Steve Martin credited as playing...
Neal Page
- Car Rental Agent: [cheerfully] Welcome to Marathon, may I help you?
- Neal: Yes.
- Car Rental Agent: How may I help you?
- Neal: You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks! Then you can give me a fucking automobile! A fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat!
- Car Rental Agent: I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.
- Neal: And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car... right... fucking... now.
- [pause]
- Car Rental Agent: May I see your rental agreement?
- Neal: I threw it away.
- Car Rental Agent: Oh, boy.
- Neal: Oh, boy, what?
- Car Rental Agent: [narrows her eyes] You're fucked.
- Neal: You're no saint. You got a free cab, you got a free room, and someone who'll listen to your boring stories. I mean, didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking, eventually I started reading the vomit bag? Didn't that give you some sort of clue, like, hey, maybe this guy's not enjoying it? You know, everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle! Your stories have none of that. They're not even amusing *accidentally*! "Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith, he's got some amusing anecodotes for you. Oh, and here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it." I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days, I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They'd say, "How can you stand it?" I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith. I can take anything." You know what they'd say? They'd say, "I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy. Whoa." It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest, you know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back, you would. Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! And by the way, you know, when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!
- Del: You play with your balls a lot.
- Neal: [scoffs] I do not play with my balls.
- Del: Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour!
- Neal: Are you trying to start a fight?
- Del: No. I'm simply stating a fact, that's all. You fidget with your nuts a lot.
- Neal: You know what'd make me happy?
- Del: Another couple of balls and an extra set of fingers?
- Cab Dispatcher: Where are you going?
- Neal: Chicago.
- Cab Dispatcher: Chicago?
- Neal: Yeah, Chicago.
- Cab Dispatcher: You know you're in St. Louis?
- Neal: Yes I do.
- Cab Dispatcher: Why don't you try the airlines? It's faster and you get a free meal.
- Neal: If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak. Now are you gonna help me or are you gonna stand there like a slab of meat with mittens?
- [the cab dispatcher punches him in the face]
- Del: I know you don't I? I'm usually very good with names but I'll be damned if I haven't forgotten yours.
- Neal: You stole my cab.
- Del: I never stole anything in my life.
- Neal: I hailed a cab on Park Avenue this afternoon and before I could get in it. You stole it.
- Del: You're the guy who tried to get my cab. I knew I knew you! You scared the bejesus out of me. Come to think of it it was easy to get a cab during rush hour.
- Neal: Forget it.
- Del: I can't forget it. I am sorry. I had no idea it was your cab. Let me make it up to you. How about a nice hot dog and a beer.
- Neal: No thanks.
- Del: Just a hot dog then.
- Neal: I'm kinda picky about what I eat.
- Del: Some coffee?
- Neal: No.
- Del: Milk?
- Neal: No.
- [becoming more annoyed]
- Del: Soda?
- Neal: No.
- [annoyance rising]
- Del: Tea?
- Neal: No
- Del: LifeSavers?
- Neal: No.
- Del: Slurpee?
- Neal: Sir - please.
- Del: Just let me know. I'm here.
- [smiles, shaking his finger at Neal]
- Del: I knew I knew ya!
- [Neal and Del are watching their rental car burn and laughing]
- Neal: How could you rent the thing anyway without a credit card? I mean, you couldn't! I mean, how could you do it?
- Del: Oh, I gave this gal behind the counter a set of shower curtain rings!
- Neal: [stops laughing, turns to face Del] You can't rent a car with shower curtain rings, Del.
- [long, awkward pause]
- Del: Well, uh... somehow your Diner's Club card... wound up in my wallet. And I, uh...
- Neal: You *stole* it!
- Del: Not exactly.
- Neal: You stole my card! I knew you stole it.
- Del: No, I didn't! I swear my life on it!
- Neal: You stole the card and then you rented a car, and then you burned it up! I knew you stole it!
- Del: I didn't! I did not! I found it in my wallet! I thought you put it there!
- Neal: Why would I put it there?
- Del: Kindness?
- Neal: [sputtering] Kindness? KINDNESS? You stole it! He stole it!
- Del: No, I didn't! No, I didn't, I was going to send it back to you with whatever the rental car charge was, plus interest! But you didn't give me your address. What was I supposed to do? You just ditched me! I had no money, I had no cards, I had nothing!
- Neal: [grabs Del by the jacket collar] Give it back!
- Del: I can't!
- Neal: [shakes Del] Why not?
- Del: Because!
- Neal: [shakes Del again] Because why?
