John Candy credited as playing...
Frank Dooley
- Bruno: [19:15] Pay attention fatboy! It's canine control. You got it?
- Frank Dooley: Daaahhh, I think so.
- Bruno: Don't be a smart ass Dooley!
- [Norman wants to question the union officials about "mandatory" contributions]
- Frank Dooley: [27:02] Forget legitimate, all right? Take a look up there; I bet you fifty bucks any one of those guys could tell you where Jimmy Hoffa is buried!
- Frank Dooley: [1:16:00]
- [panting]
- Frank Dooley: Listen... I'm only gonna say this once. I'm a special officer. You have to get me to the corner of 83rd and Aviation in 10 minutes... otherwise, two wonderful people that I know are gonna die.
- The Cowboy: Well, climb on in here, Slim.
- Frank Dooley: [enters the truck's cab] Whew! Thank you.
- The Cowboy: Well, let's just see how fast this son-of-a-bitch'll go!
- [the psycho Cowboy truck driver starts up the tanker truck and suddenly begins slaming into all the parked cars in the traffic jam!]
- The Cowboy: Hold on tight to your saddle horn, son!
- The Cowboy: [1:18:10] Slim, I ain't never seen a handgun that big before.
- Frank Dooley: Yeah, it's a 50 caliber. They used to use it to hunt buffalo with... up close! It's only legal in two states. And this isn't one of them.
- The Cowboy: You're somthin' else, Slim.
- [Frank and Norman exit the porno bookstore disguised as a transvestite and leather man respectively when they run into the bad cops looking for them; Frank and Norman freeze]
- Sergeant Rizzo: [1:02:20] What are you looking at, you schmuck?
- [Frank and Norman sigh with relief that Rizzo does not recognize them and quickly get into their characters]
- Frank Dooley: [mimicking 'Divine'] Oh, isn't he cute? And look that these muscles.
- Sergeant Rizzo: Get your hands off of me!
- [Flashes his badge]
- Sergeant Rizzo: Who do you think you're talking to? I'm a police officer!
- Norman Kane: [falsetto voice] Oh, he gets so frisky every time he sees a badge.
- Mel Nedler: Hey!
- Norman Kane: Hello!
- Frank Dooley: [to Rizzo] What are you doing later on tonight?
- Sergeant Rizzo: Take a walk, you jerk!
- Norman Kane: [to Frank] Let's trot.
- Frank Dooley: Why can't you look this good?
- Norman Kane: Mother Nature wasn't kind to some of us.
- Mel Nedler: [shoves Frank and Norman] Come on. Move it!
- Frank Dooley: Ooh, he touched me! I got my Christmas goose early!
- Police Captain: [1:22:51] Dooley, you are a disgrace to this or any other uniform, you know that? So I guess we're going to have to put you in plain clothes when we bring you back.
- Frank Dooley: You mean that, I'm back? Would that involve a raise or a promotion?
- Police Captain: Not a chance.
- Frank Dooley: Now, they're planning to hit this armored truck between here and Riverside. But we're gonna nail them first, right here at Seventh and Elm. Now, this where you come into it, Maggie. You arrange that Norm is driving that truck. That way he can lead Carlino's men to our rendezvous point where I will be waiting to catch them in the act.
- Norman Kane: I'm driving the truck?
- Frank Dooley: Yes, did I forget to mention that?
- Norman Kane: Yes, you did forget to mention that! I'm driving that truck? Sorry, but it sounds a little flaky now. This whole plan sounds dangerous. What if you're not there, Frank? Do you have a backup plan?
- Frank Dooley: There's no backup plan, buddy boy. This is it. I'll be there! You see the point is this, there's good guys and there's bad guys. There's right and there's wrong. And there comes a time in every man's life where he's got to take a stand. And this time is now!
- Norman Kane: You're right. I agree. You're right.
- Maggie Cavanaugh: Well, count me in.
- Frank Dooley: Thanks, Maggie.
- [Frank and Norman arrive at a toxic waste dumpsite]
- Norman Kane: [outraged] Yesterday, garbage. Today, this!
- Frank Dooley: Oh, why don't you quit complaining? Let's just go to work.
