Steve Guttenberg credited as playing...
Newton Crosby
- Newton Crosby: OK. Listen closely. There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They're out playing golf. They're deciding how much to give to charity. The priest says "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give to charity." The minister says "No, we'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle, that's what we'll give to charity." The rabbi says "No no no. We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"
- Number 5: Hmmmm. Oh, I get it! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Nyuk, nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
- Stephanie Speck: What's going on? Is he laughing?
- Newton Crosby: Yeah! Yeah! And the joke wasn't even that funny, and I think I screwed up the punchline. Ha ha ha ha!
- Number 5: "Whatever God wants, he keeps!"
- Newton Crosby: Why did you disobey your program?
- Number 5: Program say to kill, to disassemble, to make dead. Number 5 cannot.
- Newton Crosby: Why "cannot"?
- Number 5: Is *wrong*! Newton Crosby, Ph.D not know this?
- Newton Crosby: Of course I know it's wrong to kill, but who told you?
- Number 5: *I* told me.
- Newton Crosby: Where are you from, anyway?
- Ben Jabituya: Bakersfield, originally.
- Newton Crosby: No, I mean your ancestors.
- Ben Jabituya: Oh, them. Pittsburgh.
- Howard Marner: Crosby, we're going to have to ask you to surrender the robot.
- Newton Crosby: Stat?
- Howard Marner: Stat!
- Newton Crosby: What does that mean, anyway?
- Howard Marner: I don't know. But that's not the point.
- Howard Marner: Crosby, what's it gonna do?
- Newton Crosby: Howard it's hard to say, it's malfunctioning, it may not do anything.
- Skroeder: But it COULD decide to blow away anything that moves, couldn't it? COULDN'T IT CROSBY?
- Skroeder: What the hell does it need input for?
- Newton Crosby: I don't know; I guess it can't triangulate its position.
- Howard Marner: That's a simple function.
- Newton Crosby: Can you triangulate YOUR position, Howard?
- Howard Marner: No.
- Newton Crosby: Well, then - there you go!
- [about the robots]
- Newton Crosby: Originally I had non-military purposes in mind. I designed it as a marital aid.
- Newton Crosby: Are you sure you weren't doing any steering or anything like that?
- Stephanie Speck: Yeah, I like to drive off cliffs.
- Howard Marner: No, I'm sure we'll all agree that Dr Crosby has designed a weapon which will keep our world safe for all time.
- Newton Crosby: Howard, what's so safe about blowing people up?
- Skroeder: [after watching Crosby disassemble Number 5] What the hell is the matter with you, you four-eyed idiot?
- Newton Crosby: [mumbling to himself] What an asshole.
- Skroeder: [angrily] I heard that!
- Newton Crosby: Number 5, What do you make of this?
- [hands Number 5 a Rorschach blot he just made using tomato soup]
- Number 5: Hmmm... Wood pulp, plant - vegetable - tomato, water, salt, monosodium glutamate...
- Newton Crosby: [pleased with himself] Okay, thank you. Now you're talking like a robot.
- Number 5: ... and resemble - look like - butterfly, bird, maple leaf!
- [last lines]
- Number 5: Number 5 stupid name; want to be Kevin, or Dave.
- Newton Crosby: Just watch the road, okay?
- Number 5: Maybe Johnny... Yeah, Johnny 5.
- Stephanie Speck: Yes!
- Newton Crosby: Cool.
- Newton Crosby: Look, lady, all I can see is that something mechanical was screwed up and I'm gonna fix it. Okay?
- Stephanie Speck: [in exasperated sarcasm] Okay, fine! FIX it, Einstein!
- Newton Crosby: [in gentle dignity] I plan to.
- Stephanie Speck: Here's the deal: Number 5 is alive. I mean, he is *really* alive, like you and me. You see?
- Newton Crosby: I understand. They can seem quite life-like. But, they are still machines. Just like your stereo or your vacuum cleaner.
- Stephanie Speck: No. I know he's a machine. You're a machine. I'm a machine. We're alive! How it happens, who the hell knows? But, it has happened.
- Ben Jabituya: "Unable. Malfunction."
- Howard Marner: How can it refuse to turn itself off?
- Skroeder: Maybe it's pissed off.
- Newton Crosby: It's a machine, Schroeder. It doesn't get pissed off. It doesn't get happy, it doesn't get sad, it doesn't laugh at your jokes.
- Newton Crosby, Ben Jabituya: [in unison] It just runs programs.
- Howard Marner: It usually runs programs.