Jim Varney credited as playing...
Ernest P. Worrell
- Ernest P. Worrell: You gotta give your fair share, Vern, because if you don't pitch in your part and I don't pitch in my part, these poor people won't have a part to pitch in. Get Ernest 'bout the United Way, knowhutImean?
- Ernest P. Worrell: That freshly bewed Convient Coffee every morning get's me movin'. I'm movin'-movin'-movin'-movin'-movin'-... In my Convienient Cup. I'm movin'-movin'-movin'-movin'-movin'-movin'-... I think I'll have a donut.
- Ernest P. Worrell: Ya know, Vern, Cream O'Weber Highland sour cream is good on anything from potatoes to tacos, that it was inspired me to write this poem. I infectionatly call it "Sour Cream" by Ernest P. Worrell. Actually, it's by Cream O'Weber Highland, I just wrote the words. "Roses are red, violets are blue, sour cream is white, and comes in a tub."
- Ernest P. Worrell: Hey Vern, ya diggin' a hole? Why? Did you call the gas company first? Why not? Vern, if you don't call before you dig, you could hit a gas line and ruin a perfectly good afternoon, knowhutImean? No heat. No hot water. Ya can't cook and you're sure not gonna make any new friends down at the gas company, knowhutImean?
- Ernest P. Worrell: [On smoking cigarettes] Gosh, Vern, ya tryin' to kill us all? Walkin' around all the time with that weed hangin' out of your mouth. Don't you know how deadly that thing is? You're just askin' for a case of the Big C: Cancer city, Chemo Therapy Hotel. I care 'bout you, Vern, that's why I'm warning you, you better give up them cigarettes, buddy, or the groundhogs will ber bringin' you your mail, knowhutimean?
- Ernest P. Worrell: [after watching Andy Griffith] I know what, Vern, let's me and you play Mayberry. I'll be Andy and you be Dopey.
- Ernest P. Worrell: [reading Vern's hospital chart] Hey Vern it says here you're gettin' 50 suppositories a day. Where you puttin' them things anyway?
- Ernest P. Worrell: [At an ice cream shop] And Vern, I guess you got the chocolate.
- [licks the ice cream]
- Ernest P. Worrell: Don't you want yours, Vern? Well pay the lady.
- Ernest P. Worrell: Boy, Vern, crime fightin' is a thankless job, but somebody's gotta do it. Knowhutimean?
- Ernest P. Worrell: Did you see her fix these hamburgers? She cooked'em just the way I like'em. She cooked them one at a time, all the fixings, none of them conveyer belts, no automatic burger machines, none of that factory stuff, it's just a real hamburger made by a real human being. What'll they think of next?
- Ernest P. Worrell: [Figuring out a mathematical equation, typing on his head like a calculator] Vern drives 18 miles to Tyson's Toyota at 20¢ a mile, that's government standard. Divided by the excellerated rotation of the earth, minus the frustration factor equals... Vern, you're gonna save $53,000 on a $9,000 car. I don't know how them boys stay in business!
- Ernest P. Worrell: Don't touch that dial, Vern. Don't touch it. Please, Vern. I'm trapped in this TV forever.
- Ernest P. Worrell: Hey Vern. Boy, Vern, being in the hospital sure is rough duty, huh? Well thank goodness M*A*S*H comes on every week night on WDBJ 7, your hometown station, with Hawkeye and Hot Lips and the whole gang, what a ride. You know, Vern, if I can swing it, I'm gonna try to come down here every night and watch M*A*S*H with you, don't that sound like fun?