The Carpenter

Wouldn't it be so much cooler if John Carpenter had directed this movie? Then the box of the VHS could loudly announce "John Carpenter's … The Carpenter"! And also, it probably would have been a much better film if John directed it… "The Carpenter" is a rather weak and laughable 80's slasher movie that desperately tries to add in some deeper psychological themes, but fails. It centers on a beautiful, thirty-something housewife that just got released from a period in a mental institution because she cut up her husband's business suits for no apparent reason. They move into a new countryside house that still needs a lot of renovation and Alice stays indoors whilst her husband cheats on her with a hot blond chick. Meanwhile Alice falls in love with the reincarnation of carpenter Ed (portrayed by 80's stud Wings Hauser). Ed is an old-fashioned workaholic who died in the electric chair 40 years earlier after he went a little berserk and killed some people that didn't allow him to finish his work. Together, Alice and Ed butcher a couple of lazy handymen and talk about dancing. How adorable! It's a pretty ridiculous film overall, with too much talking and only a couple of demented murder scenes to make up for it. The killings are similar to the ones in the 'video-nasty' cult classic "The Toolbox Murders" (a nail gun, a bench vice…) but not nearly as gross or memorable. I always thought Wings Hauser is a bit of an idiot and didn't really like him in this role, neither. His tedious speeches about how "handy-work is holy" are implausible and not exactly terrifying. The climax is just plain retarded.

THE CARPENTER is one of those forgettable direct-to-video films made in the 1980s that was filmed in Canada (probably financed by a Canadian cable network). There's almost nothing memorable about it. Bland cast and acting. Bland story. Bland music. Bland horror. Bland everything. The dull story doesn't fit any known horror category: is it supernatural? slasher? psychological horror? Probably but it's so shallow that calling it a psychological horror is too generous.

So this carpenter (a ghost?) kills all the people that annoy a mentally disturbed woman, who, during the beginning of the film, experienced a nervous breakdown (no reason is given for her breakdown). The film almost works on a feminist level: most of the victims are men and the nonsensical dialogue Wings Hauser spouts throughout the film sounds like feminism 101. But calling this boring horror a feminist statement would be an insult to feminism, whether if one agrees with feminism or not.

Anyway, too many words for a crappy film. There's almost nothing memorable about this film except for one scene: the woman is having a blissful dream with the carpenter. They're both dressed in white and dance cheek to cheek to music when the carpenter, at one point, unzips himself and the woman screams in horror at what she sees off-screen: we hear the sound of a drill. The carpenter has a drill for a penis. Totally ludicrous scene which made me laugh out loud. Had THE CARPENTER had more scenes like this, it would have been much more entertaining.

Released from hospital after a nervous breakdown, Alice Jarett (Lynne Adams) moves into a country house with her philandering husband Martin (Pierre Lenoir), who has employed a team of workmen to renovate the property. At night, after the workmen have gone home and as Martin sleeps (having taken tranqs), Alice hears noises and investigates, discovering a lone carpenter (played by straight-to-video star Wings Hauser) hard at work. The genial craftsman befriends the flaky housewife, and becomes her guardian angel, using his handy array of power-tools to take care of those who mean to do her harm. It eventually transpires that Alice's new friend is the ghost of Ed, the man who originally built their home, and who was executed in the electric chair after killing those who tried to repossess his property.

I first saw The Carpenter in the wee hours at an all-night horror festival and struggled to stay focused thanks to the film's rather slow pace. But even with me wide awake this time around, the languorous approach still made this one drag quite a bit. As the carpenter with a screw loose (pun intended), Hauser absolutely nails it (pun also intended), being both charismatic and menacing, and there are a couple of reasonably bloody death scenes, but for much of the time I was bored (bored... board... geddit? OK, I was struggling with that one!).

From producer Jack Bravman, a man who worked on such films as "Snuff" and "Zombie Nightmare", comes this goofy but fun horror movie, pretty much the working definition of the word offbeat.

Written by Doug Taylor and directed by David Wellington, "The Carpenter" tells the story of poor Alice (Lynne Adams), a woman with an uncaring and unfaithful husband, Martin (Pierre Lenoir). Alice has had a nervous breakdown, and after getting out of the hospital, she moves with the hubby into a country estate being renovated. She finds that every night after every other worker has gone home, a mysterious carpenter (Wings Hauser) continues to toil away, because after all, a job's not done until it's done. Words to live by. Anyway, she finds herself enticed by this guy, to the point where she looks forward to seeing him all the time.

"The Carpenter" is an amusing Canuck horror flick that this viewer wouldn't really consider a slasher, and would concede may not have enough action, gore, or kills for some tastes. And, truthfully, it's a little disappointing that there isn't more gore when The Carpenter is busy eliminating any unpleasant person on the premises using his assorted implements (nail gun, power drill, etc.). But, in the end, what I like about this is how crazy it is, even as it tries to employ a psychological approach. What is The Carpenter to Alice - an angel or a devil?

Some moments in this movie are so silly, and so hilarious, it's hard to believe Bravman and company didn't have their tongues in their cheeks, at least to some degree, and it's just too entertaining to see Hauser and Adams indulge in some fairly serious conversations, as Wings waxes poetic on the nature of masculinity and the problem that arises when men get too far removed from good, honest, hard physical labor. Men have to take PRIDE in what they do, damn it!

Wings fans can note that he's in fine form, as he plays this nutty character who can be stern, sadistic, creepy, likeable, and charming all at the same time, as he imparts upon others his own sense of morality. Adams, Lenoir and the other actors are just okay at best; they certainly pale in comparison to the dynamic star of this thing. Ron Lea, however, is a hoot as the jovial local sheriff who provides exposition in a manner that's anything but boring.

Filmed on various Quebec locations, "The Carpenter" may eventually end up with a rather conventional finish, but until then it's pretty engaging - and, I dare say, under-rated - stuff.

Seven out of 10.

"The Carpenter" is not likely to win many fans from the guts and gore crowd. The carpentry tool killings are so over the top, that they are only going to hold interest for admirers of "black comedy". Throw in at least average acting, a story with some originality for a change, and of course a deranged Wings Hauser. Since my girlfriend didn't leave the room and kept watching, even after arms were being cut off with a circular saw, I can confirm a certain romantic angle that I didn't see coming. Without the presence of Wings, this is completely forgettable. Wings fans will not be disappointed. In good conscience I cannot recommend this as a date movie, but I do recommend "The Carpenter" as a good dark comedy. - MERK