Michael Palin: Ken

A Fish Called Wanda

Ken

Ken: Rev-enge!
Otto: [laughing] It's K-K-K-Ken! C-c-c-coming to k-k-k-kill me! How you gonna c-c-c-catch me, K-K-K-Ken?

Wanda: I'm sorry about my brother, Ken. I know he's insensitive. He's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up.
Ken: Good.

Otto: You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're... smart, you've got wonderful bones, great eyes, and you dress really interestingly.
Ken: What you...?
Otto: We could have a lot of fun together, you and I. And I think we'd be really good for each other. What do you say?
Ken: You must be j-j-j...
Otto: May I kiss you, Ken?
[tries to kiss him]
Ken: No, you fucking can't!
[runs away]
Otto: Just a peck! No tongue!
Ken: No, no!

[after steamrollering Otto]
Ken: "K-k-k-k-Ken." You bastard. Hey, I've lost my stutter. It's gone. I can speak. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

[Ken drives at Otto with a steamroller. Otto laughs, until he realizes his feet are trapped in cement, and his gun is empty]
Otto: Ken! Ken! Wait, wait, Ken! Kenny! I... may I call you Kenny?
Ken: Remember Wanda!
Otto: I got the deal of a lifetime! Fifty-fifty, you and me, what do you say! Okay, okay, okay, sixty-forty! That's my final offer!
Ken: REVENGE!
Otto: Wait, I got an idea! You take it all! Yeah, here's my boarding pass, Ken!
Ken: I'm gonna, I'm gonna k-ka, kill you!
Otto: Okay, fine, Ken! Come at me, give me your best shot! Go on, Ken! You don't have the guts, admit it!
[the steamroller bears down on him]
Otto: Okay, you have the guts, good... wait!
Ken: Death!
Otto: Okay, I'm-sorry-I-ate-your-fish, okay? I'm-sorry!
Ken: Revenge!
Otto: Jesus, I said I'm sorry! What the fu-?
[He goes under the steamroller]
Otto: AAAAHHHH!
Ken: Got him!

Otto: [to Ken about Mrs Coady] What does he want you to do? Send her flowers? Do her shopping? Show her a good time? Rub her out? Rub her out?
Otto: [gleefully] HE'S GOING TO KILL HER! HA HA HA!
Ken: Shut up!
Otto: [shows his gun to a group of onlookers] Fuck off or I'll kill you. LIMEY FRUITS! So the old lady's gonna m-m- meet with an accident, eh K-K-Ken?
Ken: Shh!
[Otto laughs]
Ken: What's - what's so funny?
Otto: Nothing, it's just that wasting old ladies isn't NICE!
Ken: [angrily] Well it's better than b-b-buggering people!
Otto: I'll bet you a pound you don't kill her.
Ken: Alright.
Otto: Alright. I love watching your ass when you walk! Is that beautiful or what? Don't go near him! He's mine! A pound says you won't kill her! Ha ha!

Otto: You really like animals, don't you, Ken? What's the attraction?
Ken: Because you can t-t-trust them, and they don't sh-sh-sh...
Otto: Shit on you?
Ken: Show off all the time.
Otto: Know what Nietzsche said about them? He said they were God's second blunder.

Otto: Well, Ken, I'm going to ask you some questions, while I eat my chips. First: Who was the philosopher who developed the concept of the superman in Also sprach Zarathustra?
[pause]
Otto: No? That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid. Friedrich Nietzsche. Next: In which book did Nietzsche claim that almost all higher culture is based on cruelty?
[pause]
Otto: Are you thinking or in mid-stutter?
Ken: You're m-m-mad.
Otto: Beyond Good and Evil. Guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, huh, Ken? Okay. Um... Let me think, let me think. Um... Where are the diamonds?