Witchery

An Italian horror movie with so many juicy AKA titles and starring both Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff... I mean, that has got to be worth it, right? "Witchery" is not even as inept as Umberto Lenzi's "Ghosthouse" - or maybe it is - and it's about as much fun. Hassle Da Hoff is always worth a few chuckles, if you ask me. Linda Blair gets to play her possessed self again, with an exploded hairdo this time. "Witchery" also features a handful of pretty memorable killings (lips sewn tight and burned in the fireplace, pulsating veins popping & squirting and bleeding to death, nailed to the cross and burned like a witch upside down, etc). This movie really ain't wrapped too tight, and there lies the beauty of it all: Italian genre movies from the 80's are usually a pretty bonkers affair altogether (that ghostly rape of a virgin was a winner! - yes, there's boobies). Safe to say I enjoyed "Witchery", more than I thought I would . Both Lenzi's first one (Italian title: "La Casa 3") and this unrelated, unofficial second film are recommended viewings if you like your haunted house stuff trashy, gory and Italian-style. Much like a big, greasy pizza, these movies aren't exactly nutritious, but they're tasty as hell.

From the people who brought you Troll 2, here's another one that will make you scratch your head so much that you'll draw blood. Witchery, upon first glance, seems like any other haunted house/possession flick, but upon further inspection, it's anything but. Featuring both Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff (guess they were trying to target that German market?), Witchery is one of those movies you finish and, for the longest time, you think it was something you dreamnt about.

This is in no small part to the female lead's performance that can only be described as somnambulist. It's as if she's reading from cue cards or her performance is being channeled via another spirit that's possessing her. It's a thing of bad movie beauty.

Gore fans will find a lot to enjoy as people get their lips sewn shut in extreme close up.

That movie has been produced and directed by the same people, who enriched the world of cinema with such masterpieces, as Troll 2, The Crawlers... Well, although this movie is not THAT horrible and ridiculous, as Troll 2 and Crawlers, although special effects (done by the same italian "Greg Cannom" (Mrs. Doubtfire, Bram Stocker´s Dracula, Titanic, etc.) Maurizio Trani, who have done some poor FX for Troll 2 and Crawlers, this movie stinks anyway. It´s a low-budget hilarity, where the characters behave as nobody would in real life. It also contains some episodes from the first part of this masterpiece (Casa 3, or Ghosthouse (1987), and which is in no way better. All these four movies were produced by an ultra low-budget company Filmirage. By the way, they had used the SAME score in Crawlers and in Witchery! What a shame!

I recently picked this up on VHS under the title "Ghosthouse 2", although it has nothing at all to do with the original Ghosthouse film. I was expecting it to be terrible, after reading IMDb reviews, but it actually turned out to be OK. The setting of the film is what gets the most marks from me - I love seeing the shots of the house and island from the sea. It's THE perfect setting for a horror film. I do think it was a little wasted on this particular film though. Never mind.

The film itself isn't too bad, it just drags a bit in some places and I didn't like the witchcraft theme. I found the scenes where people are transported via that "Doctor Who" style vortex extremely cringe-making. It looked like something from a cheap 80's sci-fi film! Other than that I thought the death of the old woman was excellent - she gets her lips sewn together and is hung upside down above a lit fireplace. She can't scream for help and the others have no idea she's there. Now there's an original death for you! The parts where the helicopter flies around the house are also excellent - the people inside can't signal for help because the house has trapped them inside.

I would recommend horror fans to give this a watch, it's silly and boring at times but the good bits make up for that.

An Italian/American co-production co-starring Linda Blair and David 'The Hoff' Hasselhoff: how could any fan of trashy horror resist such a treat?

Well, based on the uneventful, extremely tedious, and utterly nonsensical first forty minutes or so, I would have said 'very easily'; thankfully, however, things do eventually get a tad more entertaining with the introduction of several inventive death scenes, and for those lucky enough to find an uncut copy, a smattering of nudity too (unfortunately, my copy was optically edited to remove such offensive material).

The Hoff stars as Gary, a photographer who accompanies his beautiful girlfriend Leslie (Leslie Cumming) to a run-down hotel on a seemingly deserted island in order to take pictures for her latest project, a book about witches; whilst there, frustrated Gary also hopes to try and cure a bad case of blue balls by relieving Leslie of her virginity.

His plans for nookie are scuppered, however, by the unexpected arrival of property developers Freddie and Rose Brooks (Robert Champagne and Annie Ross), their pregnant daughter Jane (Blair), son Tommy (Michael Manchester), pretty nymphomaniac architect Linda Sullivan (Catherine Hickland), and estate agent Jerry (Rick Farnsworth), who have come to inspect the island's hotel.

After explaining their unexpected presence on the island, Gary and Leslie are welcomed by the property's new owners, and when a violent storm suddenly picks up, making it perilous to return to the mainland, everyone agrees to spend the night in the old building. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the hotel's new guests, the place is also home to the spirit of an evil witch (Hildegard Knef), who requires human sacrifices in order to bring herself back to life. One by one, victims are pulled into a swirling red vortex (which is guaranteed to provide unintentional laughs), before meeting a terrible fate.

None of this makes much sense, and the acting is atrocious (Manchester as Tommy is particularly bad, whilst Hasselhoff proves to be one of the better performers, which speaks volumes about the others), but those viewers who make it past the dreary first half are rewarded with some pretty decent moments of gore: Rose has her lips sewn together, before being roasted alive in a fireplace; Jerry is crucified and burnt alive; Linda is tortured by hags and impaled on a swordfish(!!); Freddie's veins pulsate and erupt in geysers of blood; and Gary gets stabbed in the back.

Oh, and Leslie is raped by a guy with no lips and Blair gets possessed (again).