Gary Cooper credited as playing...
Longfellow Deeds
- Longfellow Deeds: [to the Court] It's like I'm out in a big boat, and I see one fellow in a rowboat who's tired of rowing and wants a free ride, and another fellow who's drowning. Who would you expect me to rescue? Mr. Cedar - who's just tired of rowing and wants a free ride? Or those men out there who are drowning? Any ten year old child will give you the answer to that.
- Longfellow Deeds: About my playing the tuba. Seems like a lot of fuss has been made about that. If, if a man's crazy just because he plays the tuba, then somebody'd better look into it, because there are a lot of tuba players running around loose. 'Course, I don't see any harm in it. I play mine whenever I want to concentrate. That may sound funny to some people, but everybody does something silly when they're thinking. For instance, the judge here is, is an O-filler.
- Judge May: A what?
- Longfellow Deeds: An O-filler. You fill in all the spaces in the O's with your pencil. I was watching him.
- [general laughter]
- Longfellow Deeds: That may make you look a little crazy, Your Honor, just, just sitting around filling in O's, but I don't see anything wrong, 'cause that helps you think. Other people are doodlers.
- Judge May: "Doodlers"?
- Longfellow Deeds: Uh, that's a word we made up back home for people who make foolish designs on paper when they're thinking: it's called doodling. Almost everybody's a doodler; did you ever see a scratchpad in a telephone booth? People draw the most idiotic pictures when they're thinking. Uh, Dr. von Hallor here could probably think up a long name for it, because he doodles all the time.
- [general laughter; he takes a sheet off the doctor's notepad]
- Longfellow Deeds: Thank you. This is a piece of paper he was scribbling on. I can't figure it out - one minute it looks like a chimpanzee, and the next minute it looks like a picture of Mr. Cedar. You look at it, Judge. Exhibit A for the defense. Looks kind of stupid, doesn't it, Your Honor? But I guess that's all right; if Dr. von Hallor has to, uh, doodle to help him think, that's his business. Everybody does something different: some people are, are ear-pullers; some are nail-biters; that, uh, Mr. Semple over there is a nose-twitcher.
- [general laughter]
- Longfellow Deeds: And the lady next to him is a knuckle-cracker.
- [general laughter]
- Longfellow Deeds: So you see, everybody does silly things to help them think. Well, I play the tuba.
- Longfellow Deeds: Now, um, heh, now about the Faulkner sisters. That's kind of funny. I mean, about Mr. Cedar going all the way to Mandrake Falls to bring them here. Do you mind if I talk to them?
- Judge May: Not at all.
- Longfellow Deeds: Jane, who owns the house you live in?
- [pause; then Jane whispers to Amy; Amy whispers back]
- Jane Faulkner: Why, you own it, Longfellow.
- Amy Faulkner: Yes, you own it.
- Longfellow Deeds: Do you pay any rent?
- Jane Faulkner: No, we don't pay any rent.
- Amy Faulkner: Good heavens, no, we never pay rent.
- Longfellow Deeds: Are you happy there?
- Jane Faulkner: Oh, yes.
- Amy Faulkner: Yes indeed.
- Longfellow Deeds: Now, uh, Jane, a little while ago you said I was pixilated. Do you still think so?
- [Jane whispers to Amy; Amy whispers back]
- Jane Faulkner: Why, you've always been pixilated, Longfellow.
- Amy Faulkner: Always.
- Longfellow Deeds: That's fine, hm, I guess maybe I am. And now tell me something, Jane: who else in Mandrake Falls is pixilated?
- Jane Faulkner: Why, everybody in Mandrake Falls is pixilated - except us.
- Amy Faulkner: Mm-hmm.
- Longfellow Deeds: What puzzles me is why people seem to get so much pleasure out of hurting each other. Why don't they try liking each other once in a while?
- Longfellow Deeds: When the servant comes in, Mr. Hallor, I'm going to ask him to show you to the door. Many people don't know where it is.
- John Cedar: [giving his name card to Deeds] I'm John Cedar, of the New York firm of Cedar, Cedar, Cedar and Budington.
- Longfellow Deeds: [chuckling] Cedar, Cedar, Cedar, Budington. Budington must feel like an awful stranger.
- Morrow: You hop aboard my magic carpet and I'll show you sights that you've never seen before.
- Longfellow Deeds: Well, I'd kinda like to see Grant's tomb and the Statue of Liberty.
- Morrow: Well, you'll not only see those, but before the evening's half through, you'll be leaning against the Leaning Tower of Pisa, you'll mount Mount Everest, I'll show you the Pyramids and all the little pyramidees, leaping from sphinx to sphinx!
