Cassandra Peterson credited as playing...
Elvira
- Bob Redding: How's your head?
- Elvira: I haven't had any complaints yet.
- Bob Redding: [confused] Excuse me?
- Elvira: Oh, uh, I think I'll live.
- Elvira: And if they ever ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs. I was also an incredible pair of legs. And tell them... tell them that I never turned down a friend. I... never turned down a stranger for that matter. And tell them... tell them that when all is said and done, I only ask that people remember me by two simple words.
- [stops to think]
- Elvira: Any two, as long as they're simple.
- [breaks down crying]
- Bob Redding: I run the movie house.
- Elvira: Oh, really? I'm in movies too! Have you ever shown, uh, "I Married Satan"?
- Bob Redding: No...
- Elvira: How about the sequel, "I Married Satan 2"?
- Bob Redding: I, ah... I can only play G-rated movies.
- Elvira: Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex and violence.
- Chastity Pariah: [seeing Elvira arriving] Well, I never.
- Elvira: Yeah, and you never will with those soup cans on your head.
- Chastity Pariah: Listen, young lady. I don't know who your are or where you came from, but you most certainly don't fit in this town. Why, you don't even fit in that dress.
- Elvira: Listen, sister. If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
- [Elvira is late for the reading of her aunt's will]
- Elvira: Hey guys! Sorry I'm late, but then, so is my aunt. Hey, nice jacket. Who shot the couch?
- Vincent Talbot: I must apologize for my behavior in the office, it's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me.
- Elvira: It's okay. My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody.
- Elvira: And don't forget, tomorrow we're showing The Head with Two Things... I mean The Thing with Two Heads. Until then, this is Elvira saying unpleasant dreams.
- Earl Hooter: The name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn, maybe you can guess why.
- Elvira: Gee, I don't know, does it have anything to do with your breath?
- Patty: [about Elvira's mess] Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault.
- Elvira: Cheap? Who are you callin' cheap? What's that perfume you're wearing, Catch of the Day?
- Patty: Look, honey. I don't know which hole did you crawl out of, but I suggest you crawl right back in, if you know what's good for you.
- Elvira: Yeah well, you better watch out. You're gonna put some eyes out with these things.
- Bob Redding: [on Elvira's home-cooked casserole] No, you didn't.
- Elvira: Well, it is a pot luck. And believe me, when they open that pot, they're gonna need all the luck they can get. Revenge is better than Christmas.
- Bob Redding: You know what your problem is? Chastity Pariah.
- Elvira: [surprised] Oh. I thought that cleared up.
- Elvira: I've never been so humiliated in my life! Just wait until I get my hands on that Patty. I'm going to rip out every single bleach blonde hair out of her scalp, gouge out her eyeballs, then use her head for a bowling ball!
- Elvira: Robin, what's there to do for fun around here?
- Robin Meeker: This town isn't big on fun. But there is one place! The bowling alley. It gets pretty wild on league night.
- Elvira: [surprised] Gee, I think I can handle it.
- Elvira: [ringing the motel bell] I hate to interrupt this little episode of the Waltons. But can I have a room?
- Mrs. Meeker: Okay, but it's cash up from. I know what you pinko heavy metal weirdos do to motel rooms. I read all about it in the Star.