Bob Hoskins credited as playing...
Eddie Valiant
- Jessica Rabbit: You don't know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.
- Eddie Valiant: You don't know how hard it is being a man looking at a woman looking the way you do.
- Jessica Rabbit: I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
- [Judge Doom about to "dip" Roger]
- Eddie Valiant: Hey, Judge. Doesn't a dying rabbit deserve a last request?
- Roger Rabbit: Yeah, nose plugs would be nice.
- Eddie Valiant: I think you want a drink. So, how about it, Judge?
- Judge Doom: Well, why not? I don't mind prolonging the execution.
- Eddie Valiant: Happy trails.
- Roger Rabbit: No thanks, Eddie. I'm trying to cut down.
- Eddie Valiant: Drink the drink.
- Roger Rabbit: But I don't want the drink.
- Judge Doom: He doesn't want the drink.
- Eddie Valiant: He does.
- Roger Rabbit: I don't.
- Eddie Valiant: You do.
- Roger Rabbit: I don't.
- Eddie Valiant: You do.
- Roger Rabbit: I don't.
- Eddie Valiant: You do.
- Roger Rabbit: I don't.
- Eddie Valiant: You don't.
- Roger Rabbit: I do.
- Eddie Valiant: You don't.
- Roger Rabbit: I do.
- Eddie Valiant: You don't.
- Roger Rabbit: [taking drink] Listen, when I say I do, that means I do.
- [Roger smokes up, releasing him self from Judge Doom, and Eddie takes out the Weasels]
- Eddie Valiant: You crazy rabbit! I'm out there risking my neck for you, and what are you doing? Singing and dancing!
- Roger Rabbit: But I'm a toon. Toons are supposed to make people laugh.
- Eddie Valiant: Sit down!
- Roger Rabbit: You don't understand. Those people needed to laugh.
- Eddie Valiant: Then when they're done laughing, they'll call the cops. That guy Angelo would rat on you for a nickel.
- Roger Rabbit: Not Angelo. He'd never turn me in.
- Eddie Valiant: Why? Because you made him laugh?
- Roger Rabbit: That's right! A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have.
- Roger Rabbit: Yeah. Check the probate. Why, my Uncle Thumper had a problem with HIS probate, and he had to take these big pills, and drink lots of water.
- Eddie Valiant: Not prostate, you idiot, PROBATE!
- Eddie Valiant: [Roger managed to slip his arm out of the Handcuffs he and Eddie were attached to] You mean you could've taken your hand out of that cuff at any time?
- Roger Rabbit: No, not at any time, only when it was funny.
- Eddie Valiant: I'm through with taking falls / And bouncing off the walls / Without that gun, I'd have some fun / I'd kick you in the...
- [bottle falls on his head]
- Roger Rabbit: Nose!
- Smart Ass: Nose? That don't rhyme with "walls."
- Eddie Valiant: No, but this does.
- [kicks Smartass in the crotch, propelling him into a vat of Dip]
- Bugs Bunny: [Eddie is falling; Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny, both wearing parachutes, join him] Eh, what's up, Doc? Jumpin' without a parachute? Kinda dangerous, ain't it?
- Eddie Valiant: Yeah.
- Mickey Mouse: Yeah. You could get killed. Ha-ha, ha-ha.
- Eddie Valiant: You guys got a spare?
- Mickey Mouse: Uh, Bugs does.
- Eddie Valiant: Yeah?
- Bugs Bunny: [in a sing-song tone] Yeah, but I don't think you want it.
- Eddie Valiant: I do, I do, give it to me!
- Mickey Mouse: Gee, uh, better let him have it, Bugs.
- Bugs Bunny: Okay, Doc, whatever you say, here's the spare.
- [hands Eddie the spare parachute]
- Eddie Valiant: Thank you.
- Eddie Valiant: Thank you.
- [Mickey and Bugs deploy parachutes; Eddie pulls ripcord on parachute, and a car tire inflates]
- Eddie Valiant: Aw, no! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
- Mickey Mouse: Aw, poor fella. Ha ha.