- Morrow: Pal, look, how would you like to go on a real old-fashioned binge?
- Longfellow Deeds: Binge?
- Morrow: Yeah, I mean the real McCoy. Listen, you play saloon with me and I'll introduce you to every wit, nitwit, and half-wit in New York. We'll go on a twister that'll make Omar the soused philosopher of Persia look like an anemic on a goat's milk diet!
- Longfellow Deeds: Well, I guess that oughtta be fun.
- Morrow: Fun? Listen, I'll take you on a bender that will live in your memory as a thing of beauty and a joy forever!
- Longfellow Deeds: You know the poem I told you about? It's finished. Would you like to read it? It's to you.
- Babe Bennett: Yes. Of course.
- Longfellow Deeds: You don't have to say anything, Mary. You can tell me tomorrow what you think.
- Babe Bennett: I tramped the Earth with hopeless feet / searching in vain for a glimpse of you / Then heaven thrust you at my very feet / a lovely angel, too lovely to woo / My dream has been answered, but my life's just as bleak / I'm handcuffed and speechless in your presence divine / For my heart longs to cry out. If it only could speak / I love you, my angel. Be mine. Be mine.
- Longfellow Deeds: [to the Court] From what I can see, no matter what system of government we have, there will always be leaders and always be followers. It's like the road out in front of my house. It's on a steep hill. Every day I watch the cars climbing up. Some go lickety-split up that hill on high, some have to shift into second, and some sputter and shake and slip back to the bottom again. Same cars, same gasoline, yet some make it and some don't. And I say the fellas who can make the hill on high should stop once in a while and help those who can't. That's all I'm trying to do with this money. Help the fellas who can't make the hill on high.
- Longfellow Deeds: [to Cobb] There once was a man named Cobb / Kept Semple away from the mob / Came the turn of the tide / And Semple he died / And now poor Cobb is out of a job.
- Longfellow Deeds: Hand me my pants. I wrote her phone number on a piece of paper.
- Walter: You have no pants, sir. You came home last night without them.
- Longfellow Deeds: I did what?
- Walter: As a matter of fact, you came home without any clothes at all. You were in your shorts. Yes, sir.
- Longfellow Deeds: Don't be silly, Walter. I couldn't walk around on the streets without any clothes. I'd be arrested.
- Walter: That's what the two policemen said, sir.
- Longfellow Deeds: What two policemen?
- Walter: The ones who brought you home, sir. They said you and another gentleman kept walking up and down the street shouting "back to nature! Clothes are a blight on civilization! Back to nature!"
- Longfellow Deeds: Last night, after I left you, I was walking along and looking at the tall buildings. And I got to thinkin' about what Thoreau said: "They created a lot of grand palaces here, but they forgot to create the noblemen to put in them."
- Butler: The gentlemen from the opera are still waiting in the boardroom, sir. They're getting a trifle impatient, sir.
- Longfellow Deeds: They are? I forgot all about them. What do you think they want?
- John Cedar: Well, your uncle was chairman of the Board of Directors. They probably expect you to carry on.
- Cornelius Cobb: I'll tell those mugs to keep their shirts on.
- Longfellow Deeds: Gee, I'm busy. Do the opera people always come here for their meetings?
- Cornelius Cobb: Uu-hum.
- Longfellow Deeds: That's funny. Why is that?
- Cornelius Cobb: Why do mice go where there's cheese?
- Longfellow Deeds: We must give the wrong kind of shows.
- Italian Opera Board Member: The wrong kind? Why, there isn't any wrong kind or right kind. Opera is opera.
- Longfellow Deeds: I guess it is. I personally wouldn't care to be the head of a business that kept losing money! That wouldn't be common sense. Incidentally, where is the $180,000 coming from?
- Italian Opera Board Member: Well, we were rather expecting it to come from you.
- Longfellow Deeds: Me?
- Italian Opera Board Member: Naturally.
- Longfellow Deeds: Excuse me, gentlemen, there's nothing natural about that.
- Longfellow Deeds: Now, my plan was very simple. I was going to give each family 10 acres, a horse, a cow and some seed. And if they worked the farm for three years, it's theirs. Now, if that's crazy, maybe I ought to be sent to an institution; but, I don't think it is.
- Longfellow Deeds: He talks about women as if they were cattle.
- Walter: Every man to his taste, sir.
- Longfellow Deeds: Tell me, Walter, are all these stories I hear about my uncle true?
- Walter: Well, sir, he sometimes had as many as twenty in the house at the same time.
- Longfellow Deeds: Twenty! What did he do with them?
- Walter: That is something I was never able to find out, sir.