Kurt Russell credited as playing...
Dean Proffitt
- Annie: I don't belong here, I feel it. Don't you think I feel it? I can't do any of these vile things, and I wouldn't want to. Oh, my life is like death. My children are the spawn of hell, and you're the devil. Oh, God...
- Dean Proffitt: Baby, we like you.
- Dean Proffitt: They're making out their Christmas lists
- Annie: Oh, already?
- Travis Proffitt: How do you spell "Porsche"?
- Dean Proffitt: Well, they got me thinkin' though: what can I possibly give you ever that you don't already have?
- Annie: [long pause as she thinks] A little girl.
- Dean Proffitt: You know what your problem is? Huh? You're so goddamn bored, you gotta invent things to bitch about! You haven't got a single thing to do on this earth except for your hair! Yeah, your closet was fine, you just needed something to take up your useless, nail-polishing, toe-polishing, rich bitch, sun-tanning days!
- [From the engine room, the crew, who have heard all of this, start cheering]
- [Dean & Billy see Joanna's mugshot on TV]
- Dean Proffitt: That's her.
- Billy Pratt: Who?
- Dean Proffitt: THE BITCH!
- Billy Pratt: [Seeing Grant leaving the hospital on TV] I can't believe he's skipping out on her.
- Dean Proffitt: Of course he's skipping out on her, it's his shot at freedom.
- Billy Pratt: Maybe you should go down to the hospital and see if you can get some of your money back?
- Dean Proffitt: Look, he's gone.
- Billy Pratt: Not him, her.
- Dean Proffitt: She doesn't even know who she is, you think she's gonna know who I am?
- [Dean turns around to walk away only to turn right back when he thinks of an idea]
- Dean Proffitt: Billy, there is a God and he loves me!
- Billy Pratt: You're not gonna shave your head, are you?
- Dean Proffitt: No, I gotta go home and talk to my kids...
- Billy Pratt: [interrupts] Dean, don't do this.
- Dean Proffitt: ...and I want you to take them shopping at the Salvation Army!
- Billy Pratt: Dean, it's illegal... Dean you're crazy, you know that!
- Joey Proffitt: [in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] Hi, Mom. My name's Joe.
- Annie: A falsetto child?
- Dean Proffitt: Nah. He thinks he's Pee-Wee Herman.
- Joey Proffitt: [in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] I love Pee-Wee Herman.
- [Pee-Wee's trademark laugh]
- Annie: Tell me something about my life, Dean, something not horrible.
- Dean Proffitt: Well uh... yeah, there was that time you were working at Burger Boy, and this kid started choking on a French fry, and everybody in the place panicked, including me, except you, you knew exactly what to do. You ran over to the kid and you gave him that Heimlech, you know,
- [grunts]
- Dean Proffitt: and puh! The kid puked up the fry and they named you Burger Boy employee of the month. They put your picture above the cash register and everything.
- Joanna: Well, the entire civilized world knows that ALL closets are made of CEDAR.
- Dean Proffitt: [in a backwoods accent] Well up here in Elk Snout ma'am see we don't know 'bout them closets, nor bathrooms neither. Shit woman, you're lucky I am house broke.
- Annie: I just... ate a bug!
- Dean Proffitt: Keep your mouth closed, there's a lot of things flying around out here!
- Dean Proffitt: [sees his sons gathered in a group whispering excitedly] What's this?
- Annie: Travis found a girlfriend.
- Joey Proffitt: Hey, Trav, don't knock her up!
- Annie: [sarcastically] Very funny!
- Dean Proffitt: I can't talk to you with you pulled away from me. Will you please get your head out of there and look at me?
- Annie: No.
- Dean Proffitt: Why?
- Annie: [turns over, covered in Calamie lotion] Because I'm so ugly, I got poison oak too.
- [cries]
- Dean Proffitt: Nobody cares what you look like, normally you look really pretty, you just don't now.
- Annie: [continue sobbing] I dont even have a wedding ring.
- Dean Proffitt: What?
- Annie: I lost my wedding ring in the sea.
- Annie: You're not leaving me here alone tonight, the kids are sick.
- Dean Proffitt: Yeah and they've got Calamine lotion all over them. What do you want me to do?
- Annie: I want you to take on some of your grownup responsibility.
- Dean Proffitt: I earn the money, that's my grownup responsibility.
