Larry Fine credited as playing...
Jim
- Mary's father: [talking to match the background music] That reminds me of a story, listen.
- [points to a fat woman]
- Mary's father: That's my other daughter there. When on her wedding day, the fella she was about to marry, tried to run away. Did you ever hear of a nerve like that? Well, I took care of that guy. In a room I locked him, then I socked him right in the eye.
- [points to a cop]
- Mary's father: Then I turned him over to my brother, the cop. He just picked him up. And spinned him round like a top.
- [points to a tall strong guy]
- Mary's father: Then my other brother, who's a fighter, began. Seemed ashamed to tell you what he did to that man.
- [Jim looks frightened]
- Jim: Did he marry your daughter?
- Mary's father: Did he? I should say he did.
- [points to a man with his foot in a cast and holding a crutch]
- Mary's father: There he is right there. He'll be walking soon. Poor kid.
- Jim: Fellas, I tell you, you got me all wrong! I was minding my own business when that woman came along. Suddenly, she fainted, now I'm asking you: if a woman faints right in your arms, what is there to do? You don't think that I'd fool around with a sappy dame like that? Her eyes are like a cat, and her hair is like a rat.
- Tom: Well, just the same, we signed a paper, and that paper reads: "No woman shall ever enter our lives, no matter what she needs."
- Jack: And the next time you're with a girl, you're gonna forfeit your dough. And furthermore, you have no right...
- Jim: All right! All right, I know!
- Club Chairman: I pronounce you members of the Woman Haters Club.
- Tom, Jim, Jack: Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
- Tom: Now that you've signed, please bear in mind: From now on, no women around of any kind! Right?
- Jim: Right!
- Jack: Now the forfeit we'll post.
- Tom: Fill 'em up!
- Jim: Fill 'em up!
- Tom: Now I'll make a toast: To the Three Musketeers, who've stuck along for years. We've traveled together, in every kind of weather.
- Jack: Right?
- Jim: Right!
- Jack: What have you got to say for yourself?
- Jim: Me?
- Jack: You.
- Jim: I've got plenty to say for myself.
- [hiccups]
- Jim: I beg your pardon, mates; here's to the finest salesmen in the whole United States!
- Tom: Say, by the way, don't we leave for the road tonight?
- Jack: What day is this?
- Tom: The twenty-first.
- Jack: By golly, you're right!
- Tom: Let's hurry back. We've got to pack our samples for the trip.
- Jim: Okay, before we go, let's take another sip.
- Jack: Here's to our trip.
- Tom: You'd better see your girl and offer her your sympathy.
- Jack: Tell her that the bride to be is not the bride to be. Right?
- Jim: Right.
- [hiccups]
- Jim: Rain or shine or rain, I'll meet youse at the train, and now I'll tell the lady that I'll never see her again.
- [They toast, breaking their mugs]
- Mary: [sings] Oh, I'm in trouble, a lot of trouble, I really don't know what to do. Can I get some help from you?
- Tom: Tell me, is it really serious?
- Mary: You'll never know how serious.
- Jack: Let me help her, she's delirious! Look!
- Jim: She's gonna faint...
- Tom: Oh no, she ain't!
- Mary: Oh, I can't bear it, I can't go on, Won't someone help me to my room? Or I'll go right to my doom...
- Tom: Well little girl, if that's the case, I'll go with you almost anyplace.
- Mary: Oh, thank you!
- Tom: Okay, toots.
- Mary: Thank you!
- Jim: Fellas, I'll have to quit that club I joined last week.
- Tom, Jack: Quit the club?
- Jim: That's what I said.
- Tom: Why, you big fathead! What do you mean?
- Jim: It's this way: I met a beautiful girl, and fell head over heels in love.
- Tom: Why, you must be out of your mind!
- Jack: You're crazy!
- Tom: What are you thinking of?
- Jim: But I promised to marry her tonight.
- Tom, Jack: Tonight?
- Tom: Why, don't you know, if you violate the rules of the club, you're just as good as dead?
- Jack: If you get married, you'll be carried out and bonked right on the head!
- Tom: Down with the traitors of the Woman Haters Club!
- Jim: Fellas, you've convinced me. I guess that you're right. I'll have to call the wedding off, I'll tell her tonight.
- Jack: That's fine, but how can we be certain you won't give us the double-cross?
- Jim: I'll put up my bankroll. If I miss, I'll take the loss.
- Tom: I got a better idea than that, I'll tell you what let's do: Jackie, me and you, put up our bankrolls too. We'll sign an agreement that we three will stick together for life, and never even look at a girl, and never take a wife!
- Jim: Dear, can I ask a little favor of you?
- Mary: Why, certainly!
- Jim: I want you to promise to keep our marriage a secret. What do you say?
- Mary: Why, the idea! Are you ashamed of me? Oh, you're starting out in a nice way!
- Jim: It's not that, I might meet some friends on the train that'll try to kid me along.
- Mary: I dare them to kid you along!
- Jim: Okay, I guess I'm wrong.
- Jim: [sings] For you, for you, my life, my love, my all,
- Mary: [sings] We'll see the evening twilight falling,
- Jim: [sings] I'll come home to you,
- Mary: [sings] Calling,
- Jim: [sings] Yoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo,
- Mary: [sings] You'll croon
- Jim: [sings] Ba-ba-ba-boo, boo-boo-boo,
- Mary: [sings] A little song about the moon,
- Jim: [sings] And when I'm finished with my crooning, on my knees I'll fall,
- Mary: [sing together] My life, my love, my all!
