Catch the Heat

Yet another of those not so brilliant films about the life of a female cop. This one however, is Chinese but American raised, and she is known as something of a Kung-Fu expert (originality!). Her latest mission is to pretend to be a singer from Hong Kong called Cinderella-Poo (!) in order to infiltrate a gang of drug smugglers who hide their stash in women's breasts and pretending that they're silicon implants (!!). This bizarre plot is further complicated by the fact that one of the criminal gang has been arrested by our heroine before, and shock, horror! Her commanding officer is secretly in love with her! How will all this be resolved? Does anybody care?

Well, 'Feel The Heat' is noteworthy for one thing. It features the worse use of pigeon English I've ever heard, when Miss Poo puts on her act of being an illiterate foreigner for her undercover mission. Nobody with an IQ of more than a single digit would be fooled by this pathetic facade, but these so-called professional crooks fall for it hook, line and sinker. This isn't the only situation where suspension of disbelief is essential, as our 5'5 cop policewoman starts felling huge bad guys with just one kick, and people can run for ages despite being shot in the leg and stomach.

But of course, we can overlook all that nonsense if it was actually entertaining. Sadly, there's nothing here you haven't seen a million times before in better action movies, with budgets of more than a few thousand. The gunfire, the explosions and the martial-arts fights will just inspire a distinct feeling of deja vu which will last till the ending credits roll. I can only recommend it if you've already seen every other movie in the genre ever made. And just how likely is that?! 3/10

This is, on almost all accounts, a routine mid-to-low-budget 80's action film, mostly set in Argentina, with its weakest point probably being Rod Steiger's totally boring, sleepwalking villain. So let's talk about the female star, Tiana Alexandra:

• She is VERY good-looking

• She has a charming smile

• She fills out a wet T-shirt and a tight sweater beautifully

• She can act (going from a foul-mouthed, no-nonsense cop to her undercover role as a naive young girl)

• She can dance

• She can fight (her ingenuity in dealing with the brick wall of a man "Professor" Tanaka inside a small room is certainly memorable)

• She can pose BEFORE the fight and take the mental advantage over her opponent.

Basically, she's the only reason for someone to see this movie, and it's a shame she wasn't given a second break. If this one flopped, she should be the last person to blame. (**)

At some point in the 1980's I guess the Shoot 'em up genre was considered to be guaranteed box-office gold. That fact must have been on the minds of the producers of this horribly made 1987 action movie. Instead of gold what we have here is pure Hollywood hokum. At its best, it is an extremely dated, nonsensical, wholly unappealing movie with the flimsiest of plots. At worst, it's downright racist with the female's lead stereotyping Asian women and their 'in-abilitee to no-talk-ee good EN-grish.' Rod Steiger does nothing to help, sleepwalking through his role as a South American drug smuggler / talent scout (yes,...really). The inane "A-Team" style, rock 'em - sock 'em, kung-fu action interspersed throughout the film does nothing to salvage this sinking ship. Neither does the attempt at a love story between the male lead and his Asian co-star. Even a hot, kung-fu kicking babe can't save this rambling, boring, beast of a movie from the weight of its own lumbering storyline, painful dialogue and grindhouse acting. Don't waste your time.It would be more entertaining to go down to the local Chinese deli and spend the evening watching the clerk clean the meat slicers.

"Catch the Heat" tells the story of top narcotics cop Checkers Goldberg - no kidding, that's really what they call her, played by Tiana Alexandra. After a bust she and her partner Waldo Tarr (David Dukes) get the name of a major drug supplier, Jason Hannibal (Rod Steiger), who doubles as a talent scout. They travel to Buenos Aires to take Hannibal down as well as any other criminal scum with whom he associates. The movie, incredibly, was written by Oscar winning screenwriter Stirling Silliphant, who was married to the Saigon-born Alexandra at the time and wrote the movie basically as a vehicle for her. It has a knowingly tongue in cheek, cheesy quality about it, which may satisfy some B movie lovers, but the truth is that "Catch the Heat" doesn't offer much that people haven't seen in numerous other B action movies. Still, it's not without its moments. Just witness as Checkers, in a fury, decides that opening a door by twisting the door knob isn't nearly as much fun as kicking the door down. The dialogue is often pretty priceless, and one has to believe Silliphant was parodying the genre at times. As a vehicle for Ms. Alexandra, it works well enough; whatever she lacks in acting chops is made up for with her spunk and sex appeal. (She looks cute and sexy wearing various revealing outfits). Dukes's performance is positively goofy, but Steiger ends up wasted in a rather boring villainous part. Still, it's fun to note the number of familiar faces in supporting roles: Brian Thompson, John Hancock, Brian Libby, and Professor Toru Tanaka. None of this is ever particularly exciting, but it manages to be oddly watchable just the same. The location shooting is one asset, and the obligatory pop theme song is good for some chuckles. One would have to be a pretty undemanding and easygoing genre fan to really dig this, especially as its ending isn't all that satisfying. Overall, it's not exactly "good", but not all that bad either. Six out of 10.

Tiana Alexandra plays kung-fu copper Checkers Goldberg. Yes, this is not a typo. Checkers freaking Goldberg. Despite being 100% Vietnamese she is given this goofy name (What, Shamus O'Reilly was too unbelievable?) and even goofier starring role as any hint of real talent is basically her knack for slow karate moves and looking good in a wet t-shirt (apparently bras are optional at this police department). Checkers and her partner Waldo, (David Dukes who tries really hard, no really he does!) are sent to investigate heroin dealers in Buenos Aires that have been shipping the smack back to Los Angeles. Turns out it's Rod Steiger with a toupee so bad it trumps any international crime the drug dealing might incur. Steiger's Jason Hannibal is also a talent scout and that's where Checkers becomes acquainted with him as.......Cinderella Poo! What is it with these names? Turns out Hannibal is smuggling the drugs into the U.S. by stuffing it into breast implants. Why they would send in a woman with sizable knockers in the first place is a mystery to me. With all the attention, rightly so, on boobs, you'd think you would get to see a pair every once in a while. You'd be wrong. This is like a Fred Olen Ray movie if Mr. Ray had become a Mormon. Not fun. Eventually Checkers kicks and chops her way through men three times her size all the while enduring every sexually charged innuendo by Waldo who was not aware of what a litigious society the work place would become in the nineties. A sideplot concerning Waldo's feelings for Checkers is clumsily heaped in to add another layer onto their partnership. The "heat" ain't coming from the sexual chemistry from these two that's for sure. A movie by boobs about boobs that show no boobs except for the boobs who watched this. Catch a nap instead.