Tom Cruise credited as playing...
- [Last Barman poem]
- Brian: I am the last barman poet / I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make / Americans getting stinky on something I stir or shake / The sex on the beach / The schnapps made from peach / The velvet hammer / The Alabama slammer. / I make things with juice and froth / The pink squirrel / The three-toed sloth. / I make drinks so sweet and snazzy / The iced tea / The kamakazi / The orgasm / The death spasm / The Singapore sling / The dingaling. / America you've just been devoted to every flavor I got / But if you want to got loaded / Why don't you just order a shot? / Bar is open.
- Bonnie: Please, I don't want to end it this way.
- Brian: Jesus, everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end.
- Brian: Days get shorter and shorter, nights longer and longer, before you know it, your life is just one long night with a few comatose daylight hours.
- [last lines]
- Jordan: Bet I can still spook you.
- Brian: No way.
- [she whispers in his ear]
- Brian: Twins? Twins?
- [to everyone]
- Brian: Twins! Drinks are on the house!
- Uncle Pat: No! No!
- Brian: The bar is open!
- [Flanagan's advice to his unborn child:]
- Brian: If Jordan gives birth to a fine Irish son / There will be Cocktails and Dreams for him one day to run / A business that will yield the financial windfall / To be franchised in every suburban shopping mall. / If a daughter arrives to bless our clan / I guess the shit will finally hit the fan / But this I shall promise thee / I'll never let her marry a guy like me. / Still if our child is the naughtiest of girls or the wildest of young men / I swear I'll be the best dad I can / And never ever get spooked again.
- Brian: Should we let it breathe?
- Doug: It hasn't breathed for fifty years, it's dead. Let's just drink it.
- Brian: I'm willing to start at the bottom.
- Job Interviewer: You're aiming too high.
- Brian: I'm looking for the Manager.
- Doug: What's the problem? Did you find a hair in your quiche?
- Brian: No, I'm looking for a job.
- Doug: Ah, you'd like to put a hair in somebody else's quiche.
- Brian: You're offering me a job?
- Doug: Uh huh.
- Brian: The waitresses hate me!
- Doug: You wait till you've given them crabs. Then you'll really know hatred.
- Brian: Coughlin's law: never show surprise, never lose your cool.
- [Jordan is drawing a picture of Brian]
- Brian: So this is your profession.
- Jordan: More like my... obsession.
- Brian: To pay the rent?
- Jordan: Someday it will.
- Doug: Mighty Casey has struck out.
- Brian: The game's not over yet. It wouldn't be any fun if they fell over with their legs in the air, would it?
- Brian: Not a goddamned thing any one of those professors says makes a difference on the street.
- Doug: If you know that, you're ready to graduate.
- Brian: I'll stick with the brew.
- Doug: Beer is for breakfast around here, drink or be gone.
- [Jordan has returned to her father's Park Avenue penthouse to find Brian arguing with him]
- Brian: I think there's a chance for us.
- Jordan: Brian, there is no "us." There's too many things about "us" that don't work.
- Brian: What about the baby? A kid needs a father.
- Jordan: Not one who's not going to be around in a year?
- Mr. Mooney: Yeah, with your lifestyle, what kind of a father would you...
- Jordan: Dad!
- Brian: Listen, I'm sorry I called you a bitch.
- Eleanor: Why? I am a bitch.
- Brian: [looking at Jordan's painting] Is this our waterfall?
- Jordan: No.
- Brian: It's terrific.
- Jordan: Yeah, it's all right. The name's Mooney, not Monet.
- Bonnie: I've been thinking about you all day.
- Brian: Really? A plane ride home will cure that.
- Jordan: What are you doing here?
- Brian: I bet you thought you'd never see me again.
- Jordan: *Hoped* is a better word!