- Annie: Are you aware that Joey can't read? And Travis only reads smut magazines? I can't get him out of the bathroom.
- Dean Proffitt: Honey he's 13 years old! I'll build you another bathroom.
- Annie: They don't need another bathroom, they need guidance from you.
- Dean Proffitt: Hey hey hey, don't you worry about me and my boys, okay? We're pals.
- Annie: They have enough pals, they need a father.
- [the officer at the hospital pulls out the photos and Joanna's panties from a parcel envelope]
- Cop at Hospital: Nice panties! J.S., she didn't know what that meant?
- Dean Proffitt: See she wouldn't, I bought them for her at a garage sale.
- Cop at Hospital: Yeah, I bought my wife a garter at a yard sale once too.
- Dean Proffitt: I'm sure you did.
- Dean Proffitt: Hey hey hey, guys, look who's home!
- Greg Proffitt: Hi Mom!
- Travis Proffitt: Hi Mom!
- Charlie Proffitt: [in a raspy voice] Hi Mom!
- Greg Proffitt: [pretending to cry] Gee Mom, we really missed you, we're so glad you're baaaaaack!
- [Dean sticks his hand out to tell the boys to stop the dramatics]
- Annie: They aren't mine...
- Dean Proffitt: Oh I was sure you'd remember them!
- Annie: I think I'd remember if I had 3 children...
- Dean Proffitt: Four, honey, don't forget little Joe!
- [Joe sticks his head out the window and waves; Annie faints after believing she had four sons with Dean]
- Billy Pratt: Annie, those are my underwear.
- Annie: Yours?
- Billy Pratt: I don't mean I wear 'em or anything. They belong to a girlfriend of mine.
- Annie: But what about Gertie?
- Billy Pratt: I strayed. See, I got lucky with this phone sex girl and I found one that takes personal checks; my truck doesn't have a backseat so I borrowed yours. Dean doesn't want you to tell Gertie so he's covering for me.
- Dean Proffitt: [comes up to them] What's going on?
- Billy Pratt: I confess. The jig is up!
- Dean Proffitt: The jig IS up, Billy, I'm finally trying to tell her the truth.
- Billy Pratt: I just did. See, I didn't get the name Bad Billy Pratt for nothing. I'm sorry, Annie, I got horny, do you hate me?
- Annie: [smiles] No, no
- [hugs him]
- Annie: I'm glad you're Bad Billy Pratt!
- Dean Proffitt: [home from work] Hey guys, what's going on?
- Greg Proffitt: [stops playing piano] I got the part of Tiny Tim in the school play!
- Charlie Proffitt: [looks up from homework] I got an A in English!
- Travis Proffitt: [looks up from homework] I'm flunking math.
- Dean Proffitt: Yeah well we'll work on the math after dinner.
- Annie: [teaching Joey to read with comic books] You're just in time, Dr. Death's on the rampage.
- Dean Proffitt: You jumped my bones the first night we met!
- Annie: We did it on the first date?
- Dean Proffitt: Couldn't call it a date really, we just did it in the parking lot of the 7-Eleven
- Annie: I'm a slut
- Dean Proffitt: What did you say?
- Annie: Nothing
- Travis Proffitt: [Dean knocks on the boys' clubhouse door] Who is it?
- Dean Proffitt: Doctor Death, let's go!
- Travis Proffitt: We're gonna go get her!
- Dean Proffitt: Come on guys! Billy's friends are gonna help us!
- Dean Proffitt: I can't believe you did that.
- Annie: Oh! I saw you jump so I jumped...
- Dean Proffitt: No I don't mean that. I can't believe you gave all that up just for me.
- Annie: I didn't.
- Dean Proffitt: What? What do you mean?
- Annie: Well the truth of the matter is it's all mine, the boat, the money, everything is all mine.
- [Dean faints]
- Annie: Dean! Dean, it's okay!
- Annie: [seeing the counterfeit photos that supposedly depict her wedding to Dean, but which are actually just expertly "merged" images which combine her gloomy "amnesia-state" photos with Dean's deceased wife's wedding photos] It's my wedding day, why do I look so annoyed?
- Dean Proffitt: [thinking fast] Oh, well, your dad showed up shit-faced. He threw potato salad all over my mom. It was horrible, we had to throw him out.