Gene Raymond credited as playing...
Michael MacCreigh
- Michael MacCreigh: Ah, Miss Mannerly, you're looking like a goddess.
- Miss Mannerly, Hutchinson's Secretary: You told me that yesterday.
- Michael MacCreigh: Oh, that was an ordinary goddess. This time it's a Greek goddess.
- Michael MacCreigh: I've seen some of the plays he's backed. They don't hold a candle to this one.
- Miss Mannerly, Hutchinson's Secretary: Maybe you'd better hold a candle to it.
- Michael MacCreigh: [as he leaves, takes his hat off and bows to Miss Mannerlay] May all your children be office boys.
- Michael MacCreigh: Miss Jones, you're looking like a goddess today.
- Miss Jones, MacCreigh's Secretary: You'd better take another look. You're uncle's in the refrigerator. You want to wait in his office for him?
- Michael MacCreigh: [Poking his head through some hanging beef in the cooler] A hundred and seventy-five in my stocking feet.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: Yes, and we don't deal in inferior beefs. Throw this carcass out.
- Michael MacCreigh: Day by day, I rise in your estimation.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: Yes. Any time now I'm liable to think enough of you to offer you a job again.
- Michael MacCreigh: You're getting to think too much of me, Uncle Carlton. Really, I'm not worth it.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: Certainly you're worth it. A man of your accomplishments is not to be taken lightly.
- Michael MacCreigh: Say, I'm never taken lightly. When they take me, they take me for everything I've got.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: Well the whole idea of the play is ridiculous. You expect anybody to believe that a man can leave New York in his underwear and get to Los Angeles in 10 days?
- Michael MacCreigh: Well, at least he's got his BVDs. That's more than any of us start life with.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: And the way Stephen piles it on. This boy wonder arrives in Los Angeles in a new suit of clothes, a hundred dollars in his pocket, and engaged to a beautiful girl. Ridiculous! Who's gonna believe that?
- Michael MacCreigh: Remember, this happens in a play, not in a slaughter house. It's not beef ham and prize-cuts. It's romance! Adventure! Just was people want to see in a play.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: Are you cold?
- Michael MacCreigh: [Shivering in the cold walk-in cooler] No. I'm practicing for the DTs.
- Jackson Wallace: [Michael in his BVDs pops into a gazebo where Wallace and Paula are sitting] Whh... what do you mean by... by strutting in here with no clothes on?
- Michael MacCreigh: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know the affair was formal. I distinctly remember the invitation saying "Don't dress."
- Jackson Wallace: [Paula tries to confront Michael] No, Paula.
- Paula Gilbert: Oh, that's alright. I've seen the subway ads.
- Michael MacCreigh: I wonder if I could persuade you gentlemen to let me have some of that delicious smelling Mulligan Stew?
- Hobo (uncredited): Sorry, your honor. We don't believe in handouts
- [spits on the ground]
- Paula Gilbert: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
- Michael MacCreigh: Well, that depends on the places you've been before. I'm always hanging out in Sloppy Mike's on 37th Street in New York. Ever been there?
- Aunt Charlotte: According to the last milepost, you're just 324 miles from Filthy Mike's.
- Michael MacCreigh: Sloppy, ma'am. Sloppy.
- Aunt Charlotte: Don't tell me. I've been there and it's filthy.
- Aunt Charlotte: That's a pretty long hike for a wounded veteran.
- Michael MacCreigh: Oh, yes ma'am. I'm not the man I used to be.
- Paula Gilbert: Where were you wounded?
- Michael MacCreigh: I'm told it was at Château-Thierry, though it's all very hazy to me. But you can understand why.
- Aunt Charlotte: Yes, of course.
- Paula Gilbert: Why?
- Michael MacCreigh: Well, you see. There was a low fog and we couldn't see a thing.
- Paula Gilbert: What branch of the service were you in?
- Michael MacCreigh: Secret Service.
- Paula Gilbert: Weren't you rather young to be in the war?
- Michael MacCreigh: Eight years old. But that's what made me so valuable. Now, who would think that an eight-year-old kid was a spy?
- Paula Gilbert: For one, I wouldn't.
- Aunt Charlotte: You're pulling our leg, young man. But you're doing it rather well.
- Michael MacCreigh: I'll return the favor some day and let you pull mine.
- Aunt Charlotte: [Exchanges glances with Paula] He wants to play games.
- Miss Mannerly, Hutchinson's Secretary: Get out of the office.
- Michael MacCreigh: Michael MacCreigh never runs away.
- Miss Mannerly, Hutchinson's Secretary: [Picks up the telephone] Get me the special policeman.
- Michael MacCreigh: Now, uh... an honorable retreat, I'd consider.
- Stephen Dody: [Pulls Michael toward the door] Well, stop considering and let's retreat.
- Paula Gilbert: You're the Central Park lunatic.
- Michael MacCreigh: Oh, what do you mean?
- Paula Gilbert: You are the lunatic.
- Michael MacCreigh: [Waving his hand] That wasn't me. I don't like parks.
- Paula Gilbert: But I know you are.
- Michael MacCreigh: Who, me?
- Paula Gilbert: Yes, you. And if you want to get to Los Angeles, why don't you try that Columbus Avenue trolley that you were waiting for?
- Michael MacCreigh: If you'd let me, I'd try to give you a rough idea of what I'm like.
- Paula Gilbert: That's what I'm afraid of.
- Michael MacCreigh: All right. I don't have to throw myself away on you. I have a sixth sense that always tells me when I'm not wanted.
- Paula Gilbert: [Michael starts roasting a marshmallow in the fireplace] Must you do that? I despise the odor of toasted marshmallow.
- Michael MacCreigh: Ah, that's probably because in your youth you were exposed to improperly toasted marshmallows. There's quite a group of you. The psychological term is... heh, if you'll excuse me, "marshmallum dislikum."
- Paula Gilbert: [Finally smiles and begins to warm to Michael] Isn't there any hope for us?
- Michael MacCreigh: [Eating his first toasted marshmallow] Fortunately, yes. The cure isn't far off. It involves a gradual breaking down of the marshmallow resistance. But it must be done carefully, scientifically, by trained expert toasters. You see, there are varying degrees of marshmallow toasters. I myself am a 32nd degree toaster.
- Paula Gilbert: I congratulate you.
- Michael MacCreigh: [Holding a jar of jam marked 25 cents] If you don't mind, I'll take my $2 pay in these preserves.
- Plaza Ritz Hotel Owner: Okay. You're getting a good bargain, son. They cost 50 cents each to make.
- Michael MacCreigh: Well, how can you do it?
- Plaza Ritz Hotel Owner: Well, we hardly sell any at all. So we don't lose much.