- Bugs Bunny: Yeah, ain't I a stinker?
- Lena Hyena: [Eddie continues falling until Lena Hyena catches him before he hits the ground] My man!
- [Gives him a stretching kiss, Eddie tumbles backwards away from her a long way]
- Lena Hyena: Come to Lena!
- Eddie Valiant: [Starts running towards him, Eddie rips part of a street line and moves it toward a wall which she runs straight into] Toons. Gets 'em every time.
- Roger Rabbit: What could have possibly happen to you to turn you into such a sourpuss?
- Eddie Valiant: You really want to know? I'll tell you. A toon killed my brother.
- Roger Rabbit: A toon? No!
- Eddie Valiant: Yes, a toon. We were investigating a robbery at the First National Bank of Toontown. Back in those days, me and Teddy liked working Toontown, thought it was a lot of laughs. Anyway, this guy got away with a zillion simoleons. We trailed him to a little dive down on Yukster Street. We went in. Only he got the drop on us, literally. Dropped a piano on us from fifteen stories. Broke my arm, Teddy never made it. I never did find out who that guy was. All I remember was him standing over me laughing, with those burning red eyes, and that high, squeaky voice. He disappeared into Toontown after that.
- Eddie Valiant: [after discovering Doom after being flattened by a Steamroller get up and wobbling to his feet] Holy smoke, he's a Toon!
- Judge Doom: Surprised?
- Eddie Valiant: Not really. That lame-brained freeway idea could only be cooked up by a Toon.
- Judge Doom: Not just ANY Toon...
- [Doom wobbles over to an oxygen tank, puts the valve in his mouth and turns it on. He inflates back to his old self. His hat flies off and his prosthetic eyeballs pop out. Then he turns menacingly to Eddie, his eyes glowing a grim Toon red. Eddie gasps in terror]
- Judge Doom: [voice getting higher, until it reaches a high-pitched squeak] Remember me, Eddie? When I killed your brother, I talked... just... like... THIS!
- [eyes pop out in the shape of daggers]
- Eddie Valiant: Anybody know you're here?
- Roger Rabbit: Nobody. Not a soul, except, uh...
- Eddie Valiant: Who?
- Roger Rabbit: Well, you see, I didn't know where your office was. So I asked the newsboy. He didn't know. So I asked the fireman, the green grocerer, the butcher, the baker, they didn't know! But the liquor store guy... he knew.
- Eddie Valiant: [Grabs Roger and sends him to the door] In other words, the whole damn town knows you're here! Get out!
- Angelo: Hey, I seen a rabbit.
- [Roger gasps]
- Eddie Valiant: Ya see?
- Judge Doom: Where?
- Angelo: He's right here in the bar.
- [puts his arm around Harvey the Invisible Rabbit]
- Angelo: Say hello... Harvey.
- [the whole bar erupts in laughter]
- Roger Rabbit: I told you so.
- Judge Doom: [Explaining his plan to obliterate Toontown] A few weeks ago I had the good providence to stumble upon a plan of the city council. A construction plan of epic proportions. We're calling it a freeway.
- Eddie Valiant: Freeway? What the hell's a freeway?
- Judge Doom: Eight lanes of shimmering cement running from here to Pasadena. Smooth, safe, fast. Traffic jams will be a thing of the past.
- Roger Rabbit: [Crying] No wonder you hate me. If a toon killed my brother, I'd hate me too.
- Eddie Valiant: Come on, don't cry. I don't hate you.
- Roger Rabbit: Yes, you do.
- Eddie Valiant: No, I don't.
- Roger Rabbit: You do hate me. Otherwise, you wouldn't have yanked my ears all those times.
- Eddie Valiant: Well, I'm... I'm sorry I yanked your ears.
- Roger Rabbit: All the times you yanked my ears?
- Eddie Valiant: All the times I yanked your ears.
