Matthew Broderick credited as playing...
Ferris Bueller
- Ferris: Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
- Ed Rooney: Ed Rooney.
- Cameron: [disguising voice as George Peterson] Ed. This is George Peterson.
- Ed Rooney: How are you today, sir?
- Cameron: [voice disguised] Well, we've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard.
- Ed Rooney: Yeah I heard, and man, I'm all broken up, boy, what a blow.
- Cameron: [disguised] Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, it's been a tough morning and we got a lot of family business to take care of, so if you wouldn't mind excusing Sloane, I'd appreciate it.
- Ed Rooney: Uh, yeah, sure, no I'd be happy to, yeah you, uh, you you just produce a corpse, and uh, I'll release Sloane. I wanna see this dead grandmother first hand.
- Grace: Ed?
- Ed Rooney: It's alright, Grace, it's Ferris Bueller the little twerp. I'm gonna set a trap and let him fall right in it.
- Grace: Ooh!
- Cameron: [disguised] I'm sorry, Ed, did you say you wanted to see a body?
- Ed Rooney: Yeah, that's right, just, uh, roll her old bones on over here, and I'll dig up your daughter. You know that's school policy.
- Cameron: [disguised] Oh.
- Ed Rooney: Was this your mother?
- Cameron: [disguised] Uh, no my wife's mother.
- Grace: [picks up ringing phone] Ed Rooney's office.
- Ferris: Hi this is Ferris Bueller, can I speak to Mr. Rooney please? Thank you.
- Grace: [caught off-guard] Uh... hold.
- Ed Rooney: Tell ya what, dipshit. If you don't like my policies you can come on down here and smooch my big ole' white butt.
- Grace: ED!
- Ed Rooney: Pucker up butter-cup.
- [to Grace]
- Ed Rooney: What?
- Grace: Ferris Bueller's on line 2.
- Ferris: Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.
- Ferris: Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond.
- Ferris: Where's your brain?
- Cameron: Why'd you kick me?
- Ferris: Where's your brain?
- Cameron: Why'd you kick me?
- Ferris: Where's your brain?
- Cameron: I asked you first.
- Ferris: How can we pick up Sloane if Rooney is there with her?
- Cameron: I said for her to be there alone and you freaked.
- Ferris: Now, I didn't hit you. I lightly slapped you.
- Cameron: You hit me. Look don't make me participate in your stupid crap if you don't like the way I do it. You make me get out of bed, you make me come over here. You make me make a phony phone call to Edward Rooney? The man could squash my nuts into oblivion. And-and-and then, and then, you deliberately hurt my feelings.
- Ferris: Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people.
- Ferris: [his recorded message for the doorbell] Who is it?
- [pause]
- Ferris: Oh, I'm sorry. I can't come to the door right now. I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absences. You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being. Have a nice day!
- Ferris: The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom; I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but, uh... you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor's office. That's worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.
- Ferris: I do have a test today, that wasn't bullshit. It's on European socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So who gives a crap if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists, it still doesn't change the fact that I don't own a car.
- [sings into shower head a verse from Wayne Newton's "Danke Schoen"]
- Ferris: I recall Central Park in Fall, how you tore your dress, what a mess, I confess...
- Ferris: [describing Cameron's house] The place is like a museum. It's very beautiful and very cold, and you're not allowed to touch anything.