Billy Crystal credited as playing...
Miracle Max
- Miracle Max: Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad.
- Fezzik: I'm on the Brute Squad.
- Miracle Max: [sees Fezzik] You ARE the Brute Squad!
- Miracle Max: You got any money?
- Inigo Montoya: Sixty-five.
- Miracle Max: I've never worked for so little. Except once, and that was a very noble cause.
- Inigo Montoya: This is noble, sir. His wife is... crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation.
- Miracle Max: Are you a rotten liar!
- Inigo Montoya: I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.
- Miracle Max: Your first story was better.
- Miracle Max: Have fun stormin' da castle.
- Valerie: Think it'll work?
- Miracle Max: It would take a miracle.
- Miracle Max: Get back, witch.
- Valerie: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that any more.
- Inigo Montoya: We're in a terrible rush.
- Miracle Max: Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.
- Miracle Max: He probably owes you money huh? I'll ask him.
- Inigo Montoya: He's dead. He can't talk.
- Miracle Max: Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do.
- Inigo Montoya: What's that?
- Miracle Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
- Inigo Montoya: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?
- Miracle Max: The King's stinking son fired me, and thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed.
- Inigo Montoya: But this is Buttercup's true love - If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding.
- Miracle Max: Wait. Wait. I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
- Inigo Montoya: Humiliations galore!
- Miracle Max: HA-HA-HA!
- [mutters under his breath and grabs his cap]
- Miracle Max: *That* is a noble cause. Give me the sixty-five, I'm on the job.
- Miracle Max: Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world - except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomatoes are ripe
- [smacks his lips]
- Miracle Max: They're so perky, I love that.
- Valerie: Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence has been shattered.
- Miracle Max: Why'd you say that name? You promised me you would never say that name!
- Valerie: What, Humperdinck?
- Miracle Max: Aahaahh!
- Valerie: Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
- Miracle Max: I'm not listening!
- Inigo Montoya: That's a miracle pill?
- Valerie: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And you shouldn't go in swimming after, for at least, what?
- Miracle Max: An hour.
- Valerie: Yeah, an hour.
- Miracle Max: A good hour.
- Miracle Max: [to Feezik and Indigo] Shows what you know. You see, you're friend is mostly dead. If they're all dead, there's only one thing you can do: check their pockets for loose change.