- Eddie Valiant: So that's why you killed Acme and Maroon? For this freeway? I don't get it.
- Judge Doom: Of course not. You lack vision, but I see a place where people get on and off the freeway. On and off, off and on all day, all night. Soon, where Toontown once stood will be a string of gas stations, inexpensive motels, restaurants that serve rapidly prepared food. Tire salons, automobile dealerships and wonderful, wonderful billboards reaching as far as the eye can see. My God, it'll be beautiful.
- [Bongo catches Eddie spying on Jessica]
- Bongo: What do you think you're doing, chump?
- Eddie Valiant: Who are you calling a chump, chimp?
- [growls, picks up Eddie and carries him to the backstage door and throws Eddie into the garbage]
- Bongo: Don't let me catch your peeping face around here again. Got it?
- [growls and slams the door]
- Eddie Valiant: OOGA-BOOGA!
- Eddie Valiant: A ladies' man, eh?
- Baby Herman: The problem is I got a fifty year old lust and a three year old dinky.
- Eddie Valiant: Yeah. Must be tough.
- Baby Herman: Look, Valiant, the rabbit didn't kill Acme. He's not a murderer, I should know, he's a dear friend of mine. I tell ya Valiant, the whole thing stinks like yesterday's diapers. Look at this. The papers said Acme left no will.
- [Tosses Eddie a Newspaper which shows Marvin Acme with a will in the pocket of his shirt]
- Baby Herman: That's a load of succotash. Any toon knows Acme had a will. He promised to leave Toontown to us toons. That will is the real reason he got bumped off.
- Eddie Valiant: Has anybody ever seen this will?
- Baby Herman: Ah, no. But he gave us his solemn oath.
- Eddie Valiant: If you think that guy could do anything solemn, the gag's on you, pal.
- Baby Herman: I just thought that since you were the one who got my pal in trouble, you might wanna help get him out. I can pay ya.
- Eddie Valiant: [angry] Save your money for a pair of elevator shoes!
- [pushes stroller]
- Baby Herman: Hey hey hay, Valiant, wait!
- [cigar falls to floor as stroller hits woman]
- Baby Herman: My stogie!
- [sees ruined cigar]
- Baby Herman: WAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAAAAAA! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAA...
- Eddie Valiant: Say, Roger. That letter you wrote to your wife at the Ink and Paint Club? Why don't you read it to her now?
- Roger Rabbit: Sure thing, Eddie. "Dear Jessica: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I, Marvin Acme, of sound mind and body...? It's the will!
- Eddie Valiant: Keep reading.
- Roger Rabbit: "... do hereby bequeath, in perpetuity, the property known as Toontown, to those lovable characters, the toons"!
- Jessica Rabbit: [Aims a gun at Eddie Valiant] Valiant.
- Eddie Valiant: I always knew I'd get it in Toontown.
- [as he turns around, A shadow of Judge Doom with a gun appears on the wall]
- Jessica Rabbit: Behind you!
- [Shoots at the shadow; it falls back and the gun drops on the floor]
- Eddie Valiant: Drop it, lady!
- Jessica Rabbit: I just saved your life, and you still don't trust me?
- Eddie Valiant: I don't trust anybody or anything!
- Jessica Rabbit: Not even your own eyes?
- [Points at the gun on the floor]
- Jessica Rabbit: That's the gun that killed R.K. Maroon, and Doom pulled the trigger.
- Eddie Valiant: Doom?
- Jessica Rabbit: I tracked him to the studio, but I was too late to stop him.
- Judge Doom: [Running down the alley] That's right! You'll never stop me! You're dead! You're both dead!
- Eddie Valiant: Doom!
- [Shoots from his toon gun; Doom turns right and the bullets stop in mid air]
- Bullet #3: Which way did he go?
- Bullet #2: I don't know. He went thataway.
- Bullet #3: Let's go.
- [They turn left, the wrong way]
- Eddie Valiant: Dum-dums.