Chevy Chase: Emmett Fitz-Hume

Spies Like Us

Emmett Fitz-Hume

Russian Interregator #2: Every minute you don't tell us why you are here, I cut off a finger.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Mine or yours?
Russian Interregator #2: Yours.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Damn!

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Are there any Paraguayans here?
[subtle laugh]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Well, of course, their requests for subsidies was not Paraguayan in and of it is as it were the United States government would never have if the president, our president, had not and as far as I know that's the way it will always be. Is that clear?

Austin Millbarge: They do seem to be headed in that general direction. Maybe your dick's not so dumb.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: It got me through high school.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Oh. Uh, will you hold my wallet for me while I take the test, please? There's a thousand dollars in there... or maybe there isn't. Know what I mean?
Test Monitor: Are you saying I can take this money if I help you pass the test?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What do you think?

Austin Millbarge: I gotta take a leak. You should go too.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What are you my mother? Don't you think I'm capable of determining my own time to go to the bathroom?
Austin Millbarge: So, isn't now one of those times?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No.
Austin Millbarge: You mean you don't feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of your bladder, now, right at this moment?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No, I'm fine!
Austin Millbarge: Well... wouldn't you feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up immediately, now?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: I gotta take a whiz?
Austin Millbarge: [Nods triumphantly]

Emmett Fitz-Hume: I'm sorry I'm late, I had to attend the reading of a will. I had to stay till the very end, and I found out I received nothing... broke my arm.

Austin Millbarge: They're saying it'll be 28 minutes before the rocket detonates above it's target, somewhere inside the continental United States. Let's see, 28 minutes, that's 18 until it's inside the US radar cup, figure 2 for our response, say 20 until total commitment, I figure, 20-22 until the first impact of our retaliatory strike. I figure we have 42 minutes until the end of civilization as we know it.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [to Karen] You a - want to go out with a bang?
Karen Boyer: I beg your pardon?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: It was just an idea.
Karen Boyer: You know, if we were sitting in a bar, I'd throw a drink right in your face. But, under the circumstances, its not such a bad idea.

Austin Millbarge: [Listening to faint music] It's... "Soul Finger" by the Bar Kays
Emmett Fitz-Hume: They must be havin' a hard time getting gigs.

Alice, Fitz-Hume's Supervisor: You're not going to give me some bullshit that you're dying, are you?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No... not now.

Russian Interregator #1: Why are you here?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Why am I here? Why are you here? Why is anybody here? I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said... how do you spell spell Sartre?
[soldier slaps him]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Owww... and let that be a lesson to you.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Why are you still hitting me? He's going to cut my fingers off!
Russian Interregator #2: You have 30 seconds.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: You're not going to start humming the theme to Jeopardy are you?

Austin Millbarge: These are the Yusufzai. They're Afghani freedom fighters! They're our allies!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Oh! We're Americans!