Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans

I didn't think anyone else had even heard of the Deathstalker films, let alone actually owned them - so when I saw this 'un on sale for a couple of quid second-hand, the appalling decision had already been made...

It's not a good film, obviously. In fact it's pretty terrible. I can't say just how terrible it is in relation to its three predecessors, because they were experienced way back in my murky, impressionable childhood and the only bits I can remember are the bits that were inexplicably recycled in this one.

But the real tragedy of Match of Titans is that while it's certainly a long way from the likes of the Conan films in terms of production values and, well... everything, really, it's also not quite inept enough to be funny. Don't get me wrong, the scale of incompetence runs pretty high considering it's the fourth instalment in a series, but when it comes to the crunch Rick Hill goes and ruins everything by turning in an inappropriately decent performance. Maria Ford's worth looking at, too. Not worth watching, mind you, but definitely worth looking at. There's a difference.

Still, the 'special' 'effects' are well down to standard for the genre, as are the 'plot', 'dialogue' and 'continuity'. And I can only speculate that the 'fight scenes' were choreographed by a couple of arthritic, wheelchair-bound 85-year-olds drunk on gin, which is great for a film entirely based around a hand-to-hand combat tournament. So it's not all bad, then.

Wait...there are four Deathstalkers, if they keep this up they can have their own convention!!

Its better than part 3 and that's the only redeeming feature about this....feature.

You would see better action watching Beaches.

As you might have expected this is another cheap and shoddy sword and sorcery flick from Corman's trash factory. Not nearly as fun as Deathstalker I or II, but at least the character is back in his relaxed, tongue-in-cheek mode, unlike the too serious Deathstalker from part III. You get some bad swordfights, self-parodic machismo, gladiator action, nasty leather-lesbians, lion-men, stone-soldiers and lots of T&A. And of course once again you get to enjoy some Concorde "classic" scenes, like: "Man being dragged through the woods by a horse", "Pigman eats pork" and "thinny, hyperactive gladiator in stupid viking helmet uses penis-violence and is beaten to a pulp by a fat, hairy giant with a club".

This movie is one of those that really, really needed to have either a) an extended scene of a naked woman or b) a naked woman in a dungeon being put to the question by an evil wizard. Heck, make it two extended scenes and two wizards. As it is, we get one topless female changing clothes and a whole lot of missed opportunities to show naked women. That's it.

This is the the last of the "Deathstalker" series movies (so far). If someone out there wants to do a fifth one, I suggest you call Lana Clarkson back on the set, throw her in a dungeon, and get her topless on a rack with a couple of wizards looking on. Heck, get Brinke Stevens in there, too. She showed the world that she can squirm with the best of 'em in "Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity". Maybe film it in Russia to save cash and use that money to hire an ensemble of sword-toting women and throw them in the dungeon, too. And at the end of the movie Rick Hill can come along and free them all. Or even better, Rick Hill can get thrown in the dungeon and everyone can get bumped off and finally end a series that should've ended after the first movie.

Now that'd be something much more interesting than "Deathstalker II", "DS III", and "DS IV".

Lana, where are you when we need you?

You would think that a movie that features a former 'Penthouse Magazine' model would be a bit better than this snoozer flick. The fourth (and perhaps last) of the 'Deathstalker' series movies is probably the most ambitious but second-most miserable failure of them all (though 'Deathstalker 2' was even worse).

It's the usual plot - adventuring hero teams up with beautiful female warrior and frees a city from an evil ruler. So what do you get in between the covers? Well, some good opportunities for Maria Ford to show her 'talents' are wasted for one thing. I would think that if her character was in love with Deathstalker, that there would be at least one scene with intimacy. She also has the ability to keep her clothes on in a fight. Also, every castle has a dungeon, yet we never see anybody being tortured (or even half-dressed). So what's the point of having a dungeon in the first place? And worse than that, with all of the swords being swung about, the gore is a bit slight.

If there's going to be a 'Deathstalker 5', the producers would be wise to give us what we expect in a 'B'-level movie: skin, a couple of torture scenes, and blood.