W.C. Fields credited as playing...
Professor Eustace P. McGargle
- Hot dog vendor: [as McGargle and Poppy begin to eat their hot dogs] Twenty cents, please!
- Professor Eustace McGargle: Very reasonable! I'll pay you at the conclusion of our engagement.
- Hot dog vendor: Oh, no, you won't! You're gonna pay me right now!
- Professor Eustace McGargle: [the vendor takes back Poppy's half-eaten hot dog] Really! I shall return mine also.
- Hot dog vendor: [looking at McGargle's half-eaten hot dog] Listen, you tramp, how am I gonna sell these again?
- Professor Eustace McGargle: First you insult me. Then you ask my advice concerning salesmanship. You, sir, are a dunce! DUNCE, sir! D-U-N-C... How do you spell it?
- [Walking away with Poppy]
- Professor Eustace McGargle: Come, dear, let's go.
- Professor Eustace McGargle: What will you have?
- Dog (Ventriloquism): Milk as usual in a saucer.
- Professor Eustace McGargle: He wants a little milk, he'll have it in a saucer. Stand up, Alcibiados.
- Dog (Ventriloquism): Oh, my feet are sore. I've been walking all morning.
- Bartender: What kind of a dog is he?
- Professor Eustace McGargle: He's a cross between a Manchurian yak and an Australian dingo.
- Bartender: Well, that's funny. There's some folks right down the road here got a dog exactly like him, but he can't talk.
- Professor Eustace McGargle: Well, naturally, I've devoted a lot of time to this dog. Taught him everything he knows.
- Bartender: Is he for sale?
- Professor Eustace McGargle: Well, for a price.
- Bartender: Well, I've give you twenty dollars for him.
- Professor Eustace McGargle: I hate to sell him, but...
- [grabs money]
- Professor Eustace McGargle: I'll let him go. This breaks my heart. I can't tell you.
- [wipes a fake tear from eye]
- Dog (Ventriloquism): Just for selling me, I'll never speak another word as long as I live!
- Professor Eustace McGargle: He's a stubborn little fellow. I'm afraid he'll keep his word.
- Bartender: Speak! Speak! Speak!
- Professor Eustace McGargle: And if we should ever separate, my little plum, I want to give you one little piece of fatherly advice.
- Poppy: Yes Pop.
- Professor Eustace McGargle: Never give a sucker an even break.
- Professor Eustace McGargle: My little plum, I am like Robin Hood. I take from the rich and I give to the poor.
- Poppy: What poor?
- Professor Eustace McGargle: Us poor.
- Poppy: Us poor is right.
- Professor Eustace McGargle: [in pain] Oh, they've broken my sacroiliac! Run to the nearest golf course and get a doctor!
- Countess Maggie Tubbs DePuizzi: [laughing] I am the Countesss DePuizzi.
- Professor Eustace McGargle: The Countess De Pussy?
- Countess Maggie Tubbs DePuizzi: [tittering] Monsieur, no. DePuizzi - La Comtesse DePuizzi!
- Professor Eustace McGargle: Oh, quite so, quite so! Pardon my redundancy.
- Judge: Mr. Whiffeen tells me your wife has passed away.
- Professor Eustace McGargle: Yes, the poor dear was killed in Upper Sandusky - run over by a pie wagon, a hit-and-gallop-away driver. One of the horses stepped upon... Never mind the details! Never mind the details!
- Countess Maggie Tubbs DePuizzi: Do you croquet?
- Professor Eustace McGargle: Ah, no I don't. I used to do a little tatting on the train.