- Del: Because when we stopped to gas up, I put the card back in your wallet!
- [Neal looks back at the burning car and realizes to his dismay that his wallet is still in the glove compartment]
- Del: You're not mad at me, are you?
- [Neal punches Del in the stomach]
- Susan Page: You shared a motel room with a complete stranger? Are you crazy?
- Neal: Not yet. But I'm getting there.
- [last lines]
- Neal: Honey, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine.
- Susan Page: Hello, Mr. Griffith.
- Del: Hello, Mrs. Page.
- Neal: Sir?
- [runs up to a man getting into a cab]
- Neal: Sir? Sir, excuse me. I know this is your cab, but I'm desperately late for a plane, and I was wondering if I could appeal to your good nature and ask you to let me have it.
- New York Lawyer: I don't have a good nature. Excuse me.
- Cab Driver - New York: [impatiently] Come on!
- Neal: Can I offer you ten dollars for it?
- New York Lawyer: [scoffs] Nah.
- Neal: Twenty! I'll give you twenty dollars for it.
- New York Lawyer: I'll take fifty.
- Neal: [hesitates, then starts to take the money out] All right, all right.
- New York Lawyer: Anyone who'd pay fifty dollars for a cab... would certainly pay seventy-five.
- Neal: Not necessarily...
- [pause]
- Neal: All right, seventy-five dollars. You're a thief!
- New York Lawyer: Close. I'm an attorney.
- Neal: [dryly] Have a happy holiday.
- New York Lawyer: This'll help.
- [at breakfast Neal finds his wallet empty and gives Del a mean look]
- Del: What?
- Neal: You know goddamn well what!
- Del: I'm sorry I don't
- Neal: I had over 700 dollars in here.
- Del: I didn't touch your dough Neal. I'm a lot of things but I'm not a thief.
- Neal: Well you went into my stuff last night right?
- Del: I didn't take your money! And I don't care for the accusation.
- Neal: Well I had over 700 dollars in here and you went into my wallet for pizza. Just maybe when you went into my stuff you had to...
- Del: [Places his wallet on the table] Count it!
- Neal: Oh like you keep it in there if you stole it.
- Del: There's 263 dollars in there. If there's a dollar more then you can call me a thief. Just count it.
- Neal: [finds Del's wallet empty as well] Empty.
- Del: WHAT?
- [Looks thru his wallet]
- Del: We were robbed!
- Neal: [Sarcastically] Do you think so?
- Del: You know I had a feeling that when we parted ways. We would somehow wind up back together again. I've never seen a guy get picked up by his testicles before. Lucky thing for you that cop passed by when he did. Otherwise, you'd be lifting up your schnutz to tie you shoes. I'm sorry. That's terrible. Do you have any idea how glad I am I didn't kill you?
- Neal: [high voice] Do you have any idea how glad I'd be if you had?
- Del: Oh, come on, pal, you don't mean that. Remember what I said about going with the flow?
- Neal: How am I supposed to go with the flow when the rental car agency leaves me in a 100 acre parking lot with keys to a car that isn't there then I have to hike back 3 miles to find out they don't have any more cars?
- Del: I got a car, no sweat at all.
- Neal: Well Del, you're a charmed man.
- Del: Nope.
- Neal: Oh, I know. You just go with the flow.
- Del: Like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream.
- Del: You know, when I'm dead and buried, all I'm gonna have around here to prove that I was here are some shower curtain rings that didn't fall down. Great legacy, huh?
- Neal: At the very least, the absolute minimum, you've got a woman you love to grow old with, right?
- [Del is quiet]
- Neal: You love her, don't you?
- Del: Love... is not a big enough word. It's not a big enough word for how I feel about my wife.
- Neal: [raises drink] To the wives.
- Del: To the wives!
- Neal: Eh, look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm not much of a conversationalist, and I really want to finish this article, a friend of mine wrote it, so...
- Del: Don't let me stand in your way, please don't let me stand in your way. The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth... You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowderhead that doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut... If you catch me running off with my mouth, just give me a poke on the chubbs...
- Neal: What's the flight situation?
- Del: Simple. There's no way on earth we're going to get out of here tonight. We'd have more luck playing pickup sticks with our butt-cheeks than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak.
- Neal: I guess we'll find out soon enough.
- Del: Yeah, but by the time the airline cancels this flight, which they will sooner or later, you'd have more of a chance to find a three-legged ballerina than you would a hotel room.
- Neal: Are you saying I could be *stuck* in Wichita?
- Del: I'm saying you *are* stuck in Wichita.