Margaret Whitton credited as playing...
Rachel Phelps
- Board Member 1: I've never heard of half of these guys, and the ones I do know are way past their prime.
- Charlie Donovan: Most of these guys never had a prime.
- Rachel Phelps: The fact is, we lost our two best players to free agency. We haven't won a pennant in over 35 years, we haven't placed higher than fourth in the last 15. Obviously, it's time for some changes.
- Board Member 2: This guy here is dead!
- Rachel Phelps: Cross him off, then!
- Rachel Phelps: [Charlie and Rachel are having a meeting about the team] Any ideas?
- Charlie Donovan: On how we can get worse?
- Rachel Phelps: Mmmmm...
- Charlie Donovan: How about a series of fines for good play? Maybe a $30,000 bonus to the guy voted Least Valuable Player.
- Rachel Phelps: Maybe the problem is... we're coddling these guys too much. Yeah!
- Rachel Phelps: I think he'll fit right in with our team concept.
- Charlie Donovan: That reminds me, I was going to ask you: What exactly *is* our team concept?
- Charlie Donovan: Vaughn's been looking good out there today.
- Rachel Phelps: Don't worry, he'll blow it.
- Lou Brown: Oh, this old body could use a soak...
- Roger Dorn: Yeah, but you won't like it too much,'cause it ain't working again.
- Lou Brown: Dammit, I thought that they were gonna replace this thing!
- Eddie Harris: [Coming in] Hey! there's no hot water in here!
- Lou Brown: I've had it with this nickel-and-dime stuff! I want that bitch on the phone!
- Rachel Phelps: [Coming in] You wanna talk to the bitch?
- Lou Brown: Yeah.
- Rachel Phelps: Shouldn't you cover yourself up with a towel, Mr. Brown?
- Lou Brown: We're out of towels. And I'm too old to go diving into lockers.
- Rachel Phelps: I can take it if you can.
- Lou Brown: What happened to the new whirlpool we were supposed to get?
- Rachel Phelps: Our budget has forced us to cut back on equipment.
- Rachel Phelps: [Knocks on Vaughn's athletic cup]
- Rachel Phelps: Ooh, cups still work though. Guess you're gonna have to fix the old whirlpool.
- Lou Brown: We've fixed it six times already! Now there's no hot water in the shower!
- Rachel Phelps: The pipes in this building are old and rusty.
- Lou Brown: How am I supposed to take care of my players with no hot water and no therapy equipment?
- Rachel Phelps: Your players have to get a little tougher. What are they, a bunch of pansies?
- [while holding a pair of leopard briefs]
- Rachel Phelps: [the rest of the team makes an obscene gesture behind her back]
- Lou Brown: Over 162 games and even tough guys get strains... Sore arms... Muscle pulls...
- Rachel Phelps: It's only temporary. If I can get anybody to watch this team, none of this would be necessary.
- Rachel Phelps: [walking out]
- Rachel Phelps: You're lucky I can still afford to pay your salary.
- [first lines]
- Rachel Phelps: Good morning, gentlemen, and welcome to another season of Indians baseball.