Randy Quaid credited as playing...
Cousin Eddie Johnson
- Ellen: What are you looking at?
- Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
- [Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
- Eddie: Shitter was full.
- Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
- Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
- Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.
- Clark: So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?
- Eddie: Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?
- Clark: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway.
- [Raises glass to his mouth]
- Eddie: Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.
- [Clark nearly chokes on his drink]
- Eddie: Don't go puttin' none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced, cause every time Catherine revved up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at the VA they had to replace it with plastic. It ain't as strong so I don't know if I should go sailin down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
- Clark: You really think it matters, Eddie?
- [Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet]
- Eddie: Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.
- Eddie: Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.
- Frances: [looking at Ruby Sue surprised] Oh my gosh, her eyes aren't crossed anymore.
- Eddie: That somethin' ain't it? She falls down a well, her eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back to normal. I don't know.
- [laughs]
- Eddie: And this here's our pride and joy Snots.
- [Snots blusters a sneeze]
- Clark: Pretty name Ed.
- Eddie: [Snots puts his snotty nose on Rusty, and he makes a disgusted face] Yeah we named him that because he's got this sinus condition. Snots you roll over and let uncle Clark scratch your belly. You ain't never seen a set on a dog like this one's got, Clark.
- [Ellen looks on, intently]
- Clark: [the Christmas dinner table shudders, and loud gagging noises come from underneath. Clark looks to see where its coming from and sees Snots choking] Hey, Ed, what's wrong with the dog?
- Eddie: [Looks underneath the table] Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.
- [Grotesque barfing noises]
- Eddie: He's got it up!
- [Winks at Clark that everything's okay]
- Clark: Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table?
- Eddie: No. No, he's probably just been nosing through the trash.
- [Shows kitchen, which looks like the city dump]
- Mr. Frank Shirley: I have never been treated like this in my life!
- Ellen: I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.
- Mr. Frank Shirley: [to Clark] You're fired! And where's the phone? I'm calling the police!
- Eddie: Now, just hold your wad there, fella. Clark had nothin' to do with this. This here, was my idea.
- Mr. Frank Shirley: All right, he's still fired. And, *you*, are going to jail!
- [Eddie scoffs in clear disbelief]
- Clark: No, no, Eddie. It was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus and I guess I said a few thing I shouldn't have.
- Mr. Frank Shirley: Bonus? How did you get a bonus?
- [aggressively]
- Mr. Frank Shirley: I cut out bonuses this year!
- Clark: Well, thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check. Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. Seventeen years with the company. I've gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. You don't want to give bonuses, fine! But when people count on them as their salary, well what you did just plain...
- Rusty Griswold: Sucky.
- Clark: Thanks, Russ. My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
- Clark: Appreciate that, Clark.
- Clark: Is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this, on behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.
- [dramatic pause]
- Mr. Frank Shirley: Look uh, sometimes things look good on paper. But lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks. I guess a healthy bottom line doesn't mean much if to get it you have to hurt the ones you depend on. It's people that make the difference. Little people like you. So... Clark, whatever you got last year... add
- [light pause]
- Mr. Frank Shirley: twenty percent.
- [the whole family gasps in relief, while Clark falls down]