Deadly Manor

Some friends break down and don't want to stay in the car as it thunderstorms, so they hike to an abandoned house, let themselves in, and are surprised when a masked killer does away with them for breaking into their house.

Nothing about Deadly Manor makes any sense. Even the premise itself is silly. What rational group of people would all nod their heads and say "yes" to the idea of breaking into a creepy looking mansion in the middle of nowhere just so they won't have to stay in their car as it rains? Even at under 90 minutes, the film drags because we can't relate to any of these people why they're doing what they're doing. You'd think that, knowing their premise was inept, they'd at least try to spice it up with some clever kills here and there, but I can't remember a single kill in this movie and I watched it last night.

I'm trying to understand what would possess a bunch of people to say "hey, let's break into this creepy house because it's about to rain. Even if someone lives there, I'm sure they won't mind." Was this a thing people used to do or was it always something that only ever happened in bad B-movies?

Other than that, Deadly Manor also happens to be one of the most boring movies I've ever seen in my life.

Director Joseph Larraz's first venture into the slasher genre - Edge of the axe - was a fairly decent attempt with an interesting premise, plenty of gore and a likable if not immensely talented cast. I had high expectations for his second effort and hoped that the six-year gap between the two films had given him time to improve on his promising hack and slash debut. Deadly Manor was released during the 'silent years' of the slasher genre; a fair time after the boom of the eighties had died down and three years before Wes Craven revived things with his semi-parody, Scream.

Six youngsters head out on a camping trip deep into the wilderness where one of them knows of a beautiful lake. On the drive through the long winding roads, the group loose their way and pick up a mysterious hitchhiker that says he knows how to get to the area that they're seeking. As the warm summer day gives way to a stormy night sky, the gang decides that they better find some shelter for the night. As they search the woodland for a place to settle, they come across an eerie derelict mansion shrouded by the darkness of the surrounding trees. Curiosities arise when they discover a car-wreck statue in the front garden that looks like some kind of bizarre shrine. On closer exploration of the premises they discover coffins in the basement and an array of photos of a beautiful woman. Although they feel uneasy, the weather has become unbearable outside and they realise that the only option is to stay for the night. Before long a masked psycho begins to brutally murder the kids one by one. But what is the reason for these ruthless unprovoked murders?

Wow, what a difference six years can make, is this really the same guy? Any credibility Larraz garnered from the positive aspects of his previous stalk and slash attempt has been completely shattered by this inane and ultimately yawn-inducing mess of a movie. He's replaced an unknown cast - that at least showed potential - with actors so wooden, they make my neighbour's picket fence look plastic. An interesting premise has been ditched in favour of a synopsis so asinine that you'll cringe every time one of the dumb bimbos wanders off to their doom. Finally he seems to have strangely lost any sense of creativity or flair that looked so promising in his earlier work. Now I know that the ability to act convincingly is a skill that isn't easy to come by. Of all the dramatic performances we see year after year, probably a mere 40% are worthy of further recognition. However, these guys are so flat it's like they had lost a fight with a steamroller just before they turned up for the shoot. What the hell was wrong with them? Were they reading from a well-hidden autocue? I wonder what the cast themselves made of their performances when they watched them back? I'd love to find out. Did they think that the next stop was Hollywood's walk of fame? Did they believe that the next movie would be the one that gets their first nomination? OK, so I'm being a little cruel. But look at it this way; I'm an awful shopper, so I stay well clear of supermarkets. These guys should have avoided any film making equipment in a similar fashion.

I must mention the set locations that were satisfactorily spooky for the most part and did at least create a credibly creepy backdrop. But even this positive sheen was ruined by the awfully inadequate lighting. The murders are mainly bloodless and poorly staged and if you're watching this snooze marathon late at night, you'll probably fall asleep during the long and boring character development that precedes the first lacklustre slaughter. Yes, if you suffer from insomnia then here's a good alternative to sleep aids that will almost guarantee a cosy night's rest!

Now I realise that it's customary for a slasher victim to be as dumb as possible. It would be no fun if a young Einstein outsmarted the masked maniac at every turn, would it? Unfortunately these guys take the biscuit when it comes to stupidity. In fact they run off with the whole pack. It begins to get a little tedious after a while as they continue stating the obvious and overacting like Ashton Kutcher on speed.

There's really not too much left to say about Deadly Manor. I could go on about the obvious plot holes that you could park a jumbo jet in, but I'll save you the boredom of reading about them. The one thing that the movie has got going for it is a deep-rooted moral to its story. If ever you're out in the woods and you discover an 'abandoned' house that has coffins in the basement, strange occult signatures garnishing the walls and human's scalps lying around freely on the mantelpiece, then it's a good idea NOT to just ignore these signs and think that they're just 'inspired' décor. Instead you should realise someone with a severe mental impediment must be nearby and it's a good idea to get in your car and head for somewhere else... on the double! This is utter trash I'm afraid and I thoroughly recommend you avoid it....

