Leslie Nielsen credited as playing...
Lt. Frank Drebin
- Mayor: Drebin, I don't want anymore trouble like you had last year on the South Side. Understand? That's my policy.
- Frank: Yes. Well, when I see 5 weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards. That's *my* policy.
- Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of "Julius Caesar", you moron! You killed 5 actors! Good ones.
- Frank: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.
- [Frank recalls a prior love]
- Frank: I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.
- Frank: Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.
- [Frank is interrogating Nordberg about the source of his incident, while Nordberg is only partly conscious from anesthesia, which Frank is incompetently unaware of]
- Frank: Nordberg, it's me, Frank. Now, who did this to you?
- Det. Nordberg: [Struggling to tell the name of the ship he was attacked on] I... Love... You.
- Frank: [Awkwardly] I... love you, too, Nordberg. Who were they?
- Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] Ship... boat.
- Frank: That's right, Nordberg. A boat. Now, when you're better, we'll go sailing together on a boat. We'll take a cruise just like last year.
- Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] No... Drugs...
- Frank: Hey, Nurse! Quick! Give this man some drugs! Quick! Can't you see he's in pain? Give him a shot quickly!
- [nurse administers drugs]
- Det. Nordberg: No... no...
- [pulls Frank towards him]
- Det. Nordberg: [half-consciously] Heroin... Heroin, Frank!
- Frank: Uh, Nordberg... that's a pretty tall order. You're gonna have to give me a couple of days on that one.
- Frank: It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.
- [Nordberg is being visited in the hospital by his wife, Wilma, along with Frank and Ed, after Nordberg had barely survived a massive gunfire by a group of ruffians. Wilma is taking the unfortunate circumstance pretty hard, and with no help from Frank's blunt assumptions and remarks about the situation]
- Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?
- Ed: It's hard to tell.
- Frank: [being blunt] A roving gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...
- [Wilma sobs]
- Ed: Frank, get a hold of yourself!
- Frank: A good cop, needlessly cut down and ambushed by some cowardly hoodlum.
- Ed: That's no way for a man to die.
- Frank: [being blunt] Ah, you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go!
- Mrs. Nordberg: [Wilma sobs again] Oh... Frank! Oh, this is terrible!
- Ed: Don't you worry, Wilma. Your husband is going to be all right. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.
- Frank: [being blunt] He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.
- [Wilma sobs again]
- Ed: What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad.
- Frank: [being blunt] Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense.
- [Wilma sobs again]
- [Frank Drebin walks through town]
- Frank: [narrating] The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but somehow, I didn't entirely trust him either. Why was the 'I Luv You' not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?
- Frank: Protecting the Queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts.