Voyage of the Rock Aliens

A low-budget mid'-80s musical starring pint-sized sex kitten Pia Zadora: how could this be anything but a disaster? The funny thing is, I just watched the film and enjoyed it much more than I expected, yet I'm still asking how it could be anything but a disaster. I mean, the plot is atrocious, the dialogue diabolical, and the special effects like something I might achieve with my minimal knowledge of motion graphics software. By all rights, it should be unbearable, but I found myself charmed by its goofiness, and actually thought the musical numbers were pretty good. Zadora is no Olivia Newton-John, but she acquits herself well enough in the singing and dancing departments, if not the acting.

The film opens on a spacecraft manned by musical aliens who are travelling across the universe on a scientific mission, searching for rock music. After passing on several planets (including one where Jermaine Jackson and Pia Zadora flirt with each other, much to the annoyance of a gang of bikers in nasty white outfits), they decide to pay a visit to Earth, where they encounter trouble with a pack of rock and roll thugs led by Frankie (Craig Sheffer), who isn't happy when his girlfriend Dee Dee (also Zadora) shows an interest in the aliens' commander, ABCD (Tom Nolan).

Sounds straight-forward enough, but the whole thing is imbued with a surreal strangeness, from a robot that transforms into a mobile fire hydrant, to a teleportation phone booth, to a toxic lake that is home to a giant tentacle. Then there's the small matter of the escaped homicidal maniacs, one of which is played by Michael Berryman, who falls for Dee Dee's best friend Diane (Alison La Placa) when she helps to mend his chainsaw. Part cheesy '80s sci-fi, part '50s beach party movie, and part new-wave post-punk musical, but ALL bizarre, this is a perfect 'midnight movie' viewing for those who enjoy offbeat trash from the decade that taste forgot.

7/10 (with the potential for a higher rating on repeat viewings).

Plotless, goofy, lighthearted, audacious, uplifting, spirited - in short, the most fun movie I've watched in months! I don't even like musicals, but this one had me constantly tapping my feet on the floor. Pia Zadora's acting won't win any awards, but she's appropriately bright and perky here, plus a terrific singer. In its own terms, this film is damn close to perfect. If you have any nostalgic feelings about 80s music, this is a gift sent from heaven. (***1/2)

If anyone has questions about this movie please let me know, I was in it. I played the part of NPQR the Alien. I also co-wrote several songs for it.

And yes, this movie is about as cheesy as you can get. It was supposed to be a spoof on 60's beach movies with some (then) modern twists to it. The bands featured in the movie are Rhema and Jimmy and the Mustangs, I was in Rhema. Pia was a delight to work with as was the whole crew and cast.

Pia Zadora is my new favourite 80's leading lady. This film is atrocious. The acting is bad, every joke falls flat, and the aliens are annoying beyond belief! I like the songs a lot. Bizzarely many of them are badly re-recorded versions of Pia's own songs. This is most obvious in 'A Little Bit Of Heaven' which she sings here with the alien commander Absid. Fans of trashy 80's movies will love it! It's even worse than Xanadu and Grease 2! Pia's outfits rock too! I'd give the plot 1/10, the acting 1/10, the feel-good factor is at least a 7/10, and the soundtrack is a 10/10 or 1/10 depending on your taste in music. Watch out for Pia's all singing, all dancing performance in the ladies room! Hilarity awaits you.... Buy, buy, buy!

When Pia Zadora was rising to fame in the early 1980s she was always sold as a coquettish sexpot, from posing nude for Oui magazine to starring as Stacy Keach's teen temptress daughter in "Butterfly." Even her first album, "Pia," had the former Broadway performer heavy-breathing her way through soft pop songs, as if whispering into a lover's ear (until a chorus of back-up singers barges in, drowning her out). It was the career her then-husband Meshulam Riklis wanted for her, not the one that best suited her abilities, the multi- millionaire seemingly over-estimating her acting skill while underestimating her singing chops. That's not to say Pia wasn't complicit in this career plan; I just always got the impression she didn't want to be an international sex symbol as badly as her husband wanted to be married to one. As a result, Pia Zadora was a Hollywood joke before the '80s hit their midway point, with 1983's release of "The Lonely Lady" the punchline.

Things started to turn around by 1985, but before they did there was 1984's barely released musical comedy "Voyage of the Rock Aliens," a last ditch effort to establish Pia as a movie star. It's a step in the right direction for Pia, playing to her strengths — singing and light comedy — rather than trying to present her as a barely-legal seductress. Unfortunately, even though she's stepping in the right direction, the movie she's in stumbles.

"Voyage" is the story of a rock n' roll obsessed aliens (portrayed by the band Rhema) who, after a screening of the video for Pia's duet with Jermaine Jackson, "When the Rain Begins to Fall," beam down from their guitar-shaped spaceship to the town of Speelburgh (insert eye roll here). Speelburgh is known for its toxic beaches, horrible fashion and camera-mugging. Also, there's some sort of beast with rubber- tentacles living in its waters that no one seems to notice. Pia plays Dee Dee, a cherubic high school hottie dating Frankie (Craig Sheffer). Frankie is a leader of the rockabilly band The Pack, though he never once performs with it. And he doesn't want Dee Dee to perform with the band, either. The aliens, dressed like they hail from the planet Chess King, have a hard time fitting in until they introduce the teens of Speelburgh to their synth-heavy, New Wave-ish sound and before you know it they're being invited to play at the Heidi High cotillion. Then the aliens' blond commander ABCD (pronounced "Absid") gets one look at Dee Dee and literally explodes with desire. Once re- assembled, he decides the quickest way to win Dee Dee's heart is to allow her to perform with the aliens.

Also: Michael Berryman escapes from the local Hospital for the Criminally Insane, going on a chainsaw murdering rampage while the late Ruth Gordon pops up from time to time as a clueless sheriff, because why not?

Though "Voyage" is a comedy, it's seldom funny in the way its makers intended (only Alison La Placa, as Dee Dee's best friend, gets any genuine laughs), and not nearly as funny as the drama "The Lonely Lady." There is some fun to be had at Craig Sheffer's expense as he lip-syncs "Nature of the Beast" while slinking around the woods and jabbing his cheekbones at the camera, and Pia's otherworldly fashions (complete with an unflattering side ponytail held in place with a spool) will inspire some embarrassed titters. Still, "Voyage" will produce more groans than guffaws.

And then there's the music. To be fair, there are a few listenable tunes. I liked Rhema's song "21st Century" well enough, and Pia does all right with "When the Rain Begins to Fall" and "Little Bit of Heaven" (both songs hits in Europe), but otherwise the music ranges from forgettable to out-and-out terrible. Though more in her element, the quality of Pia's vocals is often inconsistent. Not helping is "Let's Dance Tonight," a retread of one of Zadora's cheesiest efforts, "Rock it Out," down to pushing the star aside so back-up singers can shout the chorus over and over again (which amounts to shouting the song's title, over and over again). No wonder people were so astonished when she belted out pop standards on the 1985 album "Pia & Phil". As for the dancing, well, it's energetic!

"Voyage" isn't the worst movie in Pia's filmography. It is, however, the worst in many of her co-stars': La Placa, Berryman, Gordon, the band Rhema. Even Sheffer, whose credits include such gems as "Killer Virus" and "Merlin: The Return," probably winces when reminded of his lead role as Pia's bubble-butted boyfriend. Yet "Voyage" retains some charm as harmless, extra-cheesy fun, even if it ultimately fails to live up to its potential as an ahead-of-its-time "Earth Girls Are Easy" and is instead a forerunner to 1989's "Dr. Alien." Then again, "Voyage," "Earth Girls Are Easy" and "Dr. Alien" would make a helluva Bluray triple feature, so feel free to run with that idea, Shout Factory.