Charles Grodin credited as playing...
Jonathan Mardukas
- Jonathan Mardukas: Did she hurt you, Jack?
- Jack Walsh: Yeah, she did.
- Jonathan Mardukas: I'm sorry.
- Jack Walsh: What're you sorry about?
- Jonathan Mardukas: I'm sorry you're hurt.
- Jack Walsh: I'm not hurt.
- Jonathan Mardukas: You just said you were hurt.
- Jack Walsh: I'm not hurt.
- Jonathan Mardukas: You just said you were hurt!
- Jack Walsh: I didn't say I was hurt, YOU said I was hurt.
- Jonathan Mardukas: I asked you if you were hurt and you said "Yeah, I'm hurt."
- Jack Walsh: That's because you made me say it. Startin' to put words in my mouth.
- Jonathan Mardukas: Jack, you're a grown man. You're in control of your own words.
- Jack Walsh: You're goddamn right I am. Now here come two words for you: Shut the fuck up.
- Jack Walsh: I can't keep you cuffed on a commercial flight, and I gotta check my gun with my luggage, but you fuck with me once and I'm gonna break your neck.
- Jonathan Mardukas: I can't fly.
- Jack Walsh: What?
- Jonathan Mardukas: You heard me, I can't fly.
- Jack Walsh: No, no, no. You're going to have to do better than that, pal.
- Jonathan Mardukas: No, I don't have to do better than that, because it's the truth, I can't fly: I suffer from aviaphobia.
- Jack Walsh: What does that mean?
- Jonathan Mardukas: It means I can't fly. I also suffer from acrophobia and claustrophobia.
- Jack Walsh: I'll tell you what: if you don't cooperate, you're gonna suffer from "fistophobia".
- Jonathan Mardukas: Jahé, everybody, jahé
- Jack Walsh: What's that?
- Jonathan Mardukas: It means 'hello'. I can say 'hello' in a lot of different languages. Not yours, but a lot of them.
- Jonathan Mardukas: You lied to me first!
- Jack Walsh: What the - -YOU LIED TO ME FIRST!
- Jonathan Mardukas: Yes! Yes. But you didn't know I was lying to you when you lied to me down by the river. So as far as you knew, you lied to me first!
- Jack Walsh: How can I argue with this guy. I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.
- Jonathan Mardukas: What's the name of this establishment?
- Red Wood: Red's Corner Bar.
- Jonathan Mardukas: Are you Red?
- Red Wood: Yes.
- Jonathan Mardukas: Do you dye your hair?
- Red Wood: No.
- [pause]
- Jonathan Mardukas: Why do they call you Red?
- Red Wood: It's short for Redwood. My last name's Wood.
- Jonathan Mardukas: What's your first name?
- Red Wood: Bill.
- Jonathan Mardukas: Two dollars? That's all you're gonna leave?
- Jack Walsh: That's fifteen percent.
- Jonathan Mardukas: That's thirteen percent. These people depend on tips for a living!
- Jonathan Mardukas: You two are the dumbest bounty hunters I have ever seen! You couldn't even deliver a bottle of milk!
- Jack Walsh: That whole fuckin' department was corrupt!
- Jonathan Mardukas: There's good and bad everywhere, don't you think?
- Jack Walsh: Eh, well, I'd say there's bad everywhere. Good I don't know about.
- Jonathan Mardukas: [impersonating an FBI agent] Would you describe exactly what the last man who passed a $20 bill to you looked like?
- Bar Cashier: Thirty, tall...
- Jonathan Mardukas: About 6 feet?
- Bar Cashier: [shakes head] Six-five.
- Jonathan Mardukas: Dark hair?
- Bar Cashier: Light colored.
- Jonathan Mardukas: [looks at Jack] Sounds like our man.
- Jonathan Mardukas: I got money, y'know.
- Jack Walsh: I'm sure you do.
- Jonathan Mardukas: I'll give you whatever you want.
- Jack Walsh: Start by shutting up. I know you all of two minutes and already I don't like ya.
- Jonathan Mardukas: Gee, that's too bad. I really like you.
- Jonathan Mardukas: You ever had sex with an animal Jack? Remember those chickens on the Indian reservation? There were some good looking chickens there Jack. You know, between us...
- Jack Walsh: Yeah, there were a couple there I might've taken a shot at.
- [both laugh heartily]
- Jack Walsh: How much is here?
- Jonathan Mardukas: Neighborhood of three hundred thousand.
- Jack Walsh: That's a, that's a... very respectable neighborhood.
- Jack Walsh: Oh Marvin, you did it this time!
- Marvin Dorfler: What the fuck are you talking about?
- Jack Walsh: Those were hired killers back there!
- Marvin Dorfler: Hired to kill who?
- Jack Walsh: [pointing to Mardukas] Hired to kill this guy!
- Jonathan Mardukas: Me! Me, can you believe it?
- Marvin Dorfler: Hired by who?
- Jack Walsh: Hired by who? Jimmy Serrano, that's who!
- Marvin Dorfler: Oh, fuck! Why they wanna kill this guy?
- Jack Walsh: Don't you read the papers, knucklehead?
- Marvin Dorfler: Yeah, I read the fuckin' papers!
- Jonathan Mardukas: I can't take this.
- Jonathan Mardukas: Why would you eat that?
- Jack Walsh: Why? 'Cause it tastes good.
- Jonathan Mardukas: But it's not good for you.
- Jack Walsh: I'm aware of that.
- Jonathan Mardukas: Why do something that you know is not good for you?
- Jack Walsh: Because I don't think about it.
- Jonathan Mardukas: Well, that's living in denial.
- Jack Walsh: Living in denial?
- Jonathan Mardukas: Yeah.
- Jack Walsh: I'm aware of that.
- Jonathan Mardukas: So you're aware of all your behavior?
- Jonathan Mardukas: yet you continue to do things that aren't good for you.
- Jonathan Mardukas: That sounds sort of foolish. Don't you think, Jack?
- Jonathan Mardukas: You ever had lyonnaise potatoes? They are these types of potatoes that are sautéed but then they have this onion thing added to them, and they are really, really delicious. They work well with any, uh, chicken or pork dish. You know I could set you up with lyonnaise potatoes for the rest of your life.
- Jack Walsh: Why don't you just shut the fuck up!