Steve Zahn: Wayne

Happy, Texas

Wayne

Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: If you ever leave me with a kid again I'll make sure you never have one. You have no idea what those screaming booger eaters are like. They expect you to... know stuff!

Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: Okay, God, just... want you to look down on these girls here. They're like little flowers, and the rain you send 'em gutta be gentle and sweet. We come to you today, and we ask you to just... help 'em - help us grab this pageant by the balls and rip 'em off! I mean, if those judges don't like us, then screw 'em. These girls here - they're talented, they're pretty, and if those judges say anything different, then I hope that on Judgement Day you put their asses through a meat grinder!... Amen.

Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: Hey, maybe we are tailors. We travel from town to town, tailoring dresses, for circus midgets.
Harry Sawyer: Traveling midget tailors?
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: Yeah, ya think?
Harry Sawyer: No.

Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: [to the bully] You come anywhere near these girls again, I won't say nothin'. I'm just gonna come over to your house late at night when you're asleep and kill you with a chainsaw.

Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: [shows girls how to strut] Because I've got my weight in my hip,
[slaps his hip]
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: weight in my hip.

Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: You don't think I know what you're doin', do you? Goin' to the banker lady's house for popcorn and pillow talk. Goin' huntin'. What did you do tonight? Did you go someplace nice for dinner? Did you have a few drinks? Hmm? You don't think I'd like to get out some night or have a nice meal? Spend one night not thinkin' about the girls? You know what I did tonight? I'll tell you what I did. I spent it right here
[slaps sewing machine]
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: tryin' to figure out if slip-stitchin' or bastin' is the best way to put on a sparkly heart. Because you know what? I don't know how.
[gasps]
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: The pageant judges are gonna be here tomorrow. Madison's not gotten all the way through her song. The numbers are all over the place. Nobody can keep the beat. And I'm scared to death that Jensy is gonna drop her
[fire]
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: baton and fry like a Buddhist monk!

Harry Sawyer: So we're gay. How hard can that be?
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: It might not be hard for you, Rock Hudson, but I have got heterosex...
Harry Sawyer: What?
Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr.: 'Not gay' written all over me.