A group of friends headed to a lake for a little weekend fun pick up a dangerous hitchhiker and then they stop off at a seemingly deserted mansion instead of sleeping in their car when it gets dark. Little do they know that the house is inhabited by a psychotic killer who will spend the rest of the evening dispatching of them in the most boring ways imaginable.

Deadly Manor's plotting is so nonsensical it sometimes feel like watching someone else's dream. People pick up and believe random hitchhikers, they walk into creepy mansions that don't belong to them to sleep, they go off and investigate strange noises in the night, etc. The acting is about as good as this story deserves, which is to say that it's equally as uninteresting. Nothing about this movie makes any sense and, even worse, it's pretty boring and doesn't even have a few stylish death scenes to make up for it.

DEADLY MANOR (1990) 6 out of 10 stars Time to Read: 2:20 min

BASIC PLOT: A group of teenagers go to a lake to enjoy a weekend of camping. On the way, they get lost, and pick up a hitchhiker, Jack (Clark Tufts). He's about their age, and says he knows the way. Jack informs them they are still too far away to make it before dark, and they'd better find someplace to bed down for the night. Rod (Mark Irish) picks an isolated road, drives down it, and instead of finding someplace to camp, finds a giant, creepy, apparently abandoned house.

Tony (Greg Rhodes), Rod and Peter (Jerry Kernion) think they have hit the jackpot. It's starting to rain, it's supposed to be cold outside tonight, and now they'll have a warm, dry place to sleep. But Helen (Claudia Franjul) refuses to stay, saying the house feels evil, and besides, she swears she saw someone close an upstairs window. The other girls, Susan (Elizabeth Baldwin) and Anne (Kathleen Patane) also don't want to stay. It feels wrong, and it has a strange shrine to a car accident outside of it, full of blood and pictures of an alluring, redheaded woman (Jennifer Delora).

Who is this strange, redheaded woman, and why are there pictures of her all over this seemingly abandoned house? Did Helen really see someone in the window, and will the others come to regret not to listening to her more closely?

WHAT WORKS: *EXCELLENT ATMOSPHERIC The house chosen as the setting was very creepy, and in need of TLC. It was the perfect backdrop to the story.

*FANTASTIC MISDIRECTION There were lots of twists and turns, and I couldn't figure out what the actual plot was. Is it a vampire movie, is that why there are coffins in the basement? Does Tony know the mysterious redheaded woman? Is Jack involved? They did pick him up right before they found the house. I didn't know the answers to any of these questions until the very end, and that's a miracle for this type of movie.

*GOOD CAST OF CHARACTERS decent variation of characters made for a more interesting story.

WHAT DOESN'T WORK: *ACTING COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER It wasn't terrible for the type of movie it was, but it could have been better.

*THE KIDS ARE IN THE "TOO STUPID TO LIVE" CATEGORY If you break into a place, and there's a nutter wall, that should be your cue to leave. But not for these kids! They found shrines to car accidents, coffins in the basement, and psycho scrapbooks, and still, these kids don't know when to leave!

*THE KILLS AREN'T VERY INVENTIVE OR DISGUSTING I know that's not the point, it's about finding out who the killer is, and why he's killing, but still, the kills could have been different from one another, more bloody, and more inventive.

*GOOFS - SUSAN'S HEARTBEAT SHOWS IN BLOOD By pooling blood in the crook of Susan's neck, it moves every time her heartbeats. It shouldn't have been placed there, because it's an obvious goof.

*WHY DIDN'T THE COUPLE CLIP THE MOTORCYCLISTS WITH THEIR CAR? If your being chased by a motorcycle gang, and all they're using is their helmets to hit your car, try flicking your wheel to the left or right, and watch them kill each other, as they spill down the road. Just saying.

TO RECOMMEND, OR NOT TO RECOMMEND, THAT IS THE QUESTION: *I would recommend this film. It's a great atmospheric, it keeps you guessing, and it's silly, mindless fun. Turn off your brain, and enjoy!

CLOSING NOTES: *THIS IS A LOW BUDGET HORROR MOVIE, please keep that in mind before you watch/rate it. These types of movies have a much lower budget, and so your expectations should be adjusted.

*I HAVE NO CONNECTION TO THE FILM, or production in ANY way. This review was NOT written in full, or in part, by a bot. I am just an honest viewer, who wishes for more straight forward reviews (less trolls and fanboys), and better entertainment. Hope I helped you out.