Death of a Ninja

Okay, it's not really a classic. In fact, few people have probably even heard of this movie. And that's probably a good thing. This movie is odd. Really odd and bad. It has so many weird plot twists (two girls, one a virgin ninja, the other a concubine, are beheaded, and their heads are reattached but switched to different bodies) and visual effects (ninjas that vomit great streams of acid, the big fat naked concubine getting it on with the blind, scarred devil monk) that a mere plot summary cannot do the movie justice. That and I'm lazy. So, go rooting around in your local mom'n pop video store's bargain bin (I got my copy from a friend who bought it at Phar-Mor when they were having a big everything must go sale), look for Ninja Wars, watch it, and be amazed.

Watch this movie and every time someone says "what's that?!", drink a shot of [insert your favorite hard liquor here]. You will be REALLY drunk before the movie ends. You will NEED to be really drunk to make it to the end.

The dialogue scenes in this film are so leadenly directed that it will have you screaming at the TV, "Will somebody PLEASE take less than five whole seconds to respond to someone else's line of dialogue?!" This is clearly not just a matter of bad dubbing (which, granted, in this film it is utterly atrocious), but because the director seems to think that he's Ozu or Kurosawa, forgetting that he's making a ninja movie with Sonny Chiba and Henry Sanada.

Not to sneer at Chiba or Sanada. (I adore the 'Streetfighter' series and have watched nearly all of Sonny's other films.) Nor, for that matter, ninja movies. This is a BADLY MADE ninja movie - and there's the distinction.

Oh, sure, at times the utter goofiness of some of the situation is good for more than a few laughs (acid-spewing 'devil monk'; head-switching virgin/courtesan twin sisters; spider tea kettle), but the plot is awfully convoluted (again, I'd be more than willing to allow that the godawful dubbing has likely obscured any subtleties or nuance) and bewteen the action scenes, when every other line of dialogue seems to be someone responding in amazement "what's that?!" (are you people deaf or something? clean the wax outta your ears!), you keep praying that very soon someone will again be decapitated.

And what's up with that ending? The lovers are whisked off...well, I don't want to spoil it for anyone brave enough to watch this thing, but trust me when I say that at the end of this one you'll either be scratching your head in utter befuddlement or jumping up and down, insanely babbling, "What's that?! What's that?! What's that..?!". Or you'll be passed out from too many shots of [insert favorite hard liquor].

Ok, this movie rules. The dubbing is great and the story is hilarious. The gratuitous use of blood and decapitated bodies is so funny the gore is lost. Besides, what's better than a good vs. evil story involving a spider tea kettle filled with a magic aphrodesiac, and insane emperor and an evil ninja spirit with one of the best laughs I've ever heard. If you can someway find this movie, check it out.

When I found a copy of this movie at my local thrift store, I plunked down my dollar to buy it, figuring at the very least I would be getting some good ninja action. But the movie is anything but. If you are looking for a classic ninja portrayal, look elsewhere - there are only a few (very) short appearances of the men in black. They don't get to do much action, and for that matter, neither do the rest of the cast. The action, the few times that it comes, is very short and not the least bit spectacular. That's bad enough, but what's worse is that the drama portion of the movie is next to incomprehensible, and isn't able to win the sympathy of the audience for any of the characters. There are a few unintended laughs, and I will admit some of the production values are not bad, but otherwise this is one sorry "ninja" movie. You'd get a lot more enjoyment from a typical Godfrey Ho ninja movie than from this movie.

Wicked mystic Kashin (Mikio Narita) prophesises that the evil Lord Danjo will become ruler if he marries beautiful Lady Ukyo (stunning Noriko Watanabe); with the help of five powerful wizards, Danjo cooks up a love potion that will guarantee his future as Shogun, but makes an enemy of noble ninja Jotaro (Hiroyuki Sanada) in the process.

My copy of The Ninja Wars came as part of a cheap four film Sonny Chiba box set, but Japanese action legend Chiba barely shows his face in this one; not to worry, mind, because the film is still a great way to pass the time, just so long as a sane narrative isn't your primary concern (and I'm guessing it's not, seeing as the film has the word 'ninja' in the title).

The typically bonkers plot throws everything at the audience from supernatural head swapping to an acid-barfing devil wizard to a love potion made from the tears of a virgin; there's also a fair bit of outrageous gore and female nudity (even chubby chasers are catered for), all of which makes the film good for a laugh. However, The Ninja Wars distinguishes itself from many similarly crazy ninja efforts by also being a beautifully crafted piece of cinema.

Director Kôsei Saitôhe doesn't let the fact that his film is madder than a box of frogs prevent him from going all out with the visuals, every frame a work of art: the camera placement, set design, lighting and cinematography are stunning to behold from start to finish, a sword fight that takes place in and around a burning temple being the aesthetic highlight. Even the visual effects are superb.

Towards the end of the film, the plot gradually falls apart, with too much confusion regarding people's identities (a problem that often arises from head swapping), plus a truly deranged finale that supposedly sees love conquering all—by having the two protagonists roast to a crisp on a sacrificial cross while they passionately embrace (I don't know about you, but barbecued lovers isn't my idea of a happy outcome). Muddled ending aside, though, this is pretty damn good.