She

This is exactly what bad movies are supposed to be: a magnificent accident; bizarre; terrible dialog; insipid acting; but most importantly, uncontrived. Not like that Troma crap. Troma wishes its movies were bad, but all I see are contrivances: people who try to pawn off badly made bad movies as something special, like She. She is everything you want and more. Badly executed scenes for even more badly conceived plot points. Terrible costuming including spiked football helmets intended to look "post- apocalyptic". Male sexual fantasies enacted on screen, masquerading as female empowerment. But through all of it, an effortless "badness" that leaves one questioning, simply, "how?". How did this make it to film? How did it actually get made, and who actually looked at the final cut and said 'yep, it's just like I imagined it. Trust me, this is a golden turd. It's the reason we bother to watch terrible movies.

Supposedly based on the same popular sci-fi novel by H. Rider Haggard which was made into a film in 1935 and 1965 (the latter starring Ursula Andress), but, according to those in the know, it has nothing to do with it (despite claiming otherwise). This is a batcrap crazy post-apocalyptic sci-fi starring Sandahl Bergman (Conan the Barbarian, Red Sonja, Hell Comes to Frogtown). I frequently joked during the movie that there was absolutely no plan as to where this movie was going. They were just making it up as they were going on. The actors would raid the costume and props departments and just come back with whatever weird stuff they could find. There's no other way to explain a giant, bearded man wearing a tutu and a gas mask. The (rather confusing) plot begins with two men (David Goss and Harrison Muller, Jr.) losing their sister to a group of crazy-looking men. They hear that the local goddess She (Bergman) knows where they're taking her, so they considerately kidnap her and make her lead them to their sister. Apparently each small settlement has their own god or goddess, a few of which we'll meet along the way. Accompanied by one of She's chief warriors (Quin Kessler), they make their way across the post-apocalyptic landscape and run into all sorts of zany tribes. One has a god named Godan who has telekinetic powers. The most memorable sequence in the film has an annoying Robin Williams impersonator named Xenon (David Traylor, who is a stand-up comedian who goes by the stage name David Zed) who, when you cut him into pieces, starfish-like, regenerates into multiple Xenons. Don't get me wrong, this movie is pretty terrible. But it plays out like a drug trip, and you'll definitely remember it. I'm really surprised I hadn't heard of it beforehand.

Mix together sword-and-sorcery and post-apocalyptic elements, add a dose of political allegory (note the Communist and Nazi symbols), a contemporary music score and some surreal moments that seem to have come straight out of Monty Python (a bridge guard who multiplies every time you chop off one of his limbs) and you have this bizarre film that is neither a straight adventure nor exactly a spoof. It suffers from an overly episodic structure, but it benefits from Sandahl Bergman and Quin Kessler as the two muscular, beautiful Amazon warriors who are as proficient with a sword as with any other weapon. Both actresses are perfectly cast and do their roles justice, capturing the right "always-ready-for-a-fight" mentality. How anyone can give this film a "1" when there are, at the very least, these two amazing women to look at is beyond me! (**)

If Monty Python threw together a Road Warrior spoof after a 3 day binge using a paint sprayer weilded by a rhesus monkey as their key script writing tool...

Nah, not quite fair. As many other reviewers have said, this movie manages to be class A cheese. It manages to be sufficiently entertaining to not deserve shredding by Mystery Science Theater 3000 - one needs to hear the incredibly ridiculous dialog without interference!

There is a pretty reasonable supply of eye candy headed up by Sandahl Bergman and her trusty Amazon lieutenant, who also seem to be the only people with any fencing training. Most sword fights involving men are basically aimless waving of cheesy looking weapons.

But the true charm of this effort is the degree of "OMG how can they POSSIBLY top the sheer ludicrousness of THIS bad guy encounter with the next one?" The writers consistently fail to disappoint!

The ending did kind of tick me off - something is left unresolved in direct violation of a prediction from an oracle type near the beginning.

And the landscapes totally violate the Law of Post Apocalyptic Uninhibitable Desert - everything is either small cities or dense forest, a couple of decades after a mutation inducing nuclear holocaust!

Oh - Ms. Bergman's so-so acting in Schwarzenegger vehicles was orders of magnitude better than her sleepwalking through this role

But let such quibbles go. Acceptable outrageously awful mindless fun!

I can sit through some pretty cheesy flicks, and I like Sandahl Bergman, but this movie is one of the most horrendous pieces of garbage I've ever been exposed to. I have apparently blocked most of the movie out of my mind, in order to save myself from ever having to remember the worst parts. But I do remember my reaction, which was, "Oh ... my ... gawd. I had no idea that anything could be so bad."

Ranks right down there on my "Avoid At Any Costs" movie list, alongside "Little Voice" and "Cattle Annie & Little Britches." Run, do not walk, far away from this film. In fact, run away screaming.