Guns

Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez play sexpot federal agents in their first outing for writer / director Andy Sidaris. Donna Hamilton and Nicole Justin must foil the plans of bad guy Degas (Erik Estrada), a gun runner who continually sends hired guns after the two women. But Donna and Nicole have plenty of allies - the standard assortment of movie protagonists who make up for in visual appeal what they lack in acting ability - and firepower at their disposal.

Sidaris is once again following his expected formula to a tee - action, eye candy, exotic settings. You know the drill. Still, fervent Sidaris fans will likely enjoy the various goings-on, especially the way that he will always contrive ways to have the lovely ladies bare as much skin as possible. Fortunately, his sense of cheesy humour is apparent once again as well, and among the highlights along the way are a pair of assassins (Chu Chu Malave, Richard Cansino) who often dress in drag, a grenade sent by remote control boat, and a corpulent, cheerful good guy named Ace (veteran actor Chuck McCann, "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter") whose day job is magician for a night club. He interrogates two inept villains in a way that would make any "bad cop" proud.

Estrada does look like he's relishing this rare chance to be the bad guy, plus it's good to see grizzled tough guy actor Danny Trejo as his primary henchman. Overall, "Guns" is pretty similar to its follow-up, "Do or Die", and features a number of the same cast members, including Malave and Cansino. In the latter movie, they supplied heavy comedy relief. Here, they play it a little more "straight", even as they doll themselves up. Cynthia Brimhall sings two songs quite nicely. Devin DeVasquez ("Society") plays Degas' gal pal who wants to prove her worth as a killer, Phyllis Davis ("Beyond the Valley of the Dolls") is Speirs' mother, and George Cheung (the Vietnamese heavy in "Rambo: First Blood Part II") appears briefly.

Oh, and the story? Dumb as hell, but who ever watches *these* things for the story?

Six out of 10.

"Guns" was an easy way to kill an afternoon with some friends. The low budget action is passable but it's the women and the nudity that keep your attention. Not a lemon in the bunch. I don't plan on watching "Guns" again. I don't even think I'll remember much of it tomorrow. I do hope I remember what was maybe the greatest piece of dialogue ever: "Don't do something, stand there!" Honorable mention: a dreamy Roberta Vasquez.

This is the 5th out of my 12 reviews for the works of Andy Sidaris, in chronological order. Gangster Degas (Erik Estrada) tries to get a few agents out of the way so he can ship weapons from China to South America via Hawaii. But Donna Hamilton (Dona Speir) doesn't give up easily, because Degas killed her father years ago. So even if pistols seem good enough for others, Donna prefers a rocket launcher to blast baddies to pieces. Roberta Vasquez poses with a leather bikini on a motorbike at sunset, while Cynthia Brimhall has a special appearance as a nightclub singer. Chuck McCann gets the best line when he interrogates two suspects: "What is the difference between a terrorist and a magician?" They quickly find out! "Guns" isn't one of the best of the series, but it's got its moments.

Boy...does this director Sidaris like to blow s**t up-but he just ain't good at it. The special effects look like they were staged in a six year olds sandbox. But you get some sweet eye candy in ex-Playboy Bunnies Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez-unfortunately, both have no concept to emoting. And, without a doubt, you get (maybe) THE worst line ever uttered in a low-budget actioneer:

As bombs (or whatever) are blowing up around poor Dona she grabs some kind of plastic assault rifle and hollers at her male partner "Don't just do something...stand there!" and proceeds to shoot up the horizon. How can you not love it?

***** stars out of 10-mainly for the luscious Ms. Vasquez. BOING!

When I was a wee tot I never cared about superfluous things like plot, characterization or people yakkin' exposition for more than 30 seconds. What I wanted to see was the car chases, explosions, high kicks and bikini girls with machine guns. Happy happy happy, joy joy joy! Of course, one day we have to grow old and abide to the rules of Society, that forces us to become, uh, "sophisticated". We ditch Hollywood blockbusters in public and pretend to like Finnish art movies and David Lynch. But deep down inside, in the heart of that happy child we once were, we really want to get home in time for the Baywatch rerun. And that, friends and foes, is the spirit of Sidaris' work. I've seen the polls at IMDb and voters aren't fond of Andy's flims. They're completely missing the point AND the fun.