Joe E. Brown credited as playing...
Ossie Simpson
- [Ossie and Jack are in a diner getting breakfast, and after the waitress brings them their food, Ossie knocks the salt shaker over, spilling the salt]
- Ossie Simpson: Oops. Spilled the salt.
- [Ossie starts pouring the salt over his left shoulder, dumping it on Pancho, who is sitting right next to him]
- Pancho: Hey! Look!
- [Pancho points to the salt on his shoulder]
- Ossie Simpson: Ah! Dandruff!
- [Pancho and Ossie are in a heated argument]
- Pancho: If I were not in a hurry, I would wait outside!
- Ossie Simpson: I wouldn't wait.
- [writing notes down in his notebook]
- Ossie Simpson: Monday - Jack flirted with waitress. Knows a good dish when he sees one. Period.
- Jack Hackett: Well, we better make up our minds where we're going. Say, how about abroad?
- Ossie Simpson: Your father said no women.
- Jack Hackett: Well, when do you think we'll get there?
- Ossie Simpson: We'll never get there at the rate you're goin'.
- Jack Hackett: What do you mean at the rate I'm goin'? You're driving.
- Ossie Simpson: Yes. But, you're stopping. We haven't passed a girl yet. Made four stops, the last five girls.
- Ossie Simpson: First, we've got to decide where we're going. - - - California!
- Jack Hackett: Why California?
- Ossie Simpson: Sunshine! Sun kissed oranges. Sun kissed lemons. Sun kissed mountains. And Sun kissed - Mamas.
- Jack Hackett: Gertie, you're a peach! I can't tell you how I feel about you.
- Gertie Gardner: Oh, Jack.
- Ossie Simpson: I'll say she is. She's a whole orchard! And believe me, you do look swell in that negligee.
- Jack Hackett: You're a sweetheart.
- Gertie Gardner: Oh, Jack.
- Ossie Simpson: Oh, Gertie you were marvelous!
- Jack Hackett: You bet your life.
- Jack Hackett: Ah, you and your philosophy.
- Ossie Simpson: Well, things could be worse.
- Jack Hackett: What could be worse than losing the girl you love?
- Ossie Simpson: Losing two girls you love!
- Ossie Simpson: We're tryin' to get there in a hurry and you stop to help a dame milk a cow!
- Jack Hackett: Aww, milk's the best thing in the world for you. I was brought up on milk!
- Ossie Simpson: Yeah, but you weren't brought up on milk maids.
- Jack Hackett: Aww, can it.
- Ossie Simpson: I hope we don't pass a poultry farm.
- Jack Hackett: Why not?
- Ossie Simpson: You'll probably stop to help some hen lay an egg.
- Ossie Simpson: Don't write to women. No matter how far away you are, phone 'em! In the end, a long distance call is cheaper than a two cent stamp.
- Penny Packer: I don't like her. She had no right to give you her room number.
- Ossie Simpson: Ah, she's all right. I feel sorry for her. She had a tough break last year in New York. She lost practically every friend she had.
- Penny Packer: What happened?
- Ossie Simpson: The Fleet sailed away.
- Ossie Simpson: Just a minute. Send me the cigarette girl.
- Maitre d': Oh. Oh, you want cigarettes?
- Ossie Simpson: No, no. Just the girl.
- [last lines]
- Ossie Simpson: Ah, Penny, I'm so happy, I'm gonna work my head off for you - until we have a bank full of dollars and a house full of Pennies.
- Penny Packer: Oh, my Ossie!
- Jack Hackett: [while they're on the road] When do we eat?
- Ossie Simpson: We'll eat at the next town.
- Jack Hackett: What town are we coming to?
- Ossie Simpson: I don't... there's a sign.
- Jack Hackett: What town is it?
- Ossie Simpson: Goslow.
- Jack Hackett: *Goslow*?
- Ossie Simpson: Yep.
- Jack Hackett: [Jack sees the sign] That's "Go Slow", you fool!
- Ossie Simpson: Oh-ho, so it is.
- [Jack glares at him]
- Ossie Simpson: I can be wrong, you know.