- Norman Kane: Yeah, no. Just-just forget it, okay? Because I'll tell you something, I've had it. I can't take it anymore. I'm quitting!
- Frank Dooley: Oh, don't be such a wussy. Toughen up, will you? A little toxic waste isn't gonna kill you.
- Norman Kane: Yeah, it just so happens I'd like to father a child one day. I'd like that child to look, uh, human, you know?
- Frank Dooley: Oh, mutations can't be that bad. Maybe the kid will have a third arm or something. You can put 'em in a sideshow.
- Norman Kane: [obnoxious] Glad you're taking this serious, Frank.
- Frank Dooley: All right.
- [the trailer door opens as two burned-out guards, felled with toxic sickness, exits outside]
- Frank Dooley: Hi, guys. How's it going?
- 1st Toxic Guard: [showing his badly deformed mouth] Lost two more teeth today.
- Frank Dooley: Geez, you guys look terrible. How long you been working here?
- 2nd Toxic Guard: Every day for the last three weeks.
- [Frank and Norman cover their mouths and noses as the two guards are coughing]
- Norman Kane: Well, why don't fellas put in for another assignment?
- 1st Toxic Guard: We did! They keep sending us back here.
- Norman Kane: Why?
- 2nd Toxic Guard: I don't know.
- [Kane and Dooley back away]
- 2nd Toxic Guard: I mean, we used to be on warehouse duty. That was great, was it? Warehouse duty. Then one night, the place got robbed and... O'Connell, he got all mad at us for no reason. We-we weren't even there. And Bruno, he told us to take a break and the-and the place got robbed while we were gone!
- Frank Dooley: Bruno, the, uh, big Bruno?
- 2nd Toxic Guard: [the two toxic guards nods] It's not fair. We're quitting.
- Frank Dooley: Oh, yeah.
- 1st Toxic Guard: [the two starts leaving] Don't eat or drink anything while you're here, guys.
- Norman Kane: [muffled] No, no.
- 2nd Toxic Guard: Take lots of...
- Frank Dooley: Yeah.
- 2nd Toxic Guard: Showers.
- Frank Dooley: Thanks for the tip. Guys, take care of yourselves.
- Norman Kane: I'll tell you something. I'm not gonna end up looking like that.
- Frank Dooley: Don't worry, you won't, 'cause we're gonna find out what going on around here, partner.
- [after being reprimanded by Capt. O'Connell, Frank Dooley and Norman Kane storm out of his office in anger]
- Maggie Cavanaugh: Dooley! Kane! What did he say? Are you in trouble?
- Norman Kane: No, no. He let us off with a fine, and some very bad breath.
- Frank Dooley: [furious] We bust our asses for $4.60 an hour...
- [screams]
- Frank Dooley: and he treats us like criminals!
- Norman Kane: I'm gonna complain to the union. That's what I'm gonna do, because it's not fair.
- Frank Dooley: [screams again] THAT MAN IS A JERK!
- Norman Kane: He a sub-human, moronic... poop-head!
- Maggie Cavanaugh: He's my father.
- [Frank chuckles]
- Norman Kane: Well, I'm... sure he has his good points.
- Frank Dooley: Oh, sure he does. He's salt of the earth.
- Norman Kane: Qualities of a saint at times.
- Maggie Cavanaugh: [enters Capt. O'Connell's office] See you around.
- Frank Dooley: Okay.
- Norman Kane: [feeling humiliated; to Frank] Thank you very much. Now she hates me. Thank you.
- Frank Dooley: Well, you were the one who called him a poop-head.
- Norman Kane: I don't want to discuss it.
- Frank Dooley: Is that what you say when you get angry? It that the best you can come up with is "poop-head"?
- [Frank and Norman are assigned to a landfill]
- Norman Kane: So what are telling me, Frank? That they put us here because I spoke up at the union meeting?
- Frank Dooley: Well if I were you, I wouldn't open any unusual pieces of mail in the next few weeks.
- Norman Kane: Oh, you're paranoid! The truth is, this is just an unpleasant job. Not that I'm complaining, but I'll tell you what I find particularly difficult to believe: we're actually guarding garbage.
- Frank Dooley: Yeah, just keep your eyes open for that international ring of garbage thieves.