninja on a beach, we fast forward to 1985 where fighter Wu ng Lee is hired by a local businessman to run a bar (and we see a woman strip topless and get Wung to sign her arse, but he draws a picture instead!). Wung's boss is the descendant of the guy with the necklace, and has somehow lost both halves of it, and needs it back as the Mafia are putting the squeeze on him.

Meanwhile, in the other film footage used, some young guy called Jimmy (after a particularly violent fight in a boxing ring) gets hired by the Boss from the new footage but before he finds out what he needs to do his middle boss gets killed. Meanwhile, in the new footage, Wu's boss is being neglected by her husband and starts up an affair with Wung, resulting in a sex scene that goes on forever, mostly using gym equipment! Did I mention that the old footage is from the mid-seventies? It stands out a mile. Except somehow it doesn't as Jimmy also seems to appear on screen with Wung Lee, which is really confusing because up to then I was certain this was a cut and paste film. My brain hurts.

The insanity then gets pushed further as Jimmy's boss, Redhead (literally a Chinese guy with red hair) thinks Jimmy has half the necklace (somehow, he does) and is intending on skipping town with Redhead's missus. Cue another sex scene and various battles. Jimmy is also up against two bad guys who have their own gangs (who also double as chairs for the bad guys – you have to see it to believe it) which results in a major ninja battle that goes on forever.

Meanwhile, Wung Lee gets his lover pregnant but wants to skip town with his fiancé while his boss is trying to kill him, resulting in the accidental killing of his lover and subsequent blackmail to go to Korea (where it turns out Jimmy lives). He's blackmailed by the bosses second in command, who also gets a sex scene. Everybody also forgets that a pregnant lady was killed about five minutes after it happens. That's life I guess.

Man, this is never ending! Except it does end rather abruptly after a few more fights, the worst speedboat chase ever, Redhead graphically getting his stomach blown out, and various other double crosses.

City Ninja, also maybe known as Ninja Holocaust, is one highly enjoyable pile of steaming crap. I can't believe I've written so much about the plot when most of the film involves battles and sex scenes. There's so much carnage and nudity in this film it's hard to complain about it, even though, you know, it's awful.

Highly recommended garbage!! Awful. Awfully good that is, in an awful way.

Casanova Wong stars in this gem and he lets his fists and feet (mostly feet) do the talking The fight scenes are packed with great choreography and frenetic energy. He has a great one on one with a boxer, a fight in a pool hall, sparking garage brawl, and an extended battle against ninjas and Chan Wai- Man. Casanova's Kicks are absolutely superb. The movie has a little twist at the end. The movie is let down by its frequent nudity but the back and forthness of scenes from Casanova Wong to Chan Wai- Man gives the film a flow and pattern to connect it all. Highly recommended.

Two martial arts experts are hired by gangsters to retrieve a precious item that they covet. Namely, a valuable necklace which has been split into two parts but which will reveal a Swiss Bank Account number when brought together. Different people have the different parts and with two separate teams in pursuit, needless to say, this leads to quite a lot of incident.

City Ninja is an example of the kind of low budget action movies being churned out in Hong Kong by the mid 80's. Its cheapness means this is pretty basic stuff in a lot of ways. As is mostly the way with these types of movies, the story-line is strictly by-the-numbers stuff which only really is there as a means of getting from A to B with as much martial arts action as is possible. As such, it's not especially distinctive or memorable from others in its category but will no doubt satisfy fans of this sub-genre nevertheless. I personally thought it was marginally better than average for this type of flick. The fighting scenes were pretty well executed and fairly convincing, while the odd downbeat ending appealed to me on account of its unpredictable strangeness.

Well first things first – the IMDb cast listing for this film is actually erroneous. The said listing in fact ostensibly refers to Godfrey Ho's Ninja Thunderbolt which was released the same year.

That aside and onto the film in question and - Jesus H Christ! – Where do I even begin with this one?!

OK….let me try and shed some light on matters….. As best as I could discern, the 'plot' involved a number of somewhat shady characters' search for a missing necklace that apparently had etched into it, the number to a Swiss bank account. Sounds simple enough? Well maybe on paper it might, but not on screen I can assure you!

Containing enough sub plots to fill an average soap opera for a whole year, a veritable plethora of fight scenes (very well choreographed I might add) that break out at any given opportunity for no apparent reason whatsoever (!), a healthy dose of gratuitous nudity and sex (including one scene in which a couple are having intercourse in a boxing ring followed by on a rowing machine!) and a whole slew of characters who come and go without seeming explanation and you have one hell of a head scratching affair on your hands!

But let's be honest – all this is such bloody hilarious fun!

The film literally races along, not giving you time to take a breath from one energetic fight scene to another (or allowing you sufficient time to contemplate what the hell is in fact going on!) and when it eventually reaches it's abrupt ending you'll be left completely dumbfounded as to what in hell you've just sat through. Suffice to say, you won't really care as you'll be too busy nursing your stomach from laughing so hard throughout!

Yes, it is indeed my honour to hereby award Ninja Holocaust the lofty status of a true bad movie classic! Tremendous fun from start to finish and I'm still none the wiser for what I've just sat through!

This is a racy (in more ways than one) and somewhat entertaining martial arts film that contains decent to good action and an unusually large fill of nudity.

The plot is centered around one wealthy boss-man, David Lo, who is trying desperately to retrieve two halves of a precious necklace formerly belonging to his father before Red Head (who's villainous persona is just as lacking as the amount of thought that went into the creation of his name) and his thugs get the two pieces, and ultimately, the Swiss bank account number engraved into them, for themselves. Wan Lee, a boxing champion and some guy played by Casanova Wong are approached and used by each side over the course of this struggle and end up duking it out in the end. It's really not quite clear who the real good guy is but I personally didn't find this to be a problem. The ending was kind of odd and not as conclusive as it could've and should've been.

Wong delivers some fancy whirling maneuvers but overall the fight choreography is just passable. The action does become a bit more exciting at the end however.

There is plenty of silliness to be found in the excessive slow-motion climaxes that conclude some of the fight/death scenes, and naturally, in the dubbing, which contains great lines like "Hey! You haven't seen nothing yet! Now you're gonna see something!"

And speaking of "seeing something," there are many things to see in this movie; things of the womanly, soft, and supple variety. That is to say, that this is one "ninja" movie that is replete with T&A. It manages to not only titillate at times but also to add to the comedic value of the film, with the first sex scene in particular providing more "haha"s than "ooh"s and "ah"s.

One last thing I'd like to point out is just how unaptly titled this movie is. There are no more than two fight scenes involving ninjas and neither are anything special. As if that's not enough, these ninja fight scenes take place out in the country side, not in the city. Furthermore, our two . . . martially skilled protagonists do not employ any ninpo techniques at all, but I digress.

All things considered, if you dig poorly made kung-fu/ninja films, for the fights and their overall intrinsic goofiness, then this one's bound to entertain you for 80-90 minutes.