Joe E. Brown credited as playing...
Calvin Jones
- Calvin Jones: [after seeing some flamboyant chorus boys in cowboy outfits and wearing make-up at a Broadway restuaurant] They may be cowboys; but, they ain't from Texas.
- Calvin Jones: [looking at menu from Ruby's "Kosher" Restaurant] Pardon me, I guess I ain't used to these kinda chuck-houses they have around these parts.
- Joe Lehman: Well, can I help you?
- Calvin Jones: Yeah; what is this 'matzoh balls'? Sounds like Navajo food to me!
- Joe Lehman: Yes, that's Indian. Food from a lost tribe.
- Depot Bum: Say, buddy, could ya spare a dime for a poor guy to get somethin' to eat?
- Calvin Jones: Are ya hungry?
- Depot Bum: Pal, I'm starving.
- Calvin Jones: Well, I'll be doggone. Come on and I'll buy ya a meal.
- Depot Bum: Oh, I'm sorry, boss; but, right now, I can't leave my stand.
- Calvin Jones: Oh, okay, well let me know when you're gonna have a day off.
- Calvin Jones: [Reading a NYC menu] What's this - borscht?
- Joe Lehman: Borscht? That's nothing but beet soup.
- Calvin Jones: Yeah? Kind of a highfalutin name for just ordinary, common, home-grown, beets, ain't it?
- Joe Lehman: This is Broadway, you know. Everything isn't what it seems.
- Calvin Jones: Yes sir, I can see that. Guess I gotta, kinda, watch my step along this lighted cowpath.
- Joe Lehman: Just in from Oklahoma, eh?
- Calvin Jones: Texas.
- Joe Lehman: Oh, I mean, Texas. Great state, Mack, Texas. Great people. Great climate. Oh, by the way, have you met my partner, Mr. McClure?
- Mack: Why how are you Mr. - ?
- Calvin Jones: Jones. Calvin Jones.
- Joe Lehman: Well, sweetheart, how'd you like the show?
- Calvin Jones: [Looks around] Oh, you mean me? Oh, say the show was a rip snorter! And women - whoopie!
- Calvin Jones: I guess you heard me talkin' to myself. It's an old, it's an old cowboy habit. We, we always do that when we're ridin' the range - alone. Makes it much more interesting, 'cause we never know what answer we're gonna give ourselves.
- Calvin Jones: I heard what you said in there, just now, Ruth; about bein' paid to be nice to me.
- Ruth Weston: Well, what if you did? If you didn't know 'til now, it's high time you woke up and found out!
- Calvin Jones: You sure played your part good. Gosh, you got me just - goofy about ya.
- Miss Martin: Is this what I'm asked to give a performance in?
- Calvin Jones: Well, what's the matter with it?
- Miss Martin: What's the matter with it? He asks me what's the matter with it! It's impossible! My following, they'll think I'm insane. I look like a horse!
- Calvin Jones: Not when you're standing up, you don't.
- Calvin Jones: There's a cab waitin' at the curb. Go downstairs and get into it.
- Ruth Weston: Calvin, hadn't you better come with me?
- Calvin Jones: Don't you worry none about me, honey. I'll be along in a minute. I got some *business* with these tarantulas!
- Calvin Jones: [Lets out a loud whoop, which frightens the Hebrew horse-cart driver] That's a yell I use on Longhorns! Got one I use on hogs, too. Wanna' hear it?
- The Hebrew: [the Hebrew lets out a long string of Yiddish, accompanied by much hand gesturing]
- Calvin Jones: Guess you're a native alright. Can't understand a word you said!
- Mack: [Calvin is putting his pistols in his pockets] Say, are those things loaded?
- Calvin Jones: Right to the hilt!
- Joe Lehman: You carry 'em around loose like that?
- Calvin Jones: Say, I sleep with 'em!
- Mack: Kind of dangerous, ain't it?
- Calvin Jones: Only for the man that I'm shootin' at, ha ha.
- Calvin Jones: I'm the best shot in Rawhide County, Texas. I can core a plum at 200 paces without even wrinkling the skin.
- [Joe and Mack laugh]