Never Too Young to Die

Maybe, unlike the title, I'm getting too old, but dang it...this was fun.

Oh, this is bad, terribly bad, but in a good way. The ole: So bad, it's good. Well, thanks, How Did This Get Made? I listened to their podcast review of this bad flick first, and then watched the movie. And now, I have to go back and listen to it all over again. And why? They were spot on with their enjoyment of this crazily stupid movie.

And yes, I'll be spending 270 minutes on this film. (90 minutes for the podcast, 90 for the actual film and another 90 re-listening to said podcast.) And I'm not ashamed to admit it.

The plot revolves around a non-gymkata gymnast whose dad is absent for most of his tournaments and it turns out, Daddy's a spy! Well, when Father's out of the picture, it's up to Junior and Vanity to take on Rocky Horror so the Batman won't Begin.

Is this for everyone? Absolutely not. It's for people who both appreciate cinema and at the same time, need some cheese with their wine.

***

Final thoughts: With these bad movies, I generally find them for free on YouTube. I did not in this case, so I simply checked my Amazon Prime account and BAM! there it was. For free. Well with my account, that is. So, I had to see it. And it was so deliciously Bmovie, I have to recommend it.

This has to be seen to be believed. John Stamos plays college gymnast Lance Stargrove whose father is a super spy that still finds time to send him care packages. When Dad is killed by hermaphrodite Velvet Von Ragnar (Gene Simmons), Stargrove teams with sexy spy Danja Deering (Vanity) to get revenge. Oh yeah, Simmons wants to poison the water supply with radioactive waste or something.

Stamos brings perfect hair to his role, which is the most important thing. There are lots of scenes of him doing gymnastics. Perhaps the director was a fan of '80s classic Gymkata. He also rides a dirt bike because in the '80s dirt bikes were cool. One of the many highlights of the movie is when Stamos is being beaten up by two of Simmons' thugs. He is crying like a little baby but then he sees a picture of his dad. Suddenly he's like Popeye on a spinach high and he kicks the crap out of the bad guys ("The name's not scumbag, it's Stargrove! Lance Stargrove!").

Vanity is a stone fox, as usual. She also has a nude scene, as usual. Her seduction of John Stamos I will mock publicly but privately I thought it was hot! Gene Simmons is gross to look at dressed in drag but a hoot hamming it up as the super villain. Seeing him flirt with Stamos is priceless. He also likes to use his middle finger for...well, I won't spoil it. There's an Asian inventor friend of Stamos' who, at one point in the film, wears an outfit that is practically every color known to man. George Lazenby plays the spy dad. I'm sure some casting director beamed from ear to ear over that ingenious casting. He dresses like a Ghost Buster and uses a bulletproof umbrella as a shield. In a scene that I'm certain was the actor breaking the fourth wall, Lazenby says to Simmons "Oh come on, this is stupid."

The movie is filled with laughably cheesy music. The song that plays during Stamos' first scene keeps repeating his character's name "Stargrove" over and over. Simmons gets to sing during his club routine ("Yeeeah!"). There's also a rather cheesetastic tune that plays leading up to Stamos taking Vanity to Pound Town.

This is the kind of movie you just don't see anymore. These days when they try to do trash like this, it's always so self-aware and obvious that it takes the fun out of it. Truly "so-bad-it's-good" flicks don't try to be bad on purpose. If you ever wondered what Uncle Jesse did before Full House, all your questions will be answered here. This movie is so awesome it will change your life. If you watch this, it will make a man out of you. So female viewers beware.

This movie is so horrifying, stultifyingly bad that it's total lack of anything that could remotely be termed "quality filmmaking" deserves some sort of Nobel Prize. (After which anyone involved in this project, down to the caterers, should be bundled up and sent to The Hague to stand trial for crimes against humanity.) It's one of those very rare projects that leaves your jaw dropped in sheer aghastness from beginning to end. They say "Plan 9 From Outer Space" was the worst movie ever made. No. I've seen "Plan 9" and this makes it look like "2001: A Space Odyssey."

Are ya feeling like breaking out? Looking for danger Feeling adventurous Then you must Put your trust Not in a stranger

Playin' your own game Do it your own way Keepin' your own sound That you found Goin' down Playin' like you play

Who knows what you'll find You might like it, or not But all that you find, boy Is all that you got

(Stargrove!) Flying like you've never flown (Stargrove!) Runnin' through a danger zone (Stargrove!) Are you gonna stand alone? Stargrove! Stargrove!

You feel like takin' The world on your shoulders You're just a Robin Hood Makin' good Where you could You're one of the soldiers

Faster than lightning Nothing can strike you You got the good stuff Tough enough Stayin' rough There's no one like you

Who knows what you'll find You might like it, or not But all that you find, boy Is all that you got

(Stargrove!) Flying like you've never flown (Stargrove!) Runnin' through a danger zone (Stargrove!) Are you gonna stand alone? Stargrove! Stargrove!

This should have been released as a single. It should have been #1 on Billboard's charts for months! Absolute perfection.

And Gene L. Simmons should have won the Oscar for best performance in '86. Absolute genius.

I haven't seen this movie in over ten years but it still sticks in my mind. Gene sticking his middle finger on Vanity's chest and maniacally shouting out, "STARGROVE!!!!" The gay dance sequences. The unrequieted love of poor Cliff for his mondo studdly friend and hero, Lance. Gene's performance of "It takes a man like me to be a woman like me" (some of the lyrics of which were so good, incidentally, that Gene recycled and used in the song 'Spit' on the album 'Revenge') This whole movie rocks. I can't believe it is out of print, and I can't believe it isn't available in digital format yet. You can't go wrong with this movie.

OK, I'm not actually through with the movie -- I'm about halfway through, and I had to tell everyone to buy it!

John Stamos' father is a secret agent, murdered by a gang of weirdos who want a disk that tells how to poison the city water supply. John inherits a farm house and discovers what his father's work was as he finds all kinds of weapons and gadgets in the farm house and is pursued by the same bad guys as his father, who also left behind a pretty partner who knows how to shoot.

There are motorcycles, kisses, and, more -- and I haven't even finished the tape!