Witchery

From the people who brought you Troll 2, here's another one that will make you scratch your head so much that you'll draw blood. Witchery, upon first glance, seems like any other haunted house/possession flick, but upon further inspection, it's anything but. Featuring both Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff (guess they were trying to target that German market?), Witchery is one of those movies you finish and, for the longest time, you think it was something you dreamnt about.

This is in no small part to the female lead's performance that can only be described as somnambulist. It's as if she's reading from cue cards or her performance is being channeled via another spirit that's possessing her. It's a thing of bad movie beauty.

Gore fans will find a lot to enjoy as people get their lips sewn shut in extreme close up.

That movie has been produced and directed by the same people, who enriched the world of cinema with such masterpieces, as Troll 2, The Crawlers... Well, although this movie is not THAT horrible and ridiculous, as Troll 2 and Crawlers, although special effects (done by the same italian "Greg Cannom" (Mrs. Doubtfire, Bram Stocker´s Dracula, Titanic, etc.) Maurizio Trani, who have done some poor FX for Troll 2 and Crawlers, this movie stinks anyway. It´s a low-budget hilarity, where the characters behave as nobody would in real life. It also contains some episodes from the first part of this masterpiece (Casa 3, or Ghosthouse (1987), and which is in no way better. All these four movies were produced by an ultra low-budget company Filmirage. By the way, they had used the SAME score in Crawlers and in Witchery! What a shame!

"Witchery" (1989) If it was not for such great popular actors this movie would be lost in obscurity. David Hasselhoff played Prince Simon in Starcrash (1978). Linda Blair played Ida Mae in "Married with Children" TV Series (1986-1997).

Strange things happen like the film runtime is stated as 95 minutes or 96 uncut. But the DVD I placed in the player says 1:36.50 minutes. There are no subtitles so you might have to play the German parts over again as they slur. There is not an overabundance of background music which makes the phony background music more impressive when they use it.

We get a lot of amateur-stilted dialogs; you are just going to have to get over it if you are to make it through the movie.

Linda Sullivan (Catherine Hickland) is a witchy researcher and an overdue virgin. She and her quazi boyfriend investigate a derelict hotel on the coast of Massachusetts.

Same time a family is looking to purchase the hotel. We get to see the boat captain hanging around, an intrepid German actress, a weird portal (like "Hot Tub Time Machine",) a dumb waiter, and much more.

They have time to reflect and so do we. Did I watch the whole thing?

Looks like it could be a pilot for a TV series.

An Italian horror movie with so many juicy AKA titles and starring both Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff... I mean, that has got to be worth it, right? "Witchery" is not even as inept as Umberto Lenzi's "Ghosthouse" - or maybe it is - and it's about as much fun. Hassle Da Hoff is always worth a few chuckles, if you ask me. Linda Blair gets to play her possessed self again, with an exploded hairdo this time. "Witchery" also features a handful of pretty memorable killings (lips sewn tight and burned in the fireplace, pulsating veins popping & squirting and bleeding to death, nailed to the cross and burned like a witch upside down, etc). This movie really ain't wrapped too tight, and there lies the beauty of it all: Italian genre movies from the 80's are usually a pretty bonkers affair altogether (that ghostly rape of a virgin was a winner! - yes, there's boobies). Safe to say I enjoyed "Witchery", more than I thought I would . Both Lenzi's first one (Italian title: "La Casa 3") and this unrelated, unofficial second film are recommended viewings if you like your haunted house stuff trashy, gory and Italian-style. Much like a big, greasy pizza, these movies aren't exactly nutritious, but they're tasty as hell.

Master thespian David Hasselhoff and his female equivalent Linda Blair team up with a chick who looks like Daphne Zuniga and a chick who looks like Christina Applegate and other assorted weirdos in this remake of And Then There Were None. This movie is so low budget I'm surprised they could afford a helicopter. Not to be missed.