- Mary: [Jim moves her to another chair as Tom and Jack enter the room] What does this mean! Are you crazy, or what?
- Jim: You fainted, did you forgot?
- Jack: What do you think, Tommy?
- Tom: It's tommyrot! Come here. Come here!
- [Tom drags Jim and Jack out of the room]
- Mary: Is there something I can do, dear?
- Mary: [by herself] Well, I wonder what that's all about. Is it possible he's a thief? Something tells me this marriage of mine is going to end in grief.
- Jim: Now let me out of here.
- Jack: You stay where you are! I'll find out what's going on in the next car.
- Jim: I insist! You stay here, I gotta go!
- Jack: You insist?
- Jim: Yes, I insist!
- Jack: Oh, is that so?
- Jim: Listen, I know how to handle her. I've done it before!
- Jack: You give me the works before. You can't do it no more!
- Jim: You'll make me mad, I'm losing my temper. I'm warning you!
- Jack: So you're trying to bulldoze me? What are you gonna do?
- Jim: You'll make me mad, I'm losing my temper! Come on, get out of my way!
- Jack: No, I won't get out of your way! Right here is where I'll stay!
- Jim: A wise guy, eh?
- Train Conductor: Say! What's the idea of this rough stuff? I've stood enough guff from you two, now you behave!
- Jim: Well, we weren't gonna bother anybody, mister. We're just a couple of--
- [Jim and Jack run from the observation deck to inside the car]
- Tom: [sings] For you, for you my love, my life, my all,
- Mary: [sings] We'll see the evening twilight falling,
- Tom: I'll come home to you,
- Mary: Calling...
- Tom: You-hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo-hoo
- Mary: You'll croon,
- Tom: Buh-buh-buh-booo...
- Mary: A little song beneath the moon,
- [Tom whistles silently]
- Mary: And when you're finished with your crooning,
- Tom, Mary: On my knees I'll fall, My life, my love, my all!
- [song ends]
- Jim: Come on, explain yourself, and you better do it quick!
- Mary: Breaking into my room this way is the lowest kind of a trick!
- Jim: But darling...
- Tom, Jack: 'Darling'?
- Jim: Aw, forget it, I thought I was talkimg to you.
- Tom: 'Me'? Where do you get that stuff? What are you trying to do?
- Jack: What are you doing here with this gal? That's what I want to know!
- Tom: Come on outside, and I'll tell you.
- Jim: All right, come on, let's go.
- Jim: Where's Jackie?
- Mary: [sings] Oh come to me, come to me, tell me I'm your heart's desire, Oh come to me, come to me, Let me feel the bliss of your maddening kiss...
- Tom: Open that door, or I'll break it down!
- [Tom and Jim knock loudly on the door]
- Mary: Oh!
- Tom: Remember, you're a Woman Hater!
- Mary: [Mary tries to find a hiding place for Jack] Oh! Okay, under there. Under here!
- Tom: You can't get away with it!
- [Tom and Jim engage in a brief face-slapping fight]
- Mary: Oh! Play dead, play dead!
- [Jack lies down on the couch; Tom and Jim finally break the door down]
- Mary: Shh, the poor boy is ill. Be quiet till he awakes.
- [Mary slaps Jack and he falls asleep]
- Mary: Fever, he's hot.
- Tom: Don't worry.
- Tom: [sings] I got what it takes to cure him.
- Mary: Don't you dare strike him!
- Jim: What's the matter? Do you like him?
- Mary: If you dare to lay a hand on him, I'll scream!
- [Tom pushes Mary aside, then starts pounding Jack's chest and poking his eyes]
- Jim: [Tom pinches and slaps Jim's nose] Ow!
- Jack: Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!
- [Tom slaps Jack on the forehead]
- Tom: Come on now, scram you mugs! Did you hear what I said?
- [Jim and Jack leave]
- Tom: [to Mary] And don't disturb us again, we're going to bed!
- Tom: [slaps Jack] Who asked you to come out of your room? What are you doing? Who are you looking for?
- Jim: Let me out! Let me at him!
- Mary: Oh, a couple of acrobats!
- [Jim, Tom and Jack get into their beds]
- Mary: Now you pay attention and you might get a big surprise! I'll relieve your tension by telling you that I'm wise! This man's my husband, we got married a couple of hours ago, and the agreement that you fellas signed is false and it don't go, 'cause every one of you cheated! I can prove it and I know! Move over!
- Jim: Move over?
- Club Chairman: The thirtieth meeting of the Woman Haters' club is called.
- Club Doorman: Mr. Chairman, there's a man outside.
- Club Chairman: Tell him to come inside!
- [an elderly Jim enters]
- Club Chairman: Well, what do you want?
- Jim: I want to join the Woman Haters' Club!
- Jim: [sings] For you, for you, my life, my love, my all, Each evening when the twilight's falling, I'll come home to you, calling...
- Tom, Jack: Yoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo,
- Jim: I'll croon...
- Jack: [sings] Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo
- Jim: A little song about the moon,
- [Jim whistles, holding his cane, imitating a flute player]
- Tom, Jack, Jim: And when I'm finished crooning, on my knees I'll fall,
- Jack: My life,
- Jim: My love,
- Tom: My all!