Elizabeth Perkins credited as playing...
Joan
- [Joan reads a story at Kindergarten]
- Joan: 'And then an angel of the Lord, descended upon the Virgin Mary'
- Kid #1: What's a virgin?
- Joan: Eh? A virgin is someone who has never had sex.
- Kid #2: What's sex?
- Joan: Um, Sex - uh, sex is how men and women make babies.
- Kid #3: Are you a virgin?
- Joan: No.
- Kid #3: So, you have a baby?
- Joan: Eh, no. Men and women who don't want babies also have sex.
- Kid #3: What for?
- Joan: For about 10 or 15 minutes. 'And then an angel of the Lord... '
- Joan: So, did you have a nice evening?
- Debbie: Yes. And I crawled away in shame.
- Joan: Oh, aren't we a couple of sluts?
- [Both giggle]
- Debbie: I can't believe I slept with him on the first date!
- Joan: It wasn't even a date, Deb.
- Debbie: [rolls eyes] Thank you.
- [pauses]
- Debbie: I tell you, though. I couldn't help myself, because he is *so* gorgeous.
- Joan: But can he type?
- Joan: Tomorrow you know, they're going to come at me like marauding beasts bent on destruction.
- Debbie: Stop it.
- Joan: Deborah, you work in advertising... a civilized business. I on the other hand work with monsters.
- Debbie: You're talking about 5 year olds!
- Joan: Right! and my job is to break their spirit. That is what kindergarten is all about. The Germans invented it, think about it.
- Joan: Oh god, Pat's going in for the kill. Oh my! That was a nice turn.
- Debbie: With just a hint of giddiness.
- Joan: Her big move should be coming up any moment. The combination hair flip with a giggle.
- Debbie: There is a 3.2 level of difficulty here. Joan let's see if she can pull it off.
- Joan: This is it... this is it... Oh Yes!
- Debbie: Oh Yes! Yes! Oh Bravo! Bravo! 9.0!
- Joan: Look, if he forgets to call one day, no big deal; two days, it's an oversight. Honey, he hasn't called you in three days; he's sleeping with somebody else.
- Joan: I've been meaning to mention that it's really stupid to fuck your boss. I mean, for starters, it's a damn good way to lose your job.
- Joan: So, let me tell you about Gary. He's tall. He's nice to me. He's intelligent. And he doesn't make me sleep in the wet spot.
- Man in Joan's Apartment: [emerging from bedroom half-dressed] What's breakfast?
- Joan: Egg McMuffin. Corner of Broadway and Belmont.
- Joan: Give me a gin and tonic.
- Mother Malone: Last call was ten minutes ago...
- Joan: Give me a gin and tonic or I will kill you.
- Mother Malone: Just one.
- Joan: When you called, was he home?
- Debbie: No, but that's okay. It's sandwich night anyway.
- Joan: Sandwich night?
- Debbie: Well, yeah. Two nights a week I cook. Two nights a week he cooks. Two nights we go out. And then there's sandwich night.
- Joan: You know, I bet your sex life is a real thrill. Two nights a week you're on top. Two nights a week he's on top. So what is it you do on